Self-reflection day 3: The power of hope

I think ultimately what everything I want to do boils down to, and what really makes me happy, is giving others the power of hope.  What I want to do in life is to give people hope, to inspire people, and to bring joy to their lives.

Being a doctor is one way to accomplish this.  As a doctor, one wields great power and responsibility.  Word choice is crucial – one word or phrase can bring devastation to an entire family, and another can bring great relief.  But even outside a diagnosis, the little things can really go a long way.  Today I ran the gamut with one patient with pancreatic cancer, who, based on how things are going, likely does not have long to live.  The attending and the team all feel that way, and based on how malnourished he is, it doesn’t look good.  Yet today, when he asked “I still have a long time left to live right?” and I said “I don’t know” (meaning literally, I’m not sure because I’m a medical student and I’m not an expert so I don’t want to give you the wrong information), his eyes grew very wide in a mixture of terror, disbelief, and disconcertment.  I immediately had to explain the above, that I meant I literally did not know because of my position and that I didn’t want to say anything that was wrong.  It was not until I assured him that regardless, he certainly was not going to die today or at this hospitalization that his features relaxed and he even gave a little bit of a smile.  I realized then, more than ever before, that an “I don’t know” from a doctor, or someone perceived in that position, is extremely weighty, and can cause extreme distress for patients… and at the same time, I realized that reassurance can offer comfort and hope.  When I updated him and his family later on our plan, and with the good news that we could have him trial some liquids a bit today, he smiled for the second time.  His daughters all obviously love him very much, and they seem to have a good family, which was heartwarming to see.  (Contrast that with another patient we had who was extremely belligerent and had over the course of his life alienated his whole family, yet somehow still had a girlfriend and daughter seeing him, but they obviously were at the end of their rope and upset at the hurtful things he was saying (which, to be fair, he had brain mets too and was halfway through radiation so that probably played a part in it)… but yeah… there’s just so many different dynamics and levels of hurt with relationships).   But anyway, though his prospects are likely grim and he was not feeling well, being able to elicit a smile twice today on his normally grim and defeated-looking face made my day.

I’m sure there have to be some studies out there already on the power of hope, but it would be interesting to have a study of outcomes for people who are taking the regular medical route (i.e. chemo/rad for cancer, matched for age, cancer type/stage, etc) vs. people who just get (an) additional session(s) of positive therapy/counseling.  I would wager that people would live longer or heal faster in the latter group.  In fact, the placebo effect is probably an extension/manifestation of this phenomenon.  Giving people hope in some way, shape, or fashion can pull people out of devastating things.  So maybe that’s really the answer to a lot of things.  Dr. K, who we diagnosed with a much more treatable cancer than she thought coming in turned around with all smiles when she was readmitted (whereas she was very irritable to most of the other members of the team most of the time when she was on our service), and seemed to respond well to the chemo later on based on her charts.  She said “so there is hope?” and when assured by our attending that the treatment was very good for that type of cancer, she smiled the widest smile i’d seen from her, and thanked us profusely (for her).

There are of course, other ways to instill hope in people, and that’s where all my other desires ultimately stem from.  The desire to play music, to act, dance, write.  Yes of course a large part is that I enjoy these things and mostly, enjoy doing them with other people who I can share the pure enjoyment of it with.  But the desire to create a youth orchestra so that others could experience what I did growing up, or to make gospel music, to act or direct or write stories that are uplifting and meaningful/touching to people, to dance and inspire/wow people – all of that is born out of a deep desire to connect to people’s hearts – to give them something that can take them out of any pain they are experiencing and bring them into the light.

as a side note, i think this is why i don’t understand how my sister thinks very much at all.  for a long time now, she’s had this odd complex where she simultaneously thinks she’s better and worse than everyone else, and perhaps as a result, she seems to enjoy picking at people’s weak points, or pointing people’s flaws out to others to make fun of.  It’s almost as if that’s the only way she knows how to interact with people and be “funny” and get “positive” attention.  but what she doesn’t get is that that novelty wears off after a while, and really isn’t that funny anymore if you do it too often and hurt people too much.  of course, i understand that this is her defense mechanism – something that i noticed developing in around her late middle to high school years that i warned my parents about to correct, but they never did (and now, of course, i realize that neither knew how or were capable of doing so effectively), and it’s kind of almost too late to correct by now unless her heart is changed from the inside out.  i wish i could reach her, but i know she’s not in the right frame of mind to be receptive yet.  but i hope someone can show her there is still hope as well.

Anyway, not a super lot of progress in terms of deciding future things, but it’s nice to finally find a unifying theme for myself.  i mean, to some extent i always knew i wanted to do good for the world, but what exactly that meant was a little bit more nebulous.  but now i have a meter for which to assess how i’m doing in terms of trying to achieve my goal: is what i am doing actually giving people hope or taking it away?  and it’s also a measure for how to live my life in a Christian way – am i brightening up the lives of those around me, or am i bringing people down/starting to get sucked into worldly views and complaints?

another side note: it’s also been kind of helpful that the message i’ve been getting a lot over the last couple days is that it will be ok.  whatever i end up choosing, and whatever path i end up going, it will not be a wrong choice, and i will be able to bless people and glorify God no matter which way i go.  today, i talked with one of our deans and he seemed to agree with my original plan – to at least apply this year and do a year, and if i need to re-evaluate at that time, that’s ok.  it sounds like it’ll be easier to first get a foot in the door and explain that i needed to take a break for health reasons after, rather than to take a year off now.  so praise God that that has been answered pretty definitively, so i will go full speed ahead with the application then and we’ll see where i end up!  one step at a time.  that’s all i can do for now.

Advertisements

haha God answers in funny ways.  at the church meeting today:

  1. One of the little twin Chinese girls who were adopted a while back and always hid from me actually talked with me today! So cute!  So maybe I do like interacting with kids after all, if I can be a role model somehow.  Or at least, for Asian American/Taiwanese/Chinese kids
  2. I got there kind of late so there weren’t really any seats left with anyone I knew.  I saw an almost empty table with 2 plates, so I sat there.  Turns out it was the two boys who were asked to pass out papers for everyone (one may have been the pastor’s son, not sure) and it was kind of awkward (i even said sorry lol, b/c i felt like i was intruding their table) and i felt kind of like i wanted to cry a little inside because no one seemed to care that i was there and alone.  but then one of my friends noticed and specifically came over to ask if i wanted to pull up an extra chair and join their table, and they made a place for me.  so that was nice that when i was feeling lonely within the church, God showed me that He cares and that i wasn’t as alone as i thought.
  3. Talked with the pastor after the meeting due to questions about the new church building.  He asked how things were going and i told him about my struggles with figuring out where to go next, and he said there are probably many doors out there that can glorify God, and there likely isn’t any one door that’s going to completely mess everything up.  that was reassuring to hear, and a good reminder, that in the big picture, it’s ok – what matters is God’s kingdom, not what’s happening here, and though the decision seems momentous to me right now, in the large scheme of things, it’s really not that bad.  then he also thanked me for asking the questions i do, and for my heart and desire to serve.  and i almost lost it crying right then (and i think he knew that, and being an awkward introvert himself, he understood and let me go soon after that hahaha).  but yeah.  it was just like… God answering my previous post.  that yeah. it’s ok for you to ask questions.  people who understand you and understand your heart know that you only ever do so for the greater good, and not for anything else, so don’t feel bad or guilty or wrong for doing so.

on a separate note, i don’t know what made me look it up again, but read up some more on bpd moms and their children and again it explains so much… and reluctantly, it made me understand him more too. i suspected he had one too vaguely in the back of my mind, but the articles i just read kind of prove it.  both he and i were the “black sheep”, the “bad” child in our mom’s eyes, at least for a while, and both of us are still struggling to get out from it.  it’s why he thinks what he has now is “love,” because until me, he didn’t know any differently, and he hasn’t had the time (or hasn’t wanted to put the time) into thinking any deeper about it.  just like how until him, i didn’t really know what it felt like to be fully loved by someone.  *sigh*.  i hope things work out soon, one way or another.  i hope there’s someone out there for me, who really will love me completely for who i am, and who i can love in turn with no fear.  otherwise, i hope i can find a fulfilling career so in the quiet hours, i won’t start feeling lonely again for someone or something i can’t have.  or better yet, i hope someday, God can fill my heart completely, so that i never need or want anyone else for the rest of my life, and for eternity.

it’s kind of funny how people can have either mutual good feelings about each other or mutual negative feelings about each other.  i just finished reading a bunch of evals from the last couple rotations and it’s kind of interesting how that works.  maybe it’s kind of like the chinese saying of 緣分 – sometimes you have it with some people, sometimes you don’t.

interestingly, if i do have a problem, it always seems to be from female upper levels.  oh wait, that’s not true.  there have been one or two guy upper levels who have cautioned me on how to phrase my questions so as not to seem like i’m trying to challenge people in the wrong way, but in both of those situations, they ended up understanding my intent was really just to learn, and not trying to put anyone down or anything.  the female ones are the ones though that i just seem to have mutual dislike/uncomfortableness with that doesn’t resolve, maybe because our personalities are so different, or a cultural barrier, or them feeling insecure or something.

i definitely do think there’s probably somewhat of a cultural barrier, as i’m a very direct person and also intensely dislike fake people or people who are fake with me, and it makes me very uncomfortable when i can sense people are being fake nice when they are likely thinking poorly of me for whatever reason.  judging by the evals, they really did think of me as a certain way, which i’m starting to realize that while yes, i can always improve and try to be more careful about how i say things to sound more pleasing/subservient or lower in the hierarchy than other people… but at the same time, sometimes it’s not really my fault because maybe what i’m saying is triggering someone else’s own insecurities and that’s why they instinctively lash back (which often in turn surprises me because it feels so out of the blue after what I think is just an innocent question).  people who are secure in their place and knowledge (and/or who are humble) don’t feel threatened by people asking questions, especially if it’s clear they’re asking out of curiosity and trying to learn, or excited about something, even if they’re wrong.  i can understand if someone feels like they’re being challenged if the other person is actively trying to poke holes in their argument or trying to make them look bad, but it really doesn’t make sense to get upset at someone who is just trying to learn.

i do know i can be stubborn sometimes though (or more often, just muddled and trying to think things through, and sometimes i can be awkward about how i show that), so of course, there are areas where i can improve too.

on the other hand, some of the preceptors and people i really like/respect often say really (surprisingly) nice things about me that i sometimes don’t even think i’m up to that level.  one of my favorite preceptors actually said in the eval that he thinks i have a “rare blend” or intelligence and empathy, that i would make a “great” physician scientist, and that i give hope/optimism for the future of healthcare.  that is super high praise that i feel very honored to receive from him, though given my limited knowledge thus far and my equivocalness on my future, i feel rather undeserving of it at the same time.   but it’s appreciated all the same, if only because it’s an encouragement that maybe i can indeed do a lot of good.

at the end of the day, i can’t please everyone.  i have to realize that and accept that/be okay with that.  and oftentimes, it’s like well, do i really even like those people in the first place?  not really.  so then, why does it matter to me what they think of me?  i know who i am, and i know i mean no ill.  and those who know me should easily recognize the same.  so i don’t need to feel that bad about the few who don’t like me, because my worth should not revolve around other people.  (i do feel i should be a good representative for God though, so still being kind to those who dislike you is something i still try to do).

anyway, need to head out for a church meeting/potluck! excited to hear about building updates!

self-reflection day 2

i’ve been playing a lot of violin and some piano over the last couple days and have gotten a deep sense of enjoyment (along with some frustration at being so rusty, but still, hours go by easily).  of course, i haven’t yet started really practicing for real very much – mostly just playing things i know or can sight-read easily through.  today actually will be the first day since my last post that i haven’t touched either of them… and it’s also the day i’ve shed unnecessary a couple unnecessary tears again about someone i hope i can stop thinking about soon.  music actually is probably one of the few respites i have, because it’s the one thing i love that isn’t also associated somehow with him, and also was a huge part of my past that i remember very fondly – a time when things were so much more innocent.

anyway, today i’ve been reading up a lot on the saint michael trio (which apparently has had a member change in the violinist 0.o) since i knew one of the members of it (actually he’s the one who sent me the PACO camp video haha).  i started listening and really wondering how they did it.  how were they able to balance work and family and play music so well at a professional level?? of course, each member had apparently been playing throughout their lives and were very good to begin with in high school/college, which is already where i’m a little behind, and i’ve had almost a 10 year gap now where i’ve barely practiced anything at all except for bits here and here, say for worship team or band practice, or just for fun occasionally when the mood hits.  but the other thing that was key was they all 3 were already in “senior positions” in whatever they were doing, and so were more able to have the flexibility in schedule to meet up for rehearsals after spending time with family.  so maybe i just need to finally stop going for the long routes and get to the top as fast as i can instead of trying to keep learning everything, so i can be stable and secure (and enjoy what i’m doing with better hours and the patient population i actually want to work with) while also having the leisure time to do other things i’m passionate about.

i think what was particularly inspiring was that they said in some interviews basically “you don’t have to choose.  you can have both!”  and maybe that’s the answer for me.  i’ve been thinking so hard about it as all or nothing, but these articles show that these three people all clearly loved music as much as i did (or more), but all chose non-musical routes for their careers that they can be equally passionate about, and yet still find time for the music that they loved as well.  i’ve been thinking about acting and music as something that you either do full time or not, but maybe there’s a third way, and i just have to stick it out for a little longer (and give up wanting to do both medicine-related things and psych) and maybe find some good people to play with (the other big thing i’ve been lacking here), and i’ll be able to do both.  maybe maybe maybe.  it’s hard to think about because i feel like i’m already so old to start anything, and will be so much older even when i can finally even just barely start my career, and it’s overwhelming to think of potentially starting a family in the middle of all that, or how i would find the time and right people in between to do what i want to do.  i really do think i could be very happy just playing music the rest of my life in various orchestras and giving good performances around the world and teaching… but it’s really hard to say.  would i regret all the years of medical school and research left behind if that’s all i did? i think i would to some degree still want to be involved in science and the art of healing in some fashion or another.  so i don’t know.  the question of the day i guess is “why not both?” and then the follow-up of “how can i best get there in the quickest way?” which will partly depend on what i can actually do with each board certification i guess.  really, i think that’s the crux of it.  kenny kind of hit the nail on the head with that actually – my problem is really that i don’t know who to ask to get the answer i need.

funnily enough, today, inadvertently, my whole team that was there today helped contribute thoughts about my future career and application (with most basically saying don’t do the combo programs because it’s a lot of work, you won’t get any of “easy” months of either program in trying to cram that much info in so you’ll likely be a lot unhappier/burnt out, and you may not need to do all of it anyway to do what you want to do, since there’s such a need for mental health that you can make your practice whatever you want it to be).  there’s definitely a point there, and if i do indeed want to make music/the arts a priority, maybe there’s some merit to that suggestion – a more relaxed schedule does mean more time to explore other things.  and like raj said, it may seem like the same amount of years, but it’s not really the same because you cut out all the lighter months of either program(s), so you actually work way harder and longer hours throughout all of the years (plus likely night shifts for both/all 3)!  so yeah, definitely something to think about… will really need to assess schedules and work-life balance well during interviews.

(as an aside: a lot of the shows i’m following have been put on hold for a couple weeks… maybe it’s God’s way of telling me to focus XDD)

i feel like ultimately, what everyone wants, is to be happy.  to find someone who they can share their lives with, who will love them and be faithful.  so why does that seem so hard to find nowadays?  why are people so willing to cheat and lie?  i really don’t understand the mindset of people who cheat.  is it selfishness? ignorance?  are people so cut off from even the people closest to them that they can’t put themselves in the others’ shoes and realize how much the other person would be hurt?  or is it because they aren’t strong enough to get out of one relationship before starting another?

i really don’t get it.

 

oh man.  we did a lot of arms today in the workout session, and ended with forearm curls and such.  i tried to play some piano and violin just now but it’s so sore i can’t play either very well or for very long, and have 0 bow control now because of it (found out today my right forearm is weaker than my left… possibly because of violin (?!) so yeah T__T.  oh well.  also have a FAT bruise on my right arm where he kept hitting me for one of our moves T__T.  it swelled up a ton and now is just a huge flat bruise so he probably broke a vessel and made a hematoma  T__T. sigh. well, no pain, no gain right? lol XD T__T

anyway i guess that means i should finally get cracking on the discussion list for that paper. sigh.

guh.

editing manuscripts is SUCH A HEADACHE.  i mean, it would be fine if that were all i was doing maybe, but having to do them after working long hours really makes your brain hurt… especially if the writing and organization is poor. >.<  the one we finally sent off a few days ago was honestly kind of a nightmare… i had to edit so much of it for hours every day for like 4 days because every time it came back, there was more that didn’t really flow right/make sense. T__T this one now is just a headache because it’s so FREAKING LONG GEEZ… now i know why journals (USUALLY) issue a word limit >.< apparently this one didn’t or i can’t find it. blah.  but yeah it’s super long and wordy and you can tell they haven’t tried to polish it that way because there’s redundant sentences/words everywhere.  at least the grammar is mostly correct.  (and now i understand why people have such a headache with my stuff because i also tend to be wordy and redundant, HAH.  that’s what i get i guess lolol.)  *Sigh*.  Hope I can finish this off today at least so it’s one less thing I have to worry about.

UGH AND I STILL HAVE TO WRITE THE LIST FOR MY STIM USE PAPER AND ALSO THE APPLICATION FOR THE AACAP MEETING AND DRAFT THE REC LETTER FOR THAT AND LAKDSJFLAWETHLWERIH WHEN AM I GOING TO HAVE TIME TO WRITE MY STUPID PERSONAL STATEMENT?!?!

epiphany of the day – violin posture

… soooo…. i JUST figured out today that… if i play with better posture… i can suddenly actually play a lot of things, especially double stops, in tune so much better… WHAT?!?!  HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN PLAYING WITH THIS BAD POSTURE!?  IS THIS WHY I COULD NEVER PLAY IN TUNE?!?!

I WANT to say/hope that this only happened maybe in college when I started playing in baroque ensemble, which threw off both my tuning (since it’s 432 instead of 440 hz) and my posture (no shoulder rests, so may have compensated by hunching my shoulder more = shoulder blade sticks out to stick the shoulder up in a weird way).  but who knows… this may have very well started way before then.  the only other possibility is after gaming so much, especially with GW2, i’ve noticed i have a very lopsided posture because the R hand uses the mouse while the left uses a keyboard that is often pushed forward, so my arms/shoulders are very unbalanced.  so i’m pretty sure regardless that my whole time here, i’ve had this terrible posture, which has also thrown off a lot of things, like how i stand, walk, etc.

MAN. still can’t get over that haha. @___@  things were so much easier to play too.  at first, i was kind of down at how sucky my playing was, but once i adjusted my shoulder… played quite a few pieces and played over an hour and it was good. ^.^

on a completely separate note, time of the month’s suck.  luckily my team let me leave early today so i could take a nap and rest.  tried to work out today but almost fainted, after 1 set of 2 different exercises for arms and then legs, so i was just like nope. going to shower and rest. so didn’t get much done today, but pretty happy about the epiphany! hope i’ll actually remember it next time >.<! lol.

but yeah… especially on this service – when i think about what i would do if i was told i only have a few months to live… i would definitely quit doing medicine and do something else.  play music, write a book, write/direct movies, travel… so doesn’t that say something about what i do and don’t want to do?  that problem of course, is that while i would love to have a free-lance job like that, unfortunately, none of those would be a “stable” job until i got really good and lucky with it.  :\ *sigh*.  i do kind of want to go to music school now though.  for at least a year to get down the basics, if nothing else.

been listening to the PACO recordings of yesteryear – both the official recordings, and the live concert recordings (which are pretty much almost of the same quality!  i wonder where/how they got their recording equipment because the quality is surprisingly good considering!).  but yeah… man.  they sound very similar to a professional orchestra.  dang.  what must it have been like to have been part of PACO during its golden years under mr. whitson?  it would have been something to be proud of for sure.

then again, maybe i wouldn’t have even been good enough to get into PACO if that were the case.  i only barely managed to get in the first place by sheer happenstance, thanks largely to my mom finding my violin teacher, who also happened to be one of the conductors back then.

i wonder why we never recorded anything in our years?  or if we did, i wonder where they are and what they sound like.  for some reason i suspect it wasn’t nearly to the same quality… but who knows. maybe i’m being too hard on us.  we were the transitional years after all – having had a good foundation, perhaps it still carried over.

edit:

also side note: holy crack, catherine ro was AMAZING. @___@. i didn’t know much about her when she was one of the coaches or guests or something at my first PACO camp and just remember thinking she was kind of intimidating lol, though other people always said she was good, but listening to these recordings/videos, dang, she was AMAZING.  and apparently according to some of the articles/vids, she won first place with the LA philharmonic when in high school, and then later went to julliard. @__@).  the one thing i heard corey cerovsek play was also really good (the year i was born 0.o haha) – he apparently soloed when they went on tour oversees too based on some of the newspapers, so i’m glad i got to hear what they were all raving about XD

also in the Stanford production featuring Bill Whitson and alumni, the orchestra STARTS OUT WITH THE ROSSINI STRING SONATA NO 1 that i played in that PACO camp video @__@.  so i guess i maybe i shouldn’t look at it as always only getting the “easy” pieces at camp haha.  and they also did a 4 violin concerto concert back in Bill Whitson’s day as well, so now i can think of it as us carrying on tradition a bit i guess haha. that makes me feel a bit better.

 

self-reflection day 1 – music

so i guess i’m going to try what kenny said, and start doing serious self-reflections (that will likely turn into somewhat stream of consciousness writing lol, but oh well) to think about what i want to do with my life.

today’s piece will be about music, because i got sent a video from my old orchestra camp in 2003 by one of the previous coaches.  at first, i was kind scared to watch my own piece (and couldn’t even find it for a bit since it’s a 2 hr long video and i was kind of skipping around in it) but finally i did. it was only a <2.5 min clip that didn’t even finish our piece, and I very clearly rushed and had a few out of tune notes, but i surprisingly sounded better than i thought i would, with better control of my bow and a pretty clear tone actually 0.o (and actually our quartet in general actually sounded pretty good i thought, even compared to others who i always thought played better than i did o.0  maybe it’s because we actually worked together more, and/or had a good coach? not sure. or maybe i’m just biased since i know the piece or something hahaha).  i do think after listening for a while though that my violin really is more resonant than a lot of the other instruments (which is what i chose it for), and i really like its warmth.  i think that’s actually what helped fill out our quartet’s piece.  that and now i can see why teachers always say i’m “musical” even when i didn’t notice it before (having almost never heard myself play and always focusing on my mistakes when i do), but when listening to some of the other groups, the music just sounds kind of… flat… even though the technicality is there.  and i have to say we had a really good first violinist too, who had very good control of his bow and music.  i remember not being especially happy with my group at the time (because as usual i was put with all new/younger people that i didn’t know at all), but in the end we all pulled it together despite our complete lack of association outside of practices, so i guess we made a good group after all.  now that i think about it, maybe because they were all new and everyone in our group in general tended to be more timid (myself included), we were able to work together with no egos involved.  which is really what music is all about – breaking through barriers to come together in harmony.  and in many ways, i think PACO actually really subconsciously influenced me in that way for my leadership style and how i would desire to lead a company etc – by choosing people who have the same mentality regarding working together – working hard, bringing your best, but not caring about who gets more credit or higher positions because we’re all working together equally, and everyone can showcase themselves in their own way while contributing to a greater whole.

anyway.  i ended up playing a little bit of violin today after that.  my fingers are so freaking rusty and my violin went dormant again so it was kind of a downer playing haha, but it was still enjoyable.

and then i trawled through the old archives that he sent me of the old PACO, back in the day of the old founder, and their recordings are SO GOOD!!! i wish we had some from our years so i could compare, but man.  so good! (as an aside, Holst’s St. Paul’s Suite really is one of my favorites, i think partly because of all the nostalgia it evokes.  we must have played it at least 3 times throughout my time in the different orchestra in PACO, including on our England tour.  it makes my heart happy just hearing it ^.^ plus, it’s just so fun!)

i also ended up looking up an old PACO friend who i haven’t talked to or seen in YEARS (though a recent post of hers had popped up on newsfeed the other day, which is why i thought of it) but she’s apparently even gone to julliard for historical performance (which is apparently tuition free! by audition only! @__@ so she must have been pretty good – and i looked up some of her videos and she plays quite well now, as can be expected).

but yeah, so… music.  definitely something i’m really really missing in my life.  looked up a lot of old clippings and notes from Mr. Whitson and stuff and I wish he were still alive today so i could ask him how he did it.  of course, if he were still alive today, i would have actually gotten a chance to be conducted by him and get to know him instead of only hearing about him from second hand accounts. :\  if anyone retained the spirit of his vision though, based on anecdotes and such, it’s probably me haha.  (and of course many other alums, like the person who sent me the links and is putting all of this stuff together).  i would love to leave a legacy like that… that even over 25 (!!) years later, people still are putting together an archive of my works and memorials and records that show what was achieved.  and more than that, all the lives that have been affected and enriched by this!

sigh.  what would happen if i could get into music school.. haha T__T.  i think it’d be amazing to be able to play music with people the rest of my life.  to have a really great quartet would be AMAZING.  or to be able to play in a good orchestra again.  and i love teaching, so being a music teacher or orchestra conductor (if i had enough skill) would be perfectly fine too.

the problem is, i’ve never had the discipline to sit down and practice perfecting that craft.  so would i really enjoy it as a job instead of a hobby?  i think it would have to depend on whether i got to choose what i wanted to do or not (same as acting)

on the other hand, what kenny says kind of applies here too… if i was able to accomplish that much by almost never practicing, then how much more could i accomplish if i did?  and actually in a way, that video is a perfect example of my potential since at that time, we only got the music that week, and practiced a lot throughout the week.  if i could accomplish that much in a week, how much better could i be with good instruction after a year of significant practice?  i think probably a year or two actually would be good enough to get me to the point where i’d feel a lot more comfortable technically and such with it to last the rest of my life (so even if i stopped for a bit, i’d know how to get back to shape, so to speak).  the problem is that at my level right now, no conservatory in their right mind would likely take me. :\

blah. so i guess i didn’t exactly move forward much with this reflection beyond knowing that music is something i want/need in my life in some way.  right now i feel like it is hard to plan for taking classes or something because i don’t know where i’ll be in a year.  but maybe that should be part of what i factor into it.  where can i do a residency etc where i can be sure to be near a source of music such that i could either take classes or find people to play with?  maybe i should make that a priority when picking where to apply to this year as a first step.