i got the chance to talk to a young boy (11) about bullying today.  his mother had brought him in to clinic to change his ADHD meds since they were “wearing off” 4 hours after his first dose, and his grades were suffering because of it.  he was apparently talking a lot and being “aggressive” and getting into fights.  but when he was asked why, it was clear that he was being bullied and was just retaliating, and no one was really taking him seriously, including his mom.  so when there was a brief lull in the conversation as the psychiatrist went to get the swab kits (to figure out whether his body was metabolizing the meds too quickly), and the mom had asked me a bit of small talk questions, i decided to use the chance to explain why they needed the swabs as a segue into mentioning that it sounded like part of the reason the meds suddenly seem to not work as well anymore is because he was being bullied a lot at school.  the boy finally looked up and nodded, clearly grateful someone was hearing what he was saying (the mom had kept hushing him at times during his attempts to explain why he was talking so much in class).  so i gave him a few tips about bullying, namely that it might suck now, but it’s really only a short period of time that he’ll be in school and be bullied in his whole lifetime (shoutout to corbin bleu for that one haha), and that usually bullies are also missing something inside, and that’s why they pick on other people to make themselves feel better.  i also added that they like seeing people get angry/react, so sometimes the best thing to do is be stronger and ignore them.  he got more quiet and contemplative after i said that, and when the psychiatrist (who had come back in by that time) asked him later if he remembered what i said, he did.  and i think he seemed to feel better by the end of the session, and i hope he’ll be able to do well.  that kind of thing is much easier said than done, and it depends on the type of bully it is as well.  but it definitely felt nice to feel like i helped someone, and with luck, help them see the world and other people a little differently through the rest of his life.  i wish i could follow him long term, but of course, as a med student, pretty much all my interactions with patients are going to be transient, at least for now.

while sitting through rounds today and hearing the background of the kids there, i also thought up so many research questions that i think would be really interesting to find out relating to how abuse affects the developing psyche and relationships between people, etc.  i don’t know if papers have already been published on these things, but there is so much that i have theories on that i would want the world to know if it can help prevent some of the trauma so many people suffer through their lives.  also education of both boys and girls from a young age as an intervention for sexual/physical assault, and just treating other people with worth.  it made me think about the christian ideals of how to relate to other people, and how amazing it would be if everyone could actually treat each other the way God intended us to live, in harmony… and how broken the world is currently.  *sigh*.  i have such high ambitions haha.  which i think the attending i’m working with has already noted, because he was like “you can’t think that way, or you won’t last in this profession” a couple times when i asked about certain areas of the system that i feel like allow patients to fall through the cracks.  it’s going to be an interesting month, that’s for sure.

ok time to actually get a full night’s sleep (only got like ❤ hrs yesterday, trying to get that stupid draft out).  luckily this attending who’s covering for the other attending only rounds at 10am, so i have plenty of time to sleep in (relatively speaking) ^.^||!  thank goodness.


and a nice tag onto the last post – just saw this post and was like omgosh!  that explains why i’ve always felt out of place/why my thought pattern seems so different than everyone else’s!  my ideas jump around, and i’m extremely random and playful, but i also see myself as really responsible and dedicated to whatever i’ve committed to, and spend a lot of time perfecting stuff.  and i make weird connections and come to conclusions that sometimes match or don’t match other people’s, but the way i get there is completely different. THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! XD!!! lol.  i also really resonate with both the concept of being realistic yet naive, and also the part about being very passionate about one’s work, but also objective about how good it is.  and i guess the genuine humility but pride juxtaposition makes sense to me too – like i’m proud when i’ve put in a lot of time and effort and come out with a pretty good product, but i’m also extremely aware of all the flaws and how it can be better.

so hah. i guess i am a creative type by nature after all.

… *SIGH* DOES THAT MEAN I’M ON THE WRONG TRACK AFTER ALL?! *spirals into existential crisis again* T________T

ah. now i know why it’s been taking me so freaking long to (get motivation) to work on these freaking edits.  on top of the simple fact that i still need to read more papers and tie things in better… it’s just a bad draft.  like, really bad.  and a large part of it, now that i’m remembering… is because the other guy wrote the intro/discussion and “skeleton” of it, and he’s just… really not a great writer.  he’s certainly very smart, or at least has the ability to memorize a lot of info, and he’s certainly a better speaker than i am, but his work, at least what i’ve seen so far in seeing him do analyses and also with writing/putting together presentations, is sloppy and his writing flow is often unorganized.  so it’s always a headache trying to fix it – it would almost be better i think if i worked from scratch -.-||.  we’ll see i guess. i’ll try to make do with what’s there and give it a couple hours, and if that doesn’t work, then i’ll start from scratch, as much as that kind sucks.

anyway! in a kind of creative streak in the moment – doesn’t bode well for my med school grades/performance on clerkships, but at least i’m more alert and my brain’s back up to speed again.  also contemplating my future a lot – lots of “is this really what i want to do?” and “will this best allow me to incorporate the things i want to do?” questions lately.  in regards to the current topic, maybe my future isn’t necessarily in doing pure research or clinical.  maybe it’s to make videos on people’s (or my own!) research, to make it engaging and exciting and accessible to the lay public.  or maybe it’ll be to make the things i find/people i come across someway reflected in the media, be it the form of videos, articles, stories… to share the experiences of people with the world.

man, i don’t know.  sometimes i feel like there are so many forking paths to take, each one of which could be really interesting, but there’s certainly not time enough to do them all.  and then there’s the creative side of me who still longs to break out of the mold, to pursue some creative art fully and devotedly, at least for even just a year or two… to just try really really hard every day at something i love for hours, instead of being confined to a “day job” and then whatever scrap of time/energy i have leftover, if any.  i’ve actually been looking into what theater or dance classes uab offers just to see, but they all happen during clerkships though, which sucks :\.

or maybe i just need to be able to better manage my time… sigh. i don’t know.  it just keeps feeling like time is running out before i get stuck on a road as an adult or something, silly as that sounds.  i mean, i’m like way already an adult, by over 10 years now, but still.  lol maybe this is my minor semi-mid-life crisis happening or something hahaha.  though it’s times like these that i’m really glad i’m single (selfish as that may be), so that i don’t feel locked into any decisions yet – no one else will truly suffer a burden based on whatever i choose yet.  so in that sense, at least i do have a little bit more time.  but there’s really only a year left for one of the biggest decisions yet… (actually less than a year, in terms of residency applications, but about a year in terms of deciding what to do w/ the free 6 months i have).

ANYWAY, i guess that’s enough procrastinating for today!  time to get on that stupid draft.


Random discovery of the day

Gah, my computer is being a butt again so I have to write this on my phone. Sigh. Oh well.

Anyway, I realized in the Zumba class today why I have always had a sucky core.  It’s because apparently, I’ve been cheating all along!  Every time in wushu or dance or any other kind of exercise where we have to do twisting movements with our body, I guess I’ve just always used my upper torso/arms to get the momentum to turn, and just somehow never ended up engaging my ab muscles. O.o not really sure how that happened, but today, when the instructor was telling us to make sure how to use our core when turning, I suddenly got it. I actually stiffened up my ab muscles and realized my turning looks a lot cleaner when I do that. So basically, I actually realized two things today. One is that I never engaged my core before really when doing turning movements, and two, that’s why I always looks so floppy when I do dance movements!  So yay, learned something new today that will hopefully help for me and doing dance from now on ^.^!

Also kind of weird was that the instructor today actually reminded me of him a lot in terms of body type and hair somewhat because it was long, and he’s dark-skinned, and his voice actually was around the same register. Actually it was kind of funny, my eyes were so bad that I thought it was a girl instructor at first when I walked by the room because I was planning on checking out a different class originally, but then no one showed up for that class, so I decided to go into this one, and I expected to hear a girl’s voice and had to do a double-take when it was actually a pretty obvious guys voice after I got in the room. My eyesight is so bad T__T.  It’s pretty cool though – this guy was really in shape and had strong muscles, but he told us it was all from dancing, and that he hadn’t been to the gym in 2 years or so. He apparently teaches 10 classes a week, and then also spends hours learning choreography for the on top of that. So that’s kind of inspiring for me, to know that I can get super in shape just by dancing haha. That I guess I kind of knew that already after my year and Socal.  It’s just been such a long time since I’ve danced.  Man I am super sore though from these last two classes haha, even though they were just an hour each. My legs are so weak *cries* T__T and my cardio sucks. >.<  though I guess the nice thing is that I already I’m starting to feel a little stronger than I have been, which is cool.

Phew! Voice to text has gotten good enough now that it’s actually much faster than trying to type or swipe words on a phone. Thank goodness!  Though it is kind of weird dictating my post instead of typing it. The kinesthetic in me is very confused haha.  Okay, running out of battery and I guess I should go do some chores and/or get to work. Hope my computer decides to work soon… ._.||


ugh.  i’m the worst at procrastination.  or maybe it’s my underlying, unofficially dx’d adhd (literally looked up the symptoms the other day and i have had like 7/9 of the attention deficits since i was a young child.  just kind of thankful i’ve not been medicated to be like a zombie since a young age lol).  but anyway.  been sitting here after our osr meeting for the last 2.5 hrs and it is just so so hard to stay on task. i’ve forced myself not to check fb b/c 1) i forgot my phone and 2) this computer tends to crash every time i go on FB, especially in incognito mode for some reason, especially if one of the video auto-plays, and i don’t want to have to reopen everything again and find my space, but it’s SO HARD to keep my mind focused on my work and i don’t know why.  the stuff is kind of interesting too… i guess maybe it’s because i’m doing the kind of tedious part right now, which is summarizing everything onto a sheet b/c i know i won’t have access to all these articles later and it’ll be easier to reference stuff if they’re all in one place.  but yeah it’s annoying – much easier to just open the articles as needed… OMGOSH I JUST REALIZED I’M IN LAB SO I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST PRINT THESE ARTICLES OUT I’M SO STUPID. LOLOL ok that’s a much much easier way to go about this. gonna go do that now LOL.

but yeah, so 1 more hour to wait here until ballroom dance class!  should go by much faster now that i’m going to be mostly just printing off a bunch of stuff. lol i’m so dumb.  ok bye.

just found out they have hip hop class at the rec again, so went today.  it was definitely a workout because i’m definitely out of shape T___T but it was pretty fun!  it wasn’t so much teaching a piece or steps, but pretty much aerobic the whole way through, and she went through a lot of basic grooves, so it was good just loosening up my joints again and refreshing my memory on how to do moves.  she also noticed me a bit apparently! ^.^ when i went to talk to her after class, that’s what she said anyway.  but yeah.  she uses a lot of body rolls and shakes which i’m not huge into, but it was overall quite fun.  ah, i miss dance so much haha.  glad i went 🙂

also yesterday just heard the craziest love story – apparently the intern i was working with was engaged 7 years ago, they broke up and he spiraled down pretty dang far, basically drinking and using every drug known to man… then used a psychedelic mushroom and realized how messed up he was making his life and turned it back around… then got into med school, and then got cancer while in med school and got treated… then the girl contacted him the day he’d gotten diagnosed because she’d had a bad dream about him.. and then she started losing vision in one eye and he diagnosed her with a brain tumor which she’s now getting treated for… and apparently in the meantime, she had gotten married to an abusive husband, so is now planning to divorce him for the intern, and yeah.  he literally used the word “twitterpated” to describe how he feels about her, even after all this time and is clearly over the moon about her, even though he says he’s dated a lot of girls in the meantime.  talk about a crazy love story.  hope it works out for them.

also at the last LC meeting, found out the first other 3rd year i was ever on the same service with is actually is planning to be a living donor for a kidney transplant for a kid with alport’s syndrome.  talk about selfless!  i don’t even think they’re related – he just knows the kid from somewhere (some volunteer thing he did or something)? anyway, crazy respect and props. @__@.  makes what i think of as sacrifices sometimes seem so puny and small.


whoa~! apparently yukihira’s room number in polar star dormitory is the same as mine! @__@  so random. XD

also i’ve realized that it’s extremely important to have likeable protagonists… otherwise it’s very easy to lose your audience.  case in point: i loved the HSM series b/c the main characters were all so likeable/wholesome/interesting.  however, i watched part of another movie corbin was in called jump in, which he apparently made around the time of HSM2.  he, of course, is awesome in it, but the main girl interest person is just really annoying so i ended up not finishing the movie.  OUAT is suffering the same.  it was interesting at the beginning due to premise, and the characters were intriguing at the beginning.  later however, snow and charming got pretty stale, and then all the additional characters from basically belle on were just not very interesting (and i think belle honestly was the most annoying/boring of them all).  the current season is even worse because even though my favorite actors of the previous seasons (rumple, regina, and of course, hook) are still here, and they do great when they are actually on the screen, the rest of the cast, and especially the other female leads, are really bad.  the little girl is so whiny, her mom, which is henry’s supposed love interest is extremely stubborn (in a bad/annoying way where she “tries to be independent” and fails miserably, and then tries to make up for it but doesn’t do a good job convincing the audience, and ugh), and just overall is annoying to watch because she’s just constantly exasperated and always gives up.  maybe that’s the thing i hate – continually seeing a protagonist just give up.  no one wants to watch that.  maybe that’s why i gravitate towards shonen shows, because it’s always about overcoming the odds and having a fighting spirit, no matter what.  i was actually just about to say that i think i might stop watching it now, but they did a good job with cliffhangering this last episode (well, 2nd to last, but the last one i can access), putting a twist on who the real villain is, so maybe i’ll watch just to see what happens.  but anyway, almost have had enough of it (and it’s no wonder the ratings are low too).

so, note to future self who may want to write stories: write likeable protagonists, and if you cast actors, make sure they have good presence and chemistry, because otherwise, no matter how good the story is, people are just not going to enjoy watching it.  also note to self: make DOUBLE, TRIPLE sure the females, especially the female leads, are good.  b/c in jump in, and even this season of ouat, the male leads are actually fairly good.  it’s the female leads that just bring the whole thing down b/c of the inherent annoying quality to their characters.  so yeah. make sure the females have just as good of a stage presence!

man, corbin bleu turned out so much better/more wholesome than zac efron did lol.  alright, guess it’s time to switch over fandoms LOL.

… also, is it sad that i’d always assumed he was half black before when i first saw the series, and it was only now, that i’ve been with an islander, that i thought to look up his ethnicity to see if maybe he was part islander too?  @__@ i’m so uncultured…


edit: holy shiznet… zac efron is (well, was) totally like a more PC, humbler, nicer version of will.  holy shiznet.  wow.  even the way they talk, their inflections, their sense of humor (besides will’s crass side) is the same. @__@.

edit2:  holy crack.  from interviews back in the day, corbin bleu said he wanted to do medicine and hoped at one point he could maybe do both!!! ME TOO (but from the other end of the spectrum obviously XD T__T but like him, i realized the other occupation is a full time thing to work on as well T___T).  also vanessa hudgens apparently would have been a pediatrician apparently if she wasn’t an actress 0.o  also found out bleu is christian, and it’s awesome to see an actor who is christian and actually lives mostly accordingly, which i think is probably really difficult in the acting world.  man, he just gets better and better in my book hahaha. XD

edit3: other uncultured self info – it never really clicked that ryan and sharpay were twins.  like, i guess they really couldn’t be anything else considering they’re in the same freaking grade, but since she always referred to him as her “brother” instead of “twin,” i never really made the connection until i saw a recent vid she made with him doing a cover of “what i’ve been looking for” in a version he wrote.  also, now i finally know where the singing for the awesome fan-made HSM4 trailer comes from XD.

o.0 so… one weird thing i’ve noticed when going through the making of vids is… i used to be all about zac efron… but for some reason now my eyes get drawn to corbin bleu.  and i think i still prefer zac’s physique (and hair!) and character in the show, but i can’t help noticing corbin more now… i’ve always liked his smile and thought he was cute i guess, but zac was of course the one i liked b/c of his awkward, cute adorkableness and he’s good-looking to me haha.  but now watching this, i was like ohhhh that’s who will reminds me of! it was zac efron back in the day! w/ the hair and everything too! @__@ and then of course… the polar opposite in some ways, is the guy from palau, who corbin bleu actually reminds me a lot of, especially now that he’s older (though i prefer his younger version looks-wise :P).  but yeah that was a super weird realization… -.-||

anyway.  on a slightly different note, i don’t know why so many people try so hard to break out of the “disney mold.”  i mean, sure maybe i get it, some people want to be seen as more “adult” or a “serious” actor with different types of characters they can play… but personally, if i had the chance to, i’d love to always be part of disney (and similar) types of shows that are feel-good, happy movies like these (though maybe not so much some of the drivel on tv nowadays… lol).  what monique said in the making of HSM3 is exactly what i want to do someday – it would be so amazing to be part of something that moves people and changes their lives.  plus they all are obviously having so much fun, and the way they talk about dancing for 12 hrs straight and still wanting to do more?  that’s totally what i would want to do.  and *sigh* who wouldn’t want to be part of such a fun group of people, making such fun movies?? (and yeah i feel so much stronger about these movies than stuff like the HP series, even though they also all grew up together on the series… not sure if i’ts b/c i just feel like their acting wasn’t that great, or b/c i just don’t resonate as much w/ the series or what, but they just don’t seem to have the same kind of relationship.)

ok i wrote all of this while simultaneously watching behind the scenes vids so it’s probably not coherent at all but w/e! should go sleep soon anyway XD. excuse the random semi-coherent but not post. XD


edit: holy crack, when his hair got shorter and as he got older… corbin bleu actually also really reminds me of another guy i used to crush on, who was also half white and half well… the crush was half asian, whereas he’s half jamaican apparently, but still. weird. @__@.

it’s times like these where i realize how fortunate i am to belong to such an amazing church.  i missed going to church last week due to a shift, and missed today’s too to continue recovering from my ear infection, so i listened to last week’s this morning to make up for it, since it was on the site.  it was on singleness, and it was exactly what i needed to hear.  in the middle of it, bart said a quote from someone, which was something to the effect of: it is inconceivable that i should be anywhere than where i am, and he also mentioned a Spurgeon quote: “… had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there”.  another was that both marriage and singleness point to the gospel – the former reflects its the shape, and the latter, its sufficiency.  these speak to some things i have been thinking of the last few days (while i’ve been mostly in bed recovering lol) about the whole situation, between my bouts of emotion.  though it was, and still is sometimes, difficult to get past the pain when i accidentally spend too much time reflecting on what happened, going through it definitely helped me grow a lot in dependence on God and in realizing He alone is sufficient as my Rock and Shelter. that He sustains and forgives and draws me near, despite my mistakes and in my sorrows.  the timing of it all was also pretty good for me – i was able to release the bulk of the pain that weekend, and so my subsequent scramble in trying to catch up with medical information and pass my shelf exams were not hindered too much by emotional baggage, as it might have been otherwise.  given what happened during step 1, it’s also quite obvious that if i’m hung up on a guy or bad stuff happens between me and a guy, i will not do well on either shelf exams, or more importantly, the step 2 exams coming up next summer.  so God gave me this time to focus on school during this critical period, and is also giving me space to figure out what i want to do with my life during these critical months as well.  so in many ways, it was a blessing in disguise – a hard lesson for sure, but perhaps necessary in some ways.  and in some ways i also think it’s easier to trust that God has a plan for me for the future, relationship-wise as well.  i’ve had a taste of what it’s like to be in complete harmony and trust with someone, but also have had that trust broken.  so i know now regardless of what happens, God’s choice is better.  if i’m single, it’s because that’s what i need at that time of my life and to serve God – and maybe i’m not cut out for being in a relationship anyway, as i know i tend to easily get lost in relationships, and would really only want to be in one that is Christ-centered for sure, from here on out.  if i do get in a relationship at some point down the road, whether that’s after he finally seeks after God and submits and repents and then reconciles with me, or whether it’s with someone completely different and unexpected, i’d want God to take the lead completely, as i have proven now to myself time and again that i cannot be trusted with making my own decision in that regard.  so yeah.  just grateful i have a church and church body who preaches the gospel with clarity and compassion, and that i have the support there and assurance when i’m going the right direction.

in completely other news, have also been watching behind-the-scenes and interviews of HSM, and random thought of the day is: … i think it would be really nice if (if i eventually do get married :P) my husband-to-be and i could do our first dance as a waltz to HSM3’s “Can I have This Dance.”  It’s such a sweet, romantic song.  even better would be if everyone could join it.  i’ve always wanted to be part of a ball, with everyone waltzing around in a circle.  how beautiful would that be?

along those lines actually, i wonder if it it would be weird to just forego most of the free dancing and just have basically a dance lesson – ballroom, swing, hip hop, maybe some of the irish (?) folk dancing rebecca had at her wedding.  and maybe just end the night with us all learning the moves to one of the ending songs of HSM (“We’re all in this together” or “All for one” or even “High School Musical”, even though we’re not graduating from high school lol…).  i think that would be perfect.  i just don’t know if all the guests would be up for joining in, which would suck if everyone just sat there like lumps and no one came out to the dance floor :\  i guess i should make that a part of the wedding invite that by coming, they’re all agreeing to be part of the dancing festivities… XDDD i don’t know. but that would be super fun.  i hope whoever my husband-to-be is can dance… or is at least game for learning XD.

dang. i really want to dance now. gah! XD T_____T.