the weird thing is – i actually enjoy the writing process. it’s just hard to get in a state of mind to do it initially. once i’m there though, it’s actually kind of fun. i guess that’s what they call “flow”.

probably a big hindrance was getting caught up in all the statistical issues, and the second biggest was probably being daunted by the sheer amount of papers that need to be read. but at least i feel a little more comfortable making statements and going back to look up the citations after since i feel like i have a general grasp of what the literature says about certain areas, so i think that’s helping to make this go a little faster than before, thank goodness.

~3 days left.

… sigh. so tired. and unmotivated. mostly just tired. i feel sleepy all the time. and it’s not exactly that i’m not getting enough sleep – at least not yet. well i guess i didn’t sleep that well last night so maybe that’s why. but i feel like i’m just kind of in this weird fog every day. i’ve heard depression kind of described that way before by my ex. er, i guess the previous ex. maybe that’s what this is.  which in a way maybe it’s being protective right now – maybe that’s why i’m so emotionally numb to what’s happened and why i basically feel over it already. i feel like i could unblock him today and i’d be fine with whatever came, but the practical side in me says i should at least wait until i’m done w/ turning in the thesis just in case lol. it’s probably part that and part the prayers people have been giving me.

sigh. just so tired and listless. no energy. sleepy. but still too much needs to be done so i know i can’t afford to sleep now. >.<

i think i’ve always been somewhat of an intensely lonely person at heart.  so it hurts all the more when the one or two threads that are around get cut off.

today seems like it’s going to more or less be a pretty unproductive day while i mope around. so maybe i’ll go take a nap, since i’m expecting to stay up all night anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

edit: mm never mind. praise God for good friends. a friend called on his way to work and we talked for a while, and i’m feeling much better.

you know, it occurs to me that i think i actually do like performing.  i enjoy the feeling of standing on stage and being present with an audience.  i think i’ve just been traumatized from a couple of bad instances with recitals and that’s why i have a mental block with performing and didn’t think i liked it. but if i have a team i’m performing with – whether that’s dance, music, or even theater, though that’s a pretty dim memory in my mind, it was fun. that expectant hush and anticipation/tension in the room when you’re about to deliver a line or moment, the feeling of playing your hearts out with people you’ve spent hours working with – the culmination of your practice on display for all to see.

i suppose it can also be nerve-wracking and disappointing if you don’t deliver well, or if the audience doesn’t appreciate what you’ve put out there, but for the most part, besides my poor solo recitals, i feel like things have been well-received, or if not, that people were at least encouraging.

i guess i’ve always been sort of drawn to the performance arts. not sure if that’s because of the influence of all the training/classes my mom enrolled me in when i was little or not, but reviewing our old tapes showed that i actually liked singing and dancing and performing for a camera, even at a very young age. that actually kind of surprised me – i was pretty fearless and actually desired the spotlight.  i guess a lot of things got in the way after that and my self confidence took a hit, so i didn’t think i liked that anymore. and i certainly don’t like the nerves that come before a performance. but i guess i do kind of miss it.

at least i’m able to play on worship services sometimes.  that helps.

maybe i did go into the wrong field after all.

though at the same time, whenever i think that, i also know myself, and realize that i don’t know that i’d be able to be patient enough to practice for hours on end to hone my craft. it’s a competitive world out there and to make a living through performance, you have to be the best, or at least, have a good team. and i don’t have a great track record of being able to find/be on a good team.  but do i think i could be happy just performing and teaching either music, or dance, or directing movies or whatever? i actually don’t know. it seems like it could be pretty fun. to fully devote one’s life to the craft of making music, or dance, or some other form of expression.

i’m probably romanticizing a lot of it right now. i’m sure it’s a lot of struggles and blood, sweat, and tears.  but i remember that year in socal – i actually was motivated to learn dance. i wanted to practice and get better – both for myself, and so i could keep up with/perform well with the team.  i was never really close to anyone on the team, but something about being on a team motivates me to work hard. it’s much more difficult for me to find that passion for my own stuff, if i’m just doing it for my own sake.  that’s part of the reason i’ve been having so much trouble with this thesis i think.  all it is is a means to an end – for me to graduate. there’s no real motivation or desire behind that, in large part because i don’t really feel like any of my findings would really be of any impact to the world at large.  and thus it’s been a slog. (that and all the statistical analyses issues have been a huge demotivation.)

so yeah. i don’t know where this was going but just some thoughts i was musing on i guess.

i knew it. i freaking knew it. “bad timing” my butt. i knew he was going to spend time seeing her, even though he would only be on that island for 4 days.  “she’s an afterthought” my butt. he’s shown over and over she’s still a priority, and more importantly, that’s she’s a priority over me. he was willing to let me suffer for weeks because of defending his relationship with her, and he was willing to lie to me all these months about not coming to visit because it was “bad timing” when he knew it was because he was going to see her while he was there. what a lying piece of…

UGH.

i’ve never blocked anyone on facebook before (that i recall) but now he has the distinction of being the first.  also blocked him from/uninstalled Line finally (though i did still save our convos before deleting it b/c i’m still that kind of person). but yeah.

on the one hand, it was good that i found out so i could stop pining over him, which i’ve still been doing on a pretty daily basis. on the other hand, with only about a week left for writing my thesis, it’s a pretty bad time to find out. especially since i’m still shaking right now as i’m writing this. ugh.  can’t tell if i’m more mad or sad… i think more the former though, which is handy. much better than the latter. it’s like it hurts, but it was expected, and i guess i didn’t have much expectations to begin with after the first time he showed he could throw me over just to keep his friendship with her, so thankfully i’m more prepared to handle it. but yeah. it kind of sucks to be right. but i usually am in these situations so i guess i shouldn’t be surprised anymore.  oh well. life goes on.  praise God that he helped me see the truth so i can move on from being a foolish, lovesick puppy.

it doesn’t help that hook’s song in OUAT that i just saw earlier today is stuck in my head right now… or maybe it does? “revenge, revenge, revenge! it’s gonna be mine.” 😄  well, no revenge for me – it’s not in my nature, but it’s a pretty oddly cheerful song for its lyrical content so it’s kind of fitting in its own way, i suppose.

sigh, sent an SOS to 3-4 people, but no one’s awake at this hour. it’s ok though, i think thankfully God has been holding me up this whole “relationship” since i gave it over to Him, and i’m much calmer now already.  He has answered my prayers in preparing my heart for this and helping me let go. so praise God. and this again is a sign then that we definitely weren’t meant to be, at least right now.  in a way, i needed this impetus to finally cut ties.  so it’s good.  hopefully i can finally let go completely and move forward and focus on my thesis after this.

my heart’s bruised, but not broken. and praise the Lord greatly for that.

man. pretty depressed right now. not only did the biostats clinic not help, but it made things even more confusing and hopeless-seeming.

i’ve discovered that i really dislike people who are arrogant and dismissive. i mean, i knew that already, but it’s especially difficult when you go somewhere where something is explicitly set up to be able to help you, but then you get someone who’s basically like, yeah, just do this, or just do that, and doesn’t really listen to your concerns and then at the end just tells you basically all your advisers are stupid and “should have their degrees revoked” because they told you something different than what they think… which also happens to be different from all the statistical things i’ve read so far. but anyway. also saying you “would” be helpful if you had the data or something but not being willing to help with it when offered to show the data, is kind of not helpful.

i actually remember why i never bothered checking out their biostats clinic now. it’s because i DID check it out once before, and it was the same guy, and it was the same lvl of unhelpfulness. thankfully, his shift was over while we were talking so another guy came in, who was at least willing to listen better and talk over some stuff (though it wasn’t exactly the answers i needed, at least i felt like he tried, and he offered to look through my stuff if i’d send it to him.)

bleh.

i’ve basically just concluded that all i can do is do the best i can with what i have, and that’s all that can be expected at this point.

@___@ yo yo ma’s sister is exactly what i’ve wanted to be! “His sister, Yeou-Cheng Ma—a violinist, pianist, medical doctor, and children’s orchestra administrator…”!!! i’ve always wanted to help start a youth orchestra – looks like being a musician and helping out at a youth orchestra IS still possible as a doctor ^.^

http://stringsmagazine.com/yo-yo-ma-on-intonation-practice-and-the-role-of-music-in-our-lives/

sigh. i hate how i’m the most productive at the freaking wee hours of the morning. why is my body wired so weird?!

also it’s sad cuz i have no one to keep me company. and that makes me think of him b/c he would be awake right now. but i can’t. i have to see this through, and i can’t give in. *sigh*.

reposting/edited from the fb post b/c i’ve posted so many things since then it’s probably gonna get lost lol, and b/c it’s actually an important issue to me (considering i literally just posted about it a couple days ago on here lol).  this was after i saw this episode of last week tonight on opioids:

:\

i’ve been hearing a lot about this issue lately through talking with more med student/resident friends as i’m getting ready to get back to clinics, and it’s really concerning. things might change when i actually get on the wards and see people suffering from a lot of pain, but right now, i think those pre-1990’s doctors had it right… don’t prescribe opioids at all if possible, and if it has to be used, only use it as a very last resort, and at the lowest dose possible. this stuff is dangerous and there are countless stories of people who have become addicted because they were first given things like oxycontin and other opioid medication by doctors for their pain. i wonder how many people would prefer their opioid addiction to their pain if they knew that would be the consequence going in?  there ARE other options out there to try besides medications, and i wish that people were more aware of them.

speaking of, it’s also really sad to me that he mentioned “rural areas may not have access to… mindfulness meditation” because that’s something that can literally be done alone, with no additional fees, props, doctors, medications, etc needed. the problem is education and awareness, and that’s something that needs to change. i think america, or maybe the world, in general is too used to relying on substances to numb pain (both physical and emotional) rather than truly working through the issues. Alcohol, weed, and now opioids – it’s part of a larger systemic issue where problems are just put off until another day, and you take something to help you forget or “take the edge off”. clinicians are not much better – as a population, we’re one of the highest abusers, and it’s not surprising given the time pressures and emotional struggles doctors have to go through as part of their work. but this can’t be the solution – we need to move towards a better direction.

also stuff like this always gets me really frustrated at big pharma. i understand some people who work there probably genuinely believe they are doing a good thing and helping people (i.e. helping to control their pain), but the ones who are overblowing statements and minimizing the large health risks (literally lives are at stake – not just quality of life i.e. as an addict, but also life and death situations) just for the bottom line make me sick.

anyway, i hope providers will be extremely careful and thoughtful when prescribing these drugs, and that through things like this vid, patients can become more aware that there is a risk of addiction, and use these sparingly. :\

honestly, i think as a whole, at least in america, we’re so fragile that and used to instant gratification that we’ve started losing our ability to experience and push through pain. i think learning to work with pain is an important thing, and too many people take the easy way out.

this is not to say that there aren’t people who actually really need and can benefit from things like pain medication. sometimes it is necessary for those in excruciating pain that is intractable. but for the most part, we need to learn to suffer better.  as much as it sucks, suffering really does build character, and i think a lot of people nowadays could learn something from truly facing their pain, rather than running away from it.

i guess maybe it’s apt that we’re going through job and suffering in church right now, or maybe vice versa – maybe that’s why i’m thinking about this issue more recently.

random thoughts of the day

i don’t know why drinking alcohol is thought of as the “grown up/mature” thing to do. people talk about the opioid epidemic like it suddenly crept up on us, when people have been self-medicating with alcohol and weed and such to numb away pain for ages.  why should drinking be thought of as the “cool” thing to do, when really it’s just one of many not-so-great coping mechanisms?

also from a Christian standpoint, actually shouldn’t being able to deal with our problems through placing our trust/faith in God set a better example to the world than if we just go with the flow and joke about how we need to drink every night b/c of kids/problems, etc? actually i think people who don’t use anything should be seen as stronger or more mature, since they actually experience life fully and don’t numb away or try to forget their feelings under the influence.  and i think one can better put their hope in God that way.

anyway.

also there are different types of Asian Americans i’m realizing. i never really thought about it growing up because all my friends fell under the same category as me: first generation born in the states, parents are immigrants who speak broken english and have all the traditional asian values from overseas.  but there’s also AA’s that are from asian parents who were already born in the states, some even a couple generations back, and so those traditional asian values are more diluted and americanized.  then there are also asians who are adopted into american families (very common here in the south apparently), many from when they were infants or toddlers, so they don’t remember much about where they were from, but have both the influences of their american parents, but also the struggles of being not only adopted but of a different race, with whatever connotations that holds with their peers.  and these three types of AA’s i think actually end up functionally pretty different.  there are some shared experiences, but there is enough difference culturally that it might be harder to relate. especially if they’re from an area like here, where there are very few other asians/asian families around.

i wonder if the girl i talked to today (who i found out fell into the 3rd category today) even knows of/watches anime? haha is that a sad/stereotypical thing to wonder? probably a bit T__T. or how much she knows of her ethnic heritage?  i’d like to get to know her better and help mentor her if given the opportunity, but got a little daunted realizing that what i thought might be common ground actually may not be… so this might go a little differently than i’d hope lol. we’ll see i guess. no sense pre-judging anything after all! will just take things as they come. 🙂