it’s only day 2 and i think my partner is going to drive me crazy… or at least she is going to severely try my patience.  i know that i normally get exhausted being around extroverts, but i think this may be even worse – probably closer to those people who are draining just because they are constantly sapping away the energy of people around them.  she’s a really nice person, and helpful and everything, but she also questions like, everything, and is constantly needing either validation or wanting to leave or gossiping or complaining… to the point where i actually felt kind of relieved after we got out (early for me) today just so i wouldn’t have to be around that constant stimulation. -.-||  it’s gonna be a long month.



FT just ended a couple days ago. such a huge part of my life, and now it’s over. T________T.  it’s the one manga i actually followed pretty consistently, all the way until the end.  in a way i’m sad b/c jerza never officially became canon the way a couple others did – you’re kind of left with implications but nothing solid.  i guess the same could be said of nalu.  but in a way, this ending is fitting, and was a much better resolution than either bleach or naruto had for a final chapter (though the zervis thing wasn’t really explained well, i’m even ok with the random reincarnation thing or w/e b/c i’m happy for them).  *sigh* what an end of an era.  thank you mashima for a wonderful story.

random thought of the day

huh. i just realized… technically, i finished all of my graduation requirements from undergrad when i was 20, in 2008, though i didn’t walk/graduate until 2009.  next year, due to how the mstp works, i will also have finished all my graduation requirements for the mstp at 30, in 2018, though i won’t technically graduate until i’m 31, in 2019.  funny how stuff like that works.  if you take it even further, my first relationship ended towards the end of my 2nd year in college.  my 2nd ended the 2nd year of med school. and the 3rd ended at the end of the phd, when i have 2 years left of school (1.5 years really) again, for my last degree.  interesting.

just re-watched the first season of free! (fast forwarding through some parts) and T___T.  i want to be on a team.  i want to have a rival/friend.  T___T now i’m kind of sad i never played sports in middle/high school T___T.  i guess the closest was doing collegiates for wushu, but since i got injured after that first year, i never really got to compete. :\

i miss performing.

i did get to play for worship team this morning though! that was fun.

but yeah, really miss working together on a team and performing. and yes, i know i keep posting stuff like this lately.  just goes to show how much i miss it i guess.  which is weird b/c i never though of myself as liking to perform – it’s always so nerve wracking.  but when you do end up reaching the audience… it’s pretty great.

random thought of the day…

just saw the opening for an old show from the 80’s-90’s on fb called “hey dude” (…what lol), and was thinking man, everyone looked so wholesome and nice back then. thinking back to all the shows on tv back in the day, they were all so much more innocent and felt more down to earth.  and i was like what happened? maybe it’s the hairstyle or clothing… and then i realized… it’s the MAKE-UP.  or lack thereof/different style.  all the girls looked so much more natural then, whereas now, everyone’s into thick, dark smoky eyes and eye shadow and the sultry look and all that.  (and the content of shows is a LOT more risque and dark now).  man. wish we could go back to that time…


I read it.  and cried. and read it again. and cried.  T______________T

love is a very funny thing.

i’m still not sure if i would have been better off never having felt it before or not.

man. every time i watch this, it always brings a smile to my face.  (and i can never just watch it one time! XD)

i wish there were better quality versions out there but oh well.

i also always seem to notice something new each time.  this time, i caught a couple more dance moves that those on the sides were doing. but i also realized for the first time that this was a collab of a predominantly asian group, a black group, and a white group, each with their own very distinct styles (and somewhat arguably representative styles of a subset of each of their races). and that two of those were from the south (AL and GA), and one from the west (CA), which are basically the 3 states i’ve lived in/spent time in the most in the US (GA obviously much less than the other two, but still). what the heckkkk hahaha. so yeah. basically i love this performance even more with both of those facts. *fangirls*!

ok i should sleep now – it’s way past my bedtime. *sigh* i miss the old quest crew and being inspired and… i miss dancing.  and having a team. and performing. and… *sigh*.


we found out we lost a patient today.  it wasn’t one of mine, but it was still one of the team’s.  truth be told, this was one of the patients i actually saw the least, as they were only with us for a couple of days and we were off on the 4th as med students so i think i saw them a total of 2 times briefly during rounds and didn’t know much about them.  but man.  the mood in the room immediately plummeted after the news.  i could see our upper level and the AI who took care of that patient looking things up in the chart and wracking their brains for a couple of hours trying to figure out what could have happened or if they’d done anything wrong or could have somewhat prevented it. and i know that even when they were taking care of the other patients they had, it kept going on in the back of their minds.  especially our upper level.  as much as he kept reassuring the AI that medically, they’d checked everything out and they’d done right and all they could have given the circumstances, i know it was still eating at him inside. :\

as for me, i’m not sure how i feel.  is it bad that i don’t seem to be feeling much at all except sympathy?  i don’t really know much about this patient, and maybe that’s partly why.  but i did notice they looked pretty down when we saw them at the last round session, and i remember having a fleeting thought of wanting to talk with them and see how they were doing. but in the course of all the other things we had to do and learn, i ended up not thinking much of it.  but maybe… maybe that could have made a difference. i don’t know.

the strange thing is that yesterday, i’d mentioned in passing the team/AI that i’d had a dream the previous night that one of their (other) patients had passed away. and it was a pretty bad dream, so i woke up pretty disoriented, and had to reassure myself that it wasn’t true before going in.  but i remember thinking it was a little odd, as the patient i’d dreamed of, or thought i’d dreamed of, was smaller in stature than that patient in real life. so maybe i was actually dreaming of this one instead. :\

anyway.  feeling kind of weird.  partly feeling odd that i’m not more upset about the fact, partly wondering if i’m just still in shock/denial, and partly wondering if this is a normal reaction/defense mechanism when you don’t know the deceased personally, or whether the jadedness of medicine is already starting to hit.  if the latter, it would be pretty bad, as i’ve only been on the wards for 2 weeks.

happy 4th of july!

it was actually a pretty social day for me, relatively speaking, though not very productive ^.^|| T__T.  went out to lunch with jeannie and keisuke at red pearl – kind of a mini congrats for finishing the phd and semi-going away one for keisuke (i had NO idea dr. a was leaving whatttttt). but anyway.  then my time of the month came, along with its cramps T__T so basically was incapacitated for an hour or two as i napped it away (i’m so grateful it happened today when i happened to be off for the holiday instead of being on post-call because that would have been miserable.  so praise God for that!) then headed over to lily’s, who apparently literally lives only 2 doors down?! and we played splendor and the french city/road building game that joseph brought over, and had dinner together, which was nice.

also, as it turns out, you actually can see the fireworks from here (though one of the buildings cut off part of it) – ended up having to wash my feet twice for it (b/c i went in and washed it before the finale apparently) but it was nice.  they outdid themselves this year for the finale.  even though i watched it alone this year, it was actually kind of nice. for some reason, it gave me a sense of peace and happiness.  a reminder that there is beauty in this world, and that things will end up alright. that i can move forward.  that God is good and sovereign, and that He has a newer, brighter future in store.  all in all, it was a good ending to all that happened these last 7 months.

so here’s to new beginnings! (and to 10 straight days of work lol T___T)

you know you’re a med student when… (and the end of another chapter)

you start dreaming about patients (not ones from real life), and the first thing you wake up to is thinking – no, mr. alders doesn’t have COPD – he’s a pink puffer, so he has to have emphesyma! -.-||| LOL T__T. (and yes, mr. alders, as far as i know, does not exist in real life).

i’ve actually been having a lot of weird/vivid dreams lately.  not sure if it’s the change in sleeping schedule, or that i’ve been so tired, or what (slept later than i should have the last two days) but yeah.

today’s an interesting day though.  it’s the 4th of july – independence day.  it’s also my half-birthday, so i’m 29.5 years old today.  and we have the day off as med students, which is really nice.  lots of thoughts have been swirling in my head this morning, and unfortunately a fairly large portion has been about him, and being upset at the whole situation.  so there were lots of imagined yelling scenes. weirdly though, physiologically i’ve been extremely calm and peaceful, so that i don’t even think my heart rate raised at all.  so i guess i really am over it, at least emotionally.  praise God.  forgiveness, after all, is more for the one wronged than the one in the wrong, at least especially in the case where the one in the wrong is incapable of seeing their error.  i also did just check and saw that he did log in to that e-mail account a couple days ago, so if nothing else, he should have noticed the e-mail.  whether he read it or not, or understood it or not, is out of my hands.  (or maybe it got buried, so he hasn’t seen it, who knows).  but regardless, if there was anything left, that was the last little tie i was waiting for, so now it’s completely done.  it’s a good day to finally move forward with my life, and leave the past behind.

there was a good song at shocco again this year that’s been playing in my head/heart the last couple of days upon waking up, and it’s really peace/calm/joy-inducing.  it’s called “Man of Sorrows”, by Hillsong.  my favorite lyrics are in the bridge:

Now my debt is paid
It is paid in full
By the precious blood
That my Jesus spilled

Now the curse of sin
Has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed

There is freedom in Christ that can be found nowhere else.  Praise Him for His Son and that truth. 🙂


edit: oh yeah, you know what else today is? it’s exactly 2 weeks since we last talked.  after today, it’ll be the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking to each other. kind of sad that i still remember that (though i was on the verge of forgetting! so that’s a good sign), but it is also the 4th, a day of “death” for the chinese, so in a way, it’s also fitting, that today marks the final death of that relationship.  (interestingly enough, our hospital doesn’t have a 4th floor.  i wonder if it’s for that reason, though i didn’t think americans would dislike the number 4 0.o).