i’m confused. how does time pass so quickly when i’m in my place during the day, and so slowly when i’m in lab??  when i waste the day away at my place, it seems like the hours suddenly jump from 10am to 1pm to 4-5pm, and suddenly it’s already 8 or 9pm and the day’s done. whereas today i went to a meeting at 10am, and i feel like i’ve done nothing much for the entire day either other than answer some e-mails and put up a very bare-bones outline of a manuscript and chatted with people, but it’s only 2:30pm, it’s still light out, and my brain is actually still functioning.  maybe my place just induces depression since i spent so much of my time there being depressed (considering when i finally started living there proper was after my break-up with my ex and it took me years to get out of that, and then since basically all of research life has been depressing, there’s that too). or maybe, like i thought about the other time, maybe my place is just not set up well for doing work, with the desk being so small and the chair not fitting right and the lighting not ideal. hmm no idea.

anyway i’ve been talking to people more the last couple of days during this nostalgia trip. and… it’s actually be rather refreshing. maybe that’s really all i needed – to be reminded that i do have friends to either listen or who are willing to talk to me, and that there are people who enjoy my company and can make me laugh and such.  even just reading through old conversations with people can crack me up (or, in today’s case, also bring me to tears through powerful prayers).  maybe i should go online more with my old gmail account, or stop being invisible online. don’t know if that would actually cause people to talk more, but who knows.  (also i apparently don’t have a lot of contacts in either of my gmails… weird.  and both short lists contain both exes, which i kinda forgot about @__@. *time to hide them lol*).

i wonder why some people are so much easier to get along with… or is it just that my expectations of people when either in a close friendship or in a relationship are too high? hm.

ok i think i’ve gotten too distracted to finish this post in musing, but maybe that’s a good thing. part having people to talk to, and part having work to do, for once.

today (and somewhat yesterday, to be honest), has been a trip down memory lane.  watching old videos, looking through old pictures… there’s actually quite a lot of things i’ve forgotten apparently 0.o like i found a whole swatch of pictures today that i was like wait, did these ever go on fb even?? i don’t remember this! then i went on fb and sure enough, they’re there o.0  and also some that friends gave me during the same time period, which of course were never put up since they weren’t from my camera.  but yeah. i’d forgotten that another thing that had made that year off in socal great was getting to meet the guys at UCLA (who actually basically all went to berkeley too, though i didn’t know them then lol). i also didn’t quite realize back then how many pictures i always happened to end up next to a certain friend until looking back on these.  no wonder it hurt so much when he basically completely ignored me and blocked me out last time we saw each other. it’s such a dramatic change. was i really that bad the last time we met before that or something? (which happened to be when i introduced his gf to him)? sigh. is it sad that when i watched through their old vids, i still smile when i see him be his dorky self and i still laugh a lot when he does in the vids? (i can’t tell if it’s because i’m laughing at him or b/c maybe we just find the same thing hilarious… i don’t know lol).  sigh. in watching these, i’m reminded how much i genuinely liked being with (aka around) him, before all this.  and in looking at the pictures, i think we were genuinely fond of each other. but that was 6-7 years ago now, and i guess something’s changed, at least on his end. :\

of course, it could just be the age old thing where, once someone gets to really know me – my insecurities, doubts, criticisms, etc, then they don’t want anything to do with me. i guess i’m good at being a nice (albeit awkward/dorky) person, so if people can tolerate or find the awkwardness amusing, they are generally cool having me around until i start talking about my true feelings about things if they clash with another person’s, or if i show that something someone does upsets me.

huh. now that i think of it… i wonder if that’s why i’m so nice to people. maybe it was a survival mechanism learned at a very young age that people would only pay attention and be nice to me if i was nice to them. that’s a pretty depressing thought.

anyway, most of this trip down nostalgia lane was brought on by because of a pretty insensitive response to a question i had to someone i’ve been talking to, and it’s really been a turn-off. i don’t think he even realizes yet that my radio silence is a warning sign that he messed up. i mean, it should be a pretty clear signal since i pretty much message him with a barrage of stuff daily, so the fact that it’s been two days without anything should be an obvious sign something’s wrong. but he has yet to say anything, and as the days go by, my interest is rapidly waning.  especially as i look through these old photos and videos and realize that there actually are/were a lot of guys in my life who’ve i’ve liked and admired for different things – who i got along with well and well… maybe they weren’t the best at listening per se, and they probably wouldn’t have been able to handle my insecurities and such either, but they did care for me in their own way.

It’s actually really weird how quickly it feels like that part of my life was another time, and how easy it is to forget how i felt about him. it’s probably the long distance… or maybe just the build-up of realization that we basically have nothing in common except love of martial arts, a physical connection, and communication, and so if we don’t even have the 3rd part anymore (and the 2nd part shouldn’t have happened and obviously isn’t happening with long distance), then well… that’s pretty much it, isn’t it?  especially since he still didn’t confirm whether he was really over the other girl or not, which to me is a big red flag. it’s only been 2 days but it’s like my feelings have died pretty much overnight, and the only thing left is just indignation at how he handled it, but if we end up just never talking or seeing each other again, i’d be ok with it. which is kind of scary in a sense – have i become numb to stuff? is this what it means to just have a fling? i want to think our relationship meant more than that… but it was a strange situation to begin with.

also … blah. just went through all our old messages and stuff with my other friend since the time i introduced his gf to him and now to see what could possibly have changed between then and the wedding we last saw each other at, but i can’t see a single thing that happened except MAYBE one message that was me being all depressed at not having friends and telling him i missed being able to talk to him, but i also sent a message last year when i saw it apologizing for that (if he even saw it) so i don’t know what’s going on.  it seemed like we were actually on ok terms w/ the last conversation we had prior to that, which was about 2-3 years ago (our average talking is like once every year or so lol) so yeah i really have no idea T__T. poop. oh well. :\

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

edit: well maybe this is why i’m not feeling much about the guy i’ve been talking to.  maybe i’ve come to realize this same thing one of my friends posted about on FB just today, because it resonated a lot with how i’ve been feeling/what i’ve decided to do from here on out (curse word edited):

“I like to believe and see people for the potential and good any one person can be. But if you f*** with me, physically, emotionally or mentally, i lose an immense amount of respect and feeling for you. And I simply will weed you out of my life. All you’re gonna get is cordiality and you no longer can see into the depths of my soul.

#IChooseMe

LOL it’s funny how things are so cyclical.  so yesterday i recorded some stuff and then thought of when we sang back in socal for fun with jason mraz’s “i’m yours”, and i figured i might as well sing and record that just to see whether i’ve improved at all since the last time i tried that on a whim… which apparently was 2/21/14.  Literally a day before, 3 years ago.  So apparently it’s always around this time of year when I think about trying to sing and record stuff. XP  The good news is I do think I’ve improved some lol, though it may also just be because after yesterday’s singing/practice, my voice is pretty husky today so it sounds better maybe lol.

also went and found our old videos and figured out how to download them from Facebook so yay XD.  they made me smile a lot, even though it’s kind of sad seeing how even just within that group, so much has changed over these last 7 years.  for some reason that i don’t know, b and i aren’t really talking anymore, and w and d had a falling out, and none of us really see j anymore (though that’s more a function of distance than any falling out or anything).

sigh. college and the year after college really were the best times. everything has kinda just gone downhill from there.

well i think other than “yes”, that was the worst (and in a way, maybe best) response he could have given. now i know where he stands on that, and also where we stand in relation to that. and funnily enough, praise God for letting me actually be… surprisingly not emotional about it.  i’m actually pretty ok with dropping it i think. and dropping any more emotional investment/ties into this friendship/relationship. if there’s no more follow-up on this then i think we’re done. maybe i’ll feel sad about it at some point later, but right now, i am strangely at peace.

i also tried to sing “We Know The Way” for like an hour or so today and recorded it. it’s the only song that’s kind of in my range enough that i can belt apparently. i really feel sorry for my neighbors though… and i think i’ve sort of lost my voice lol. T__T.  and then i listened/tried singing along to let it go, and that was great. it’s such an empowering and appropriate song. i’d forgotten how go it feels to listen to it. no wonder the sing along vid has over 1 BILLion views. craziness.

i think i’ll go plunk on the piano some to end this day of music-fest lol. and hopefully with these last emotional ties out of the way, i’ll actually be able to concentrate on work tomorrow! yay 🙂 bye!

what a world we’re living in today

how weird is it that the most unbiased news/facts we’re getting is through comedy shows like john oliver, or the daily show, or stephen colbert?

at the same time, technology and social media has gotten so crazy that we can guesstimate crowd sizes by satellite imagery, people could find a picture of trump via twitter and other social media in <24 hours (and people have also found sexual predators the same way), and we were able to organize simultaneous women’s marches across all 7 continents on the same day to protest all the anti-women (and other) sentiment the new president and his admin represent.

we’re living in a world where a (i’m pretty convinced could be medically diagnosed from the DSM-IV) narcissistic personality disordered person has somehow been elected president of the US and within the first week has already demonstrated his instability and danger not only to americans, but the rest of the world, as we had suspected, and is causing some further polarization… and yet probably largely because of it, we have also seen more unity across the nation, and even parts of the world, to work in opposition to that. people who never even wanted to be involved in politics (other scientists and myself included) are now speaking out and starting to run for office, and my both my FB newsfeeds has transformed towards a large political debate and personal stories that speak to how these policies are affecting peoples lives. it’s kind of cool actually to see how passionate my generation is.  (also interesting is how one FB tends to mostly be one say and the other tends to go the other way.  one FB also predominantly is white and from AL, and tends to be on the side of less education, while the other is from all over (though mainly west coast and now some AL) but mostly minorities and with higher education. it probably isn’t hard to guess which is which. -.-||)

some part of me actually wonders… maybe this was part of God’s plan all along.  It’s said that God puts rulers in their place (and of course, can also remove them), so maybe the reason Trump was allowed to power was so that there could be radicalized change that would not have happened under Hillary (and the whole DNC thing with Sanders was maybe another stepping stone towards this movement).  maybe this is the stimulus for revolution that was needed, and we can expose the dangers of an increasingly capitalistic, self-centered way of thinking through the actions of a man who is the epitome of a narcissistic personality disorder in the seat of one with one of the highest positions in the nation/world. the damage and turmoil he is causing within 1 week of his presidency should show that this is not the path for america, and not the path for the world to take. so it is my hope that either he will repent and truly turn to Christ (though I, as a sinner, feel kind of awkward saying that as it sounds sort of as if i’m more righteous…) or that God, through all of this, is actually using him to turn the nation back towards Him.

^.^

ok so this is probably a silly thing to get kinda giddy about, but i just e-mailed a PI who came to visit our institution yesterday as a speaker for our seminar, and at the lunch after, when we were discussing his research, i brought up the idea of fructose priming maybe being the cause of why fructose in the breast milk was associated with increased infant obesity. he seemed interested in the idea at the time, especially relating to a study he had pointed out on fructose and adipogenesis during his talk, so i went ahead and looked up that paper today (out of interest myself as well to read those findings, as it had been in my notes to look up later anyway), and e-mailed him about it.

he responded pretty quickly and ended the correspondence with: “So glad you brought this idea to my attention and will pursue this with more thought and add it to our paper. THANKS!!”

first off, it’s pretty freaking awesome that a PI, especially one who is pretty well established (apparently he has been involved in ~300 papers) is even responding to a random thought from a grad student.  but with his e-mail, it sounds like he really valued that input, and that it might even appear in his paper, which is really cool! it makes me feel like i’ve made a small contribution to science ^.^ and also that my thoughts/analytical/synthesis skills are valuable, which i guess actually is a rather encouraging feeling, especially coming from a scientist.  i feel like i don’t get that … respect?… a lot, especially among peers, at least in the scientific community, so that was nice.

as a side note, it was pretty awesome also to get a “THANKS!!” in all caps and not just one, but TWO exclamation points.  that almost NEVER happens, especially with well-known (male) PI’s I feel like. or maybe i just haven’t made people that happy/excited with my e-mails in the past enough XP but yeah. pretty happy right now, even though it was something small haha. ^.^ thank you for the encouragement dr. g!

finally got rid of a ton of windows/tabs!

that sounds like such a dumb title, but it actually was quite a huge accomplishment XP I got from 4 windows in my lab computer down to one, and one that only has like 10 tabs only!!! starting from 4 windows with like 10-20+ tabs open each, that felt pretty darn good. 😄  to be fair, one group of windows seemed to be a weird duplicate of another o.0 so that was nice to get rid of a bunch at once.

also got my horn fixed! temporarily. but unfortunately i think they may have messed something bad with the airbag that was in the same area b/c the srs light is on now so need to bring it back >.<  and they may have tightened the belts too tight :\ but yeah.

anyway just really happy about the tabs haha. 😀

SUBMITTED!!!

FREAKING FINALLY submitted the freaking manuscript after literally putting the pdf together, reading to double check, finding typos, and rinse/repeat at least 8 times or so.  and that’s after about 6-7 hrs of finalizing wording and formatting and everything else today.  WHOO HOOO~!

also technology man. i was kind of worried b/c i didn’t have a scanner and stuff, but what do you know? acrobat now has something where you can upload your signature from a file! and so i was able to sign a notepad here, take a photo with my cell phone, up the exposure in photoshop to get rid of the yellow-ish tint from the background from my lights, and then voila! a signed pdf! super cool!

ok i think i’m just high/hyper off the adrenaline rush from submitting. but man, you don’t know what a freaking relief it is.

WHOOP WHOOP!

very disoriented by the weather today – i keep thinking it’s nighttime b/c it’s so dark outside, but it’s really just stormy weather (when it was 2pm i totally thought it should be around dinnertime lol).  it may also be because i’m actually working and being productive for once, and time simultaneously flies by and is really slow so i can’t figure out what’s going on lol.

church was also really great, but also a little disorienting b/c they changed how the seating is arranged so that we all now face a corner to accomodate about 100 more seats, which is awesome! but also disorienting haha.

also finally, also re-weirded out by the fact that i seem so relatively unconcerned about the guy situation. like, i feel like it’s back to friends level, so that if we end up not talking every day it would be fine, and he’s just like a normal friend now, almost. i would miss talking somewhat i think, but not that much. am i just not really emotional anymore, or is it because God is helping me with this situation by helping me be less attached and more clear-headed about how despite some of our close similarities in some aspects, we’re so different in others?  i’ve been praying about it more recently, and maybe this is the answer. also… i think part of it is that i really really just want to be pursued or in a godly relationship where God is glorified through my relationship. looking at my track record, i’ve done an extremely poor job in picking partners, and i have yet to experience any guy who is Christ-centered being interested in me. i’m not sure if this a result of not being that close with people at any of the churches i’ve been a part of, or what, but really, someday i hope for that.  one of the guys i met at shocco last year who i really liked (personality-wise and because of his zeal for God) just got into a relationship yesterday (or at least it was announced on FB yesterday) and it was a little bittersweet, but mostly really encouraging/inspiring, because the tag line to the picture was “He holds us together.”  like wow.  how amazing would it be to pursue God together with someone?

*sigh*  maybe i just need to be patient. or else go about my normal way and just be content in singleness (it really is much more 自由 that way).

anyway, trying to submit my manuscript today!  though there’s a tiny problem in that i don’t think my printer here works, and i think the scanner here does, but if not, then even if i go to lab to print out the letterhead, i won’t be able to scan it in to submit, which would mean i would have to wait until monday, which would suck -.-||. well wish me luck.  bye!

not gonna lie, it kind of bugs me that it’s so easy for people to perpetuate their own stereotypes/thoughts with the current media these days, given how biased reporting is.  this of course includes myself, as i know that if i’m ever so inclined to listen to daily news (which is not often) i have a tendency to watch things like the daily show, john oliver, and read stuff on fb newsfeed, which tends to mostly learn liberal, given my friend groups (though not always).  and of course i hate fox with a passion, but mainly because i feel like my IQ points are dropping every second i listen as they go on and on about things that don’t matter, like someone’s shoes or logic that doesn’t make sense.

anyways, why am i writing about this?  well, someone i work with mentioned she’d been periodically tuning into the inauguration today and i off-handedly mentioned that i was “boycotting” it (aka not watching it). little did i know what i would start lol.  but anyway, over the following discourse, it came out that 1) she didn’t seem to know about his nominees for positions, 2) she didn’t care that he lied about stuff because “hillary did it too” and she’d rather have the one who was “not a blatant liar” (… even though he blatantly lies too? i’m confused), 3) she didn’t care that much about concerns about climate change because “other countries don’t”, 4) she didn’t care about concerns from LGBT+ and racial groups about upticks in hate crime because “a president doesn’t have that much power, and [these anti-___ groups] always existed”, 5) “it’s not anything worse than locker room talk” and “i bet a lot of girls do chase after guys with money” and thought most of the lawsuits on sexual harrassment were lies,  6) it’s ok that that majority of trump’s foundation mostly benefits him directly because clinton’s foundation has used a small portion of the money for things it probably shouldn’t have and “all businessmen/politicians do that” (even though they are on such different scales they shouldn’t really even be compared), 7) that it’s ok that he’s calling out news stations for being “false news” just because people don’t agree with him because “there IS a lot of false news out there”… and 7) she had no idea about the entire issue about trump not releasing tax returns (or that all previous presidential candidates had – she even looked up hillary’s b/c she was skeptical) and did not seem to know how not all of his agency nominees undertook the ethics agreements (nor how they did not seem qualified for the jobs), or how he is the only president who is not putting his investments into a blind trust.

all of the above is pretty bad, but i think it was the last one that got me the most in a way, simply because that is such a HUGE thing that was brought up by the left, in the same way hillary’s e-mails were hounded upon by the right, and the fact that she knew one and was super vocal about it and didn’t know the other is quite astonishing.

bleh i have a lot more i want to say about this but not the brainpower to continue right now. (partly b/c i’ve just finished eating dinner and am way too full, and partly b/c i need to get back to working on my paper lol).

on the other hand, the kind of hilarious part about all this is that later, after our discussion, she admitted that the main reason she was watching the inauguration was b/c she was half-expecting someone to try to assassinate him LOL. (not LOL about any bodily harm coming to anyone b/c i don’t condone using violence to solve issues, just that after such a heated exchanged, it’s kind of funny that the whole reason this discussion started was actually b/c of that reason. -.-||)