i don’t even know why i was feeling this way, but for some reason, today i finally felt completely free. free from all past hurts, especially those relating to him, and just light-hearted and happy. or maybe joy is a better word. peaceful joy and contentment, knowing who i am and accepting all of myself, as God accepts me as His child. knowing that i am worthy of love and respect, that i have value, because I too am created in God’s image, and His son’s sacrifice covers me. and i guess just feeling like i don’t need anyone else. God’s love covers me and is amazing. He is indeed enough.
it was like something inside me broke, or lifted. and suddenly everything was lighter. that all sort of happened about a week ago, when i posted about it. but i think (and i do have to thank him for at least doing this much), it helped that i knew he read what i wrote. i had actually been trying to contact him day and night the last 2-3 days to see if we could video chat one last time because i didn’t want to leave things in the sad-angry/(what i believe to be) feigned indifference that it was in and wanted to talk. but he kept ignoring my texts and calls (i could see that he read them), and finally i was like well, again, i tried my best, and i don’t have time for this anymore. so i’ll respect your right to privacy and respect myself by not going down this road again and i’ll stop. but i also better explained where i was at, what i went through because of his actions, and ended i think on a very kind, loving way. there are only two concepts i didn’t cover because it probably doesn’t matter now and would make it too long (i was afraid he wouldn’t read it as it was, and i’d also spent quite a lot of time whittling it down to help it be more likely for him to read) – it would only come up if we ever started talking seriously again. but i asked him through a different msging system to at least please read them, even if he didn’t answer. he actually did respond for the first time in days to that one and said he would, and i saw they were all marked “read” this morning. i think that actually really helped solidify the closure in my mind of this chapter. God had already helped me be in a better place emotionally last week, but now both my mind and my heart feels like i’ve done my part and now i can move on both mentally and spiritually from this place. (i also did end up crying while writing one of the parts yesterday, and i fully admitted my vulnerabilities and got at the heart of why it was so painful. but that too, i think was cathartic).
i was in such a happy/energetic mood today that after i showered, i actually went ahead and did laundry and actually made a full meal! and it’s DELICIOUS! i’m so happy – haven’t had good solid food in quite some time ^.^ today is seriously awesome. and i even get to sleep in again (“sleeping in” being like getting up around 5:30am XD T__T) because we didn’t have that many people come in today, so maybe i’ll actually get some stuff done tonight as well!
you know what’s also kind of funny about this day? well, back in elementary school, i’d always end up being either number 20 or number 17, so i kind of identified with/liked those numbers in the back of my mind for a while. (it was not until much much later that i realized that’s because well… that’s about where my name fell in the alphabet in our classes LOL). well what do you know? today’s the 20th, of 2017. and 9 is a “full” number in chinese culture – a number of completeness, because it’s the biggest before restarting with the next set of numbers. so all together, today’s date suggests a very auspicious day in many ways for me. ^.^ and now that i’ve actually gone through and talked about the numbers, maybe i’ll remember this day for years to come XD
seriously though, this is the happiest, lightest, and free-est (and oddly stress-free though there’s so much stuff on my to-do list?!) that i’ve felt for many many years. maybe even ever since coming here. praise God above for his love, mercy, and peace that transcends all understanding. because given everything that happened/is happening, i know that there is no way any of what i’m feeling now could have come from myself. all glory be to God!