of course, it’s times like these that i end up reflecting on random stuff. got a paper and a presentation due tomorrow that i’ve been putting off for way too long. or maybe putting off isn’t the most accurate term, as it implies that i’ve done nothing on it. it’s been ruminating in the back of my mind, like papers always have in the past. of course, a review paper being what it is, aka a “research paper” back in the day, one can’t really ruminate without gathering enough data to process. so i’ve done a little reading and a little processing, and gotten further today than usual, but still wasted a large amount of the day procrastinating, either through playing piano or napping, or whatever.
and now of course, something popped up on newsfeed from my ex’s mom, signaling his potential return to the area, as presumably he’s going to finish the rest of his clinicals here. so when i walked around to get my papers’ info from lab today, i couldn’t help looking at where his old condo used to be (very close to mine) and wondering if he would be occupying it again, or whether he and his mom decided to let him stay somewhere else. honestly, the latter option i think would be best, for both of us, as that way, i of course wouldn’t have to see him, and since he has another gf, i would assume he’d like to live closer to her, and also not near his mom and brother again, so that he can continue being more independent like he was when he was at the other campus. plus, it looks like they have lots of pets now… maybe he’ll move in with her.
just now, out of curiosity, i did check his mom’s fb (since i’m no longer friends with him on fb), since that was where i first got the info he was moving again. i will say it did hurt a little to see that she wrote about his new gf with that moniker, as she never did so for me (just called me “his special friend”), which I think she also did with his previous gf. does that mean he’s that serious about her, and maybe going to marry her? well, i wouldn’t be too surprised if that were the case, being as 1) we’re in the South, 2) i seem to have a knack for being the last girl interest of a guy before he gets with a long-term/final relationship, and 3) from what i can tell through some convos with his mom this last year when we ran into each other and various other things, he is extremely happy right now, and very happy with her. which is great for them. but i guess it comes back to that old thing – feeling like i never really meant that much to him after all. does that really matter? i ask myself that sometimes, trying to get at why it matters so much. is it because i really loved him, and so i feel hurt? is it because i feel used and dirty, and with the lack of love there, andthus feel worthless? is it because i poured so much into it, and feel like it was a waste of my time, energy, and life? is it because my board score suffered for no reason, or because my health and psyche got so messed up, and even now has not been completely restored (as a physiological, subconscious consequence, mind you, as i am definitely not in that bad state of mind anymore). or am i just so very disappointed in myself, for what i let happen, and for my weakness? do i still miss him?
i think i somewhat know the answer to the last one. looking through those pictures, i did have a little bit of a fondness in my heart. but i could also see we weren’t really in love. fondness and puppy love maybe, but that’s about it. and then i remember all the other things that came with it – the fetish (that he refused to think of as that way, but it definitely is), the manipulation, the lies, the panic attacks and anxiety or anger, the lack of independence, the never-ending saga with the ex-gf… and therefore, the lack of trust, mutual respect, and stupidly on my part, the somehow paradoxical development of a large sense of emotional dependence on him. i don’t really know why that occurred… perhaps it was a subconscious effort to reconcile to myself why i kept falling away from God and to justify the physicality we shared (though we never went all the way). or perhaps it was a subconscious way of trying to keep him by my side, because of that shame or feeling like since we’ve gone this far together, we might as well stay together.
ultimately though, it is so much better this way. i feel like i have grown so much over the last year, after those 2 years or so of stagnancy, and i have met so many people through God’s grace. i’m still not nearly where i should be in terms of fervor for God, and i still fall so much at times. but coming away from that relationship, i have drawn closer to Him and His people again, and it is so much more fulfilling. that sounds cheesy, but literally thinking about it just now, that’s the feeling i get. just joy that i’m out of it, and i really almost can’t believe how much my world has opened up here after that, just thinking about how many more people i have met… it’s pretty crazy. i’ve been to 6 weddings so far this summer, and a year ago, i didn’t know a single one of them. nor any of the people who attended those weddings. it was almost exactly (if not exactly) a year ago that i attended the membership class for my church, and so much has happened since then. oh. well. haha looking at my e-mails, it looks like i’m off by about a month. it was july 1st when the membership class was last year, and i guess the 14th was when i was voted in, and july 16 when i got the e-mail notification that i was a member. but anyway. so so blessed.
ah, i feel so much better now. see! this is why having an outlet is so important! and why i was so sad when xanga died (which also happened last year, at around the same time in august-ish). haha. unfortuntately it is also super late, ahhh! time to get back to work!