just put in my last plate for the night and as i was putting the last batch of diluted samples away, i noticed i had had exactly 81 samples… which fit perfectly into the 9×9 box i had chosen to store the samples in today. ¬†the perfectionist/ocdp/whatever you want to call it in me was quite pleased.

it’s the little things.ūüėõ

there’s a kind of deep loneliness that occurs when you realize no one really supports anything you’re doing. and no one ever really has.

i’m not talking about the kind of “support” you get when people treat what you’re doing as “cute” or a novelty – where they kind of condescendingly or confusedly look at what you’re doing and give a little *pat pat* type of encouragement. like saying “oh, that’s really cool!” while inwardly wondering why anyone is doing that at this time/age, or just plain thinking it’s weird, or that you’re not good enough, or that it’s a pipe dream that wouldn’t actually work out. ¬†i mean the type of whole-hearted support where people actually believe in you and your work, where people truly see your potential and think you have a real shot at making it. where they actually want you to pursue your dreams and things you feel a calling for/find enjoyment in, and encourage you to keep going because they want you to be able to finally find success in whatever it is you want to do.

i guess there must have been a time when my mom supported me in that way when i was a kid, before my sibling was born. ¬†i’m told i used to be pretty fearless and apparently enjoyed singing and dancing and stuff based on some old videos we saw recently. ¬†i don’t remember any of that in my own memories, which makes sense, since most people don’t remember stuff before they were 3 or so (i really don’t remember much since before elementary school). but through those same videos fast forwarded a few years, i can also very clearly see how that was completely tamped down after i was no longer the only child, and in whatever i have of my memory, i can’t remember a single time where anything i’ve ever brought up as enjoying to my family has ever not been shot down, and not necessarily even through things i could control. ¬†things like, oh but people will not respect you much if you do that, or that’s a dangerous profession, or that won’t really be able to support you and your family, or that would take too much time away from your family, or you don’t have time for that. ¬†which sounds maybe not much now, but when that’s¬†all you hear, for¬†everything… then it’s a pretty discouraging thing.

huh. now that i think about it, i guess i’ve kind of just been forging my way myself for a very long time now. ¬†this whole thought process came about because for whatever reason, i was wondering when i would say the happiest time in my life was, and my immediate answer is 6th grade, followed by probably freshman year of college. ¬†and i started wondering why the college one (6th grade i’ve always known) and i think it’s because freshman year is where of course i made the most new friends who actually enjoyed the same stuff as me (my wushu friends in particular)… and i lost my other train of thought but maybe that’s because that’s mainly it. the fact that people around me enjoyed the same things and thus i could work hard at something because everyone else was working and helping each other in it as well. ¬†of course, even then, it was not something my parents approved of – me spending so much time with wushu instead of school, for example.

then, and even now, the only way they would somewhat grudgingly accept what i was doing was after they saw that i was somewhat respected or was accomplishing something in it. like cmat. they were like why do you always spend so much time on this? ¬†even when i was a director of it, they didn’t understand, until they actually came to the competition and saw the scope of what it entailed did they sort of get it and accept that it was a lot of work to put it together and not an easy feat. ¬†even now, anything i do, even freaking buying a piano for myself for my own enjoyment/stress relief was met with criticism because they were worried it’d take away from my school work. i’m like wow. do you¬†want me to go insane in this place where i already don’t really fit in and can’t find any semblance of stuff that i used to enjoy because this area has so little in way of cultural arts and education in that area? ¬†or if i talk about doing anything for fun, because you know, otherwise i’d just be completely depressed, then they get very concerned that i can’t handle it. it’s like do you not think i know exceedingly well how much work i need to do, and that i shouldn’t overstep with other stuff? ¬†yes i make seemingly non-nonsensical decisions to you sometimes, but as i’ve already told and proven over and over again in the past, this is what i need to do to survive.

and i’ve totally gone kind of onto my parents, but it’s definitely not just them. ¬†it’s obvious in the way that no one cares about anything i’m trying to do. people hang out all the time together, but when i invite people to stuff? literally no one shows up. everyone loves giving lip service to “oh let’s cosplay this together” or “ooh i want to hear you play” or “i love how you do xyz, let me know when you’re doing it next and we can do it together!” as if they really care about me or my work, but when push comes to shove and things are followed up… invites to shows, actually planning things…yeah, the total sum of people who are down to actually do anything = 0. ¬†same with just ideas and stuff that i’m interested in – policies, theories, etc.

so after a while, it’s just like well. i guess i’ll just have to do everything by myself. which gets depressing sometimes. and people wonder why i’m such a loner when i “seem so friendly.” well maybe it’s because i can’t trust or depend on anyone to actually have my back. because from friends to family, coworkers and even some faculty and even people from the various churches i’m involved in around here… there’s not a single person i can really count on for support – no one comes out to shows, no one has time to hang out, no one has time to eat, work together, etc. ¬†and not for lack of trying. so that’s pretty depressing.

which also explains why despite the craziness that has now become this weekend, i am still looking forward to going to atl. b/c somehow, even though¬†i’ve literally only met/known people for a few days a year from a retreat (and didn’t even really get a chance to talk to them much during that time), there are people there who are willing to meet up and hang out, much more so than the ppl at the chinese church here, which i actually helped out with quite a bit for a while. ¬†also strangely enough, none of my girls that i was a counselor for ever come out really for these things (despite the nice things they say in their cards), but it’s always the guys who are much more willing to not only come out but invite others along and seem happy to see me. ¬†… i guess that’s again another reason why i tend to feel closer to guys than girls… to me, it feels like (some) guys actually care about me as a person, whereas (for the most part), girls in general seem to only come out if other guys (or sometimes other girls) are going, so they seem to go for the other people if they come out at all, rather than for me. ¬†there are, of course exceptions, but so far, those are pretty far and few between.

ok i think i’m done with my emo-ness. mainly because i’m hungry now and i’m also debating whether to go pick up the last stuff i need for my cosplay now and come back to lab after, or to do that tomorrow… hm i think i’m too hungry though, so i think leaving and picking stuff up is going to take priority now haha XP (the place closes at 7pm). ¬†whew! ¬†that was 1400 words?! crazy! feeling a lot better getting all those rambling thoughts out thoughūüėĄ bye!

holy freaking goodness. ;laksdjf;laihet;laiwehr;lawehr;laiwehr

just found out i suddenly have a ton of stuff i need to prepare for that was unexpected b/c they just determined that there’s going to be a preliminary round for the competition i signed up for at the end of next month, and that’s going to be less than 2 weeks from now,¬†and¬†the final title needs to be submitted next monday. which doesn’t sound that bad, but actually is really bad when you expected to have 3-4 weeks to prep for something and so were planning other things in the meantime, and now suddenly you don’t have that time anymore. >.<!!!

so gonna have to request an extra lab meeting next next monday just to prep for the prelims i guess.

but yeah so now things that all of a sudden need to be done in like.. the next day or two:

  • finish all assays (today)
  • analyze data
  • write up data and results
  • prepare presentation for data and results for monday’s lab meeting
  • also prepare a practice slide and speech for the 3 min thesis competition and brainstorm tentative “interesting”¬†titles for the same meeting early in the morning… (this takes a lot longer than you’d think, at least for someone like me)
  • also still need to pick up some cosplay materials, still waiting on the wig, and still have stuff to sew and fix, and if the wig comes, that needs to be done as well
  • practice violin stuff for the con since we’re gonna try to do some stuff w/ that on sunday, which now i’m like dude, there’s no way i have time to do this…

… and yeah. if you add up all of that, basically, i need at least an extra 2 full days to be able to do all of that. ¬†so what’s basically going to happen is a half-done cosplay, a terrible performance thing on sunday, an attempt to do work over the weekend, which will fail, i won’t be able to finish the data analysis in time for the weekend/the meeting, and the 3 min presentation is going to be the worst because i won’t have had time to practice except for in my head maybe in the car if i’m not too zoned out from lack of sleep to even function. oh, and monday, i’ll be a zombie from the weekend and won’t even be coherent anyway. great.

before finding all this about the prelim stuff at the meeting just now, i was like, you know, i probably won’t be able to get all the results out, but at least i should be able to have something to talk about. ¬†but now? now i’m like wow. well then. ¬†everything’s just going to heck, and now literally none of the things i was trying to accomplish over the weekend is going to go well. ¬†thanks last-minute planning people. >.<

i know i know, it was hard for them to get a room apparently, and it’s their first year, and stuff happens. but it still sucks.

also got the official notice of being cast in a fan film yesterday, whoo~! it’s a pretty minor role but apparently they’re going to put it up on imdb (wut) so uh yeah. so that’s happening. lolol. another thing i’ll need to prep for, but luckily that one will happen after all this craziness w/ the competition stuff happens. ¬†(i doubt i’ll even make it through the prelims, which might actually be good so the day of the competition will be freed up). ¬†lolol that’s prob the wrong attitude to go into a competition w/, but w/e. it was mostly for the experience of speaking anyway, rather than trying to win.

probably tmi but…

for ONCE my time of the month actually spared an important day and came at a good time! well, as “good” as it can be having it period lol… pun not intended. ¬†but yeah, performed with the band for the first time in like over a year? yesterday and was wondering if i would have to worry about my new clothes getting stained or cramping in the middle or something if it came yesterday, but it ended up coming today, which is good also because it means by the time i head to AWA this weekend, it should mostly be over! ¬†hurrah~!

but yeah so the band performance was fun! well, i messed up a lot i feel… >.< but people still seemed to enjoy the performance, so that’s good…? ^.^|| also hilarious was when we did our stepping dance number, within like the very first hit or something, my watch clasp got undone, so i messed up a bit while I was thinking about whether to close it or take it off or leave it, and then i was just like oh heck, THE SHOW MUST GO ON! and just kept going w/ it flapping, concentrating desperately on not flinging it across the room. so basically “chicken wings”, as brandon said later when we watched a film clip of it LOL. T__T. ¬†it was fun doing the loop pedal sequence though! (even though i messed up still… T___T) – i couldn’t really tell from the audience at the time, but later, the guy from the group after us¬†said people were very “entertained” by it, so yay i guess haha. ¬†it was cool getting to talk to them – they were a very sweet married couple touring from LA, and they’ve been through a lot in terms of health issues and stuff. but she had such a sweet disposition despite that, and he was really nice too, and showed me his instruments and stuff.

also, i forgot the term “tremolo” for a good while, which shames me as a classical musician lol… T__T… i forgot what it was called when talking about it at practice a bit ago, and then couldn’t remember for a good while after she asked about it after our performances last night T__T. it finally came to me as i was talking to her husband for a while though. haha T__T. *fail*

anyways. finally scheduling for this weekend is coming together, so pretty excited about that ^.^ and i’m gonna get to work with some herbs this week as well. whoo~!

… i think i’m coming to the conclusion that it might be easier to work with people who are direct and somewhat “confrontational” in nature than people who are “non-confrontational” but are passive aggressive, or hand-wavy and seem easy-going but are actually very sensitive and take everything personally if you at all disagree with them on something. ¬†it’s like your neutral statement on an event or idea becomes an attack on their person or ideals, and it’s like whoa whoa slow the horses down sonny! where the heck did we veer off track that badly in such a short span of time??

or maybe i need to learn to temper my word choice a bit. ¬†that probably could help, though in some other occasions, i have had 3rd parties read the words used and they think it’s pretty neutral – i can tell you whatever i write is certainly more neutral than the opinions expressed to me that i am trying to represent at any rate lol. ¬†but anyway blah. this project has just been a series of FAIL over the last few years, almost to the point of wanting to give up on it, but it’s also like we put so much work into this it would be a shame for all of that to go to waste. and even in the occasions where i’ve had to wait for my own PI’s responses, he usually tells me to have an outline and stuff ready for him in advance to look at, rather than preventing progress simply because he doesn’t have time to look at it. -.-|| bleh.

whyyy is this so difficult. T__T

well this day has not gotten up to a good start.

dreamed that i was sobbing my heart out for hours b/c of things going on with my sister, so woke up feeling emotionally (and somewhat physically) exhausted as well.

then on the way to lab meeting, saw a text which indicated that stuff had hit the fan after an e-mail i sent out last night with an outline and tables for a new draft of our survey… apparently it was misinterpreted (again) and now the faculty person overseeing it is mad about i guess going over his head. ¬†(i have not read the e-mail yet since was in lab meeting this morning and didn’t want to ruin my ability to work lol). ¬†but yeah, so there’s another person pissed off at me in MSS. i can’t tell if they’re just too sensitive or if my word choice is just poor or what. ¬†anyway, hopefully getting advice from our director (who already advised the other group member what to do b/c they were pretty outraged on my behalf. ¬†haha actually to be honest, i’m pretty grateful that they are willing to take the heat for it – it’s true that the only reason i went ahead w/ it was because of them and the other team member (who probably wouldn’t have even bothered to have gotten involved if it weren’t for the first person) but as the lead person making the decision and sending the e-mail, i wouldn’t have expected anyone to fight on my behalf in this type of situation). so praise God that there’s at least one person on the team who is willing to do that, else i would have felt like a deja vu of the osr situation. ¬†it’s like… literally all i’m trying to do is the best thing for everyone. ¬†and yet somehow people are getting offended left and right, whether it’s because i try to go forward too much or try to wait on other people too much… there’s like no middle ground. ¬†and when you get people of both personality types in the same team… trying to navigate between them w/o offending someone is rather difficult.

i’m not sure what the solution is, especially since one of these people is the current faculty member who is supposed to be our mentor… maybe i should have just waited on it… but then i really couldn’t have if wanted to get that other paper out while citing this one since that deadline’s coming up… meh. i really don’t know how i could have handled it any better. hopefully if i get a chance to talk with our director, she’ll be able to provide some insight. ¬†in the meantime, i’m going to go dig a hole and just work on all the other e-mails i need to send/work i need to do. >.<


random thought of the day

is it weird that most of my “role models” or people who inspire me are people around my own age? ¬†i feel like i find inspiration from friends a lot, or like artists who are around my age… i think it’s partly because it’s inspiring to think about what is possible at my age… like hey, this person is up to this level in their art and they’re the same age (or even younger) than you! so you can totally strive to do something like this too! maybe. i dunno.

anyway since i finally got to try the electric violin with a loop pedal for the first time yesterday (and got to learn a little stepping! we’re doing both for the show on the 25th now apparently lol – so awesome how both of those desires finally came together after 6 years haha) i just decided to look up jason yang again, who was my first inspiration for the possibilities of an electric violin. he’s done so much cool stuff since then. but i still remember that first performance. now listening to it, it wasn’t as polished as some of his other stuff now especially (but that makes sense – of course he should have grown over the years) but i still remember my feeling of wow, he’s this age and doing shows like this. how cool would it be to do that someday. and now apparently he has a patreon and is working towards becoming a film composer! which i’ve always thought would be super cool to do. so it’s like this is how my trajectory could have gone if i went that route – living vicariously through him i guess in a way haha! but yeah, i think he’s pretty talented and i hope he makes it farūüôā

random thought of the day

if i had to watch an animal be killed in my stead, with its still fresh blood sprinkled onto me to cover my sin… would i think twice about engaging in sinful behavior?

or would it eventually become so routine that i would be desensitized to the whole process?

just saw a short vid about animal slaughter for meat, leather products, etc… and i had to turn my eyes away and a queasy feeling made me feel sick.:\ ¬†yet it probably won’t change my eating habits (well i rarely eat beef and such anyway, but still). ¬†but if i had to see it happen every time for me to get my meat? yeah probably, i would just abstain rather than see something suffer like that.


(electric violin) bow – acquired!

FINALLY!!! i’ve been wanting to play this freaking electric violin for AGES, but things kept happening – the bridge was dead so one string was shorted out and wouldn’t amplify so had to wait for that to come in (thank goodness they sent it in for free due to it being an outdated model or that would have been $300-400!!!), and then had to replace the battery, and then a string snapped so had to buy another set, and THEN the BOW freaking snapped, and so i’ve been somewhat searching for a bow for the last… year or so. today i finally bit the bullet and bought one.

to be honest, i was a little less than pleased about the way it was done b/c i was only given 1 bow to try, even when i asked if i could try others because i was told “the rest basically are so similar it’s not worth trying”, and it was not until i asked if there was one w/o the long awkward grip that i was given another, slightly more expensive one to try, and those were the only ones… luckily the balance was decent on them, but i would have much rather been allowed to try other ones. ¬†i’m more used to CA shops i guess, where you are just given a whole ton of them to try out at your leisure in some room. and CA shops also lend you violins and bows for a trial period so you can test it out before you buy – none of that was happening here. ¬†and it felt like it was kind of being pushed on me. ¬†so i was tempted to leave. some bow hairs were sticking out and everything ~.~|| but ultimately what decided me today was 1) time = $ after all, and i too often try to save $ by spending way too much time (like i’m currently doing w/ the go go cosplay lol…) and it’s already been a long time. ¬†i need to start realizing my time is worth more than my $, and this was an exercise in that. 2) my bandmate and i talked about me playing the electric and trying out the loop pedal on thurs, and while i could use my regular bow, i figured i might as well try getting a new bow for it before then, and 3) the bow’s not bad. it has decent balance, and a relatively warmer tone (albeit more muted) than the other bow, so it’s not too bad a deal. ¬†2nd and charles’s bows were either $50 or $100 (well they also came w/ a violin and case so that would have been a much better deal actually, but since all i wanted was the bow anyway, essentially, i’m assuming that cost is for the bow), and this one was between those so it was probably one of the cheapest deals i was gonna get, at least locally.

and really the crux of it was that i was tired. tired of running around and thinking about it and searching. i kinda just wanted it to be over. so despite my reluctance at being basically shoehorned into a purchase… if i think about it that way, i’m ok with how things turned out.

and now i finally have a ready-to-go electric violin in my arsenalūüėÄ. (really hope i’m not jinxing it right now!) can’t wait to try out the loop pedal! :DDD