ah, *sigh*.  it’s always bittersweet when this happens.  another goodbye is on the horizon. and i know it’s not truly a goodbye, not in the sense that we won’t see or talk to each other again.  but it does feel like i’m going to lose another good friend.  just found out he is probably pretty serious about pursuing this girl, and she seems really good for him.  so i’m really happy he’s finally happy and that from what i can tell so far, she seems like a nice, good girl, so i’m glad about that.  🙂  she seems loads better than the last choice he made anyway.  but it does feel a little lonely.  and more so probably because he’s the closest thing i have to a childhood friend and someone who i’ve always thought would be part of my life, maybe even as a life partner in some way.  and maybe we still will be in a sense, but… it’s just feels different, and my gut feeling is that this is the beginning of the end, at least for that.  we won’t be able to catch up as much anymore (not that we did it all that often anyway, but it was nice to have someone i knew i could count on who would enjoy talking.  now most of his time is with her so he’s tired by the time we get to :\) ah well. that’s as it should be, given the circumstances. *sigh*  well, i’m glad he’s happy.

blah just got the text that i need to get up early tomorrow and that our list doubled over the weekend. poop.  and didn’t get much done over the weekend (actually none really) >.< and won’t have a free weekend for a couple weeks and need to really start studying for the shelf. blahhh.

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huh. the ending (and beginning) of Last Game is actually different than Extra Game (the manga version).  i think i may actually like Last Game’s more actually in some ways, but maybe i’m biased since i watched it first? 0.o  the rest of the game was quite accurate to the manga though, so props to them on that.  (also still love the music).

on another note, it’s kind of nice to have friends around as neighbors ^.^ yesterday i had some extra loukoumades from the greek festival so i texted ppl in my complex and went around to give them out.  one refused because she was already making cookies, which she ended up giving me later, and another happened to have extra chinese food b/c someone else didn’t want their takeout order anymore or something, so he gave me some in exchange for the donuts, and yeah. free food is the best food ^.^ they were all good too haha.  eating leftovers from the greek festival and those for lunch and dinner (and sprucing them up with other stuff).

didn’t get much done yesterday (or today yet thus far T__T) but did get that socializing done i guess haha XP.  also church was good this morning, and praise God that my violin was awake and i was actually able to play pretty decently i felt 🙂  also been having kind of long/heated discussions with sasuke lately about his lifestyle, and i think he’s getting offended but honestly i don’t think the way he’s living is in accordance to what the Bible says, so :\ we’ll see how things play out i guess.

Last Game

WAHHHH~!!! it finally came out (yesterday) and it was really good! satisfying, and that ending T___T the feels! T_____T. *tears*.  it was awesome that there was character development even through just the movie. and i miss the kuroko characters/universe so much.  wahhhhh~!

also freaking mashima keeps posting very clear Jerza pics on his twitter, and it’s like GAH WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE IT CLEAR CUT CANON IN THE MANGA BEFORE IT ENDED THEN ALSDFJALWERIHLWEHIRALWEHI!!! but anyway the pictures are really cute too, and simultaneously makes me happy/hopeful for the future to find love like that, and also kind of sad/wistful that i had it briefly but it didn’t work out.  but anyway. i’m glad they’re happy together, even if it’s not technically canon XP. that last one he posted like 2 days ago is such a beautiful picture – they are gazing into each other’s eyes with such adoration in each other’s arms. *sigh*.  someday, maybe i’ll be that lucky.

anyway i guess that means i’m back on an anime kick… yesterday the movie for black butler also came out, which i watched.  very different than kuroko’s movie in tone obviously (also i totally called that the opening was like Titanic, and subsequently a lot of it referenced the titanic movie – it was basically like an supernatural alternate reality events of what transpired of the Titanic based on the James Cameron movie XDDD… plus zombies and shinigamis and all that jazz lol.  at least lizzy finally showed her strong side/was much less annoying for a few nice minutes.

getting back on an anime kick is bad for my schooling though.. XP but luckily all the stuff coming out are movies, rather than a whole series, and the only ones i’m interested in will be coming out in Oct (shokugeki) and Dec (miraculous ladybug), and only weekly, (like boku no hero academia, which i’m also following).  and i may well decide i’d prefer to marathon both of the above, so maybe it won’t affect stuff at all, at least for a while.

OOH also season 3 of fairy tail is coming out!!! that should be pretty awesome too, i hope. i really hope mashima continues the universe or spin offs or something at some point.  it was left pretty open-ended after all… T__T.

anyway i’m glad the kuroko movie was good. and it ended in a good way. kind of sad, but also uplifting and hopeful.  i like those kinds of endings, where you know it’s the end of an era, but you know they all hold each other in their hearts, and you can imagine that they’ll all meet again someday, because though it’s an end to this chapter of their lives, it’s not the end of their friendship.  *sigh*  the feels.  thank you Fujimaki, for a great run, and to the animators and voice actors and everyone who made this show come to life, which such wonderful and memorable characters. ^.^ (lol a bit sad that i had to actually look up the artist because for once i’m a super fan of an anime/manga, but watched the anime only for the entirety of the show ^.^||.  oh wait, i did that w/ FMA too. but i guess i’m not as crazy a fan about it haha).

today was SUCH a good day! ^.^

i don’t even know why i was feeling this way, but for some reason, today i finally felt completely free.  free from all past hurts, especially those relating to him, and just light-hearted and happy.  or maybe joy is a better word. peaceful joy and contentment, knowing who i am and accepting all of myself, as God accepts me as His child.  knowing that i am worthy of love and respect, that i have value, because I too am created in God’s image, and His son’s sacrifice covers me.  and i guess just feeling like i don’t need anyone else.  God’s love covers me and is amazing.  He is indeed enough.

it was like something inside me broke, or lifted. and suddenly everything was lighter.  that all sort of happened about a week ago, when i posted about it.  but i think (and i do have to thank him for at least doing this much), it helped that i knew he read what i wrote.  i had actually been trying to contact him day and night the last 2-3 days to see if we could video chat one last time because i didn’t want to leave things in the sad-angry/(what i believe to be) feigned indifference that it was in and wanted to talk.  but he kept ignoring my texts and calls (i could see that he read them), and finally i was like well, again, i tried my best, and i don’t have time for this anymore.  so i’ll respect your right to privacy and respect myself by not going down this road again and i’ll stop.  but i also better explained where i was at, what i went through because of his actions, and ended i think on a very kind, loving way.  there are only two concepts i didn’t cover because it probably doesn’t matter now and would make it too long (i was afraid he wouldn’t read it as it was, and i’d also spent quite a lot of time whittling it down to help it be more likely for him to read) – it would only come up if we ever started talking seriously again.  but i asked him through a different msging system to at least please read them, even if he didn’t answer. he actually did respond for the first time in days to that one and said he would, and i saw they were all marked “read” this morning.  i think that actually really helped solidify the closure in my mind of this chapter.  God had already helped me be in a better place emotionally last week, but now both my mind and my heart feels like i’ve done my part and now i can move on both mentally and spiritually from this place.  (i also did end up crying while writing one of the parts yesterday, and i fully admitted my vulnerabilities and got at the heart of why it was so painful. but that too, i think was cathartic).

i was in such a happy/energetic mood today that after i showered, i actually went ahead and did laundry and actually made a full meal! and it’s DELICIOUS! i’m so happy – haven’t had good solid food in quite some time ^.^  today is seriously awesome.  and i even get to sleep in again (“sleeping in” being like getting up around 5:30am XD T__T) because we didn’t have that many people come in today, so maybe i’ll actually get some stuff done tonight as well!

you know what’s also kind of funny about this day?  well, back in elementary school, i’d always end up being either number 20 or number 17, so i kind of identified with/liked those numbers in the back of my mind for a while.  (it was not until much much later that i realized that’s because well… that’s about where my name fell in the alphabet in our classes LOL). well what do you know?  today’s the 20th, of 2017.  and 9 is a “full” number in chinese culture – a number of completeness, because it’s the biggest before restarting with the next set of numbers.  so all together, today’s date suggests a very auspicious day in many ways for me.  ^.^ and now that i’ve actually gone through and talked about the numbers, maybe i’ll remember this day for years to come XD

seriously though, this is the happiest, lightest, and free-est (and oddly stress-free though there’s so much stuff on my to-do list?!) that i’ve felt for many many years. maybe even ever since coming here.  praise God above for his love, mercy, and peace that transcends all understanding.  because given everything that happened/is happening, i know that there is no way any of what i’m feeling now could have come from myself.  all glory be to God!

 

 

 

it’s been day 2 of good days

today and yesterday has been pretty awesome, at least from an emotional standpoint.  for some reason, i felt an explicable sense of peace and happiness starting from yesterday morning, or possibly even the previous night, when i saw that he’d read my messages before going to bed (the ones that told him to please either step up and take responsibility or just forget i exist, because anything else just hurts me more).  maybe he really did follow through and delete me after, and i was feeling the relief of finally breaking free of that “soul tie.”  or maybe it was just the utter mercy of God and answered prayer, that i can finally have the “peace that transcends all understanding” about this situation.  or both.  regardless, it’s been 2 days where i’ve finally felt extremely lighter, where i feel like life has so much potential, and can greet the day with a smile.  i’d almost forgotten what it was like to feel completely free of feeling the weight of being bonded to someone else.  even though for a while, he was more on the back of my mind than the forefront, there were always reminders, and slips and falls.  but right now my mind feels clear and my heart feels light.

i will admit that i have been checking my phone rather more than necessary because i did send him two more fairly long texts last night/early this morning and i do hope that he can read them, to know that i forgive him and that i’m moving on, and still wish him the best.  but if he’s deleted me on the app already then he won’t see them, so i wonder if i should email them as well.  i guess i’ll give it one more day, and if it’s not read by the end of the day tomorrow, i’ll e-mail the contents and delete the app and it’ll just be up to him whether he reads the e-mail or not, but i’ll know that he at least will have received the e-mail.  just as final closure, so he knows it’s not in a place of anger or sadness, but that i’m moving on in peace and love, which hopefully is something that may help influence him to seek the Lord at some point in his life too.

anyway, i’m glad it happened now. just in time to enjoy the party tomorrow, and to start gearing up to finish my papers and start studying for the surgery shelf.  and i’ve got really good friends – it was definitely helpful to talk with evan the day before the peace, and it happened to be takeo’s b-day today, and talking with him is always calming, which is nice. 🙂

it’s been an interesting weekend.  been feeling kind of odd lately, and though i’d gotten to the point where i barely even thought of him anymore, suddenly in the last couple days i’ve been missing/thinking of him a LOT again.  though if this twin flame thing is to be believed, a lot of this may actually be coming from him, and not me.  and i’ve felt a lot of heart flutters over the last couple of days randomly, which again might be him thinking of me. it’s pretty distracting >.<

anyway, the reason i say maybe it’s not coming from me is because well, at least today, i woke up, started thinking about him, prayed, and then felt actually pretty good about the day.  talked with mom some before church, and especially on the way to and from church, with the Christian songs on the radio, i was actually feeling pretty energetic about the day.  but then kept randomly feeling the heart flutters and stuff (even now… it’s happened twice already since i’ve started typing) accompanied by a kind of uncomfortable sense.  also randomly found the hair tie he’d lent me in a pocket earlier today (or was it yesterday?) which is interesting, because i’d lost it back in april, which, as i later found out, was when the stuff went down w/ the other girl. so i don’t know. random coincidences or no? we’ll see

anyway so we just had our church congregational meeting today about the potential new building we’re aiming for!  it’s pretty exciting, and the tentative plan if all goes well is that they’ll finish building by fall 2018, so it’ll just be finished right before i finish my time here (assuming i’ll be going elsewhere for residency).  which is pretty cool, since i was there from the start of our church in april 2012 (when they apparently had only 60 actual members) in the iron tribe gym, then when we grew too large and moved to Rosewood hall a couple years back, and then i’ll get to see it get its own established church building.  how God has blessed our church! i’m so grateful to have been with them through this journey.  CFC’s helped me so much, and i’ve grown so much through it.  may God continue to rain blessings down on the wonderful people and church at CFC 🙂

so. freaking. tired.  having to get up at 4am or earlier every day is kicking my butt.  and yet i still can’t make myself sleep at 8pm or earlier, which means that i’m getting <8 hrs of sleep per night (and actually more like 5-6 hrs on average, and one night i just could not fall asleep for the life of me.  probably b/c i napped around 5-6pm T__T).  anyway, slightly concerned b/c i have two papers that are currently sitting on me for revisions and i haven’t started studying for the shelf yet (again) and yeah T__T.  was supposed to get those papers done last weekend, but ended up just basically taking all (3!) days to lounge around and do nothing, except some chores, and being obsessed with miraculous ladybug. really.  like, that show has spawned days of me figuring out the part on piano (basic chord and melody) and recording it, then the next day recording it faster b/c i realized i’d slowed it down too much the previous day, then freaking writing my own English translation to the French version of the song, singing and recording it (it’s terrible btw lol… my singing, not the lyrics, though those aren’t great either lol) and then finally learning the words in French and singing/recording that too.  and also rewatching most of the episodes in French, and then, after discovering that there are better translations than what Netflix has, watching the ones i could find w/ the better subs again just to get the full experience.

i have problems.  T__T.  but at the same time, maybe it was necessary.  maybe that’s my way of re-charging, or at least surviving.  being creative, or being whisked to new worlds.  someday, i hope i can create a universe like that for others to be able to escape into as well, for a short period of time.

also kind of sad that mundane chores are now something that is seen/felt as an actual accomplishment T__T.  though i guess that was kind of the case during the depressing PhD years as well LOL. but even talking with residents on their day off, that’s literally what they all say as well – “i ran some errands/did some chores” is what the usual answer is when asking them what they did.  and getting some rest obviously.  it’s gonna be a long few years… lol.

also had a second almost-hypoglycemic episode earlier this week – i think on Tues, or maybe yesterday… the days are all blurring together now, due to the aforementioned lack of sleep.  but yeah, so probably not cut out for surgery, simply from a physical standpoint, before even talking about the other reasons lol.

had to practice suturing today since a resident told me to for tomorrow.  luckily, i’d bought some pig belly meat over the weekend for the occasion just in case.  though when i got it out today, the raw pork smelled quite bad… not sure if it’s because it went bad and/or got oxidized, or because the smell was too close to the smell of cauterized human flesh (which i have been smelling quite too often lately thanks to being on surgery >.<).  rather turns the stomach >.<.  i did end up cooking a chunk of it though just to test it out, and it smelled good/normal after sauteeing, so maybe it’s ok…?