i remember now why it’s so easy to say/think that i probably won’t date anyone in the future again unless they’re christian here, but it’s much harder to think that way anywhere else.  here, most of my guy friends are christian, and those that aren’t have such different life values/ideas that it’s harder to relate, and mainly for other reasons but perhaps partly because of it, i’m generally not really attracted to them that way.  but whenever i get a chance to talk to a good guy friend from back home, most of whom generally are not christian, it’s just so easy to fall into banter and feel a connection (not necessarily romantically), that it makes me remember how difficult that would be as a criteria on the west coast, since there are so many cool/nice/funny guys that “get” me better than anyone here, and who i’d enjoy spending time with, but aren’t christian or believe in any god at all.

speaking of which, i find it really sad when people who i was once close to (or at least thought i was once close to) no longer seem to understand me (and vice versa) at all.  sigh. 😦  i think it hits especially hard when they don’t get my humor and take offense at things i joke about.  maybe it’s because they think i actually mean what i’m teasing them about or something… i don’t know.  is my sense of humor really that wry/dry or something, that people can’t tell when i’m joking and when i’m not?  i’ve had a couple people tell me that before, which i can maybe see in particular instances? but on the other hand, there are people who can very clearly tell the difference, so i don’t know. or is it that i’m too “nice” normally, so when i do feel like being snarky, people are so surprised they take it seriously?  meh >.<.

but yeah anyway, recently again i’ve come across a situation where someone seems to have overreacted to something i’ve casually joked about.  and this is someone who’s known me for years, and who (i thought) used to be able to appreciate lighthearted ribbing or whatever.  but it’s like after a few years, that connection has been severed, and one has to walk on eggshells to not offend, even when they are completely fine with everyone else.  or maybe they still haven’t forgiven me for something or another, or they just plain find me annoying or something. blah :\  maybe i should just take solace in the fact that if i can rile someone up that much with just an off-hand remark, at least that means i affect them enough for them to care? T___T small comfort, that lol. ugh.

on the plus side, i did get a chance to talk with someone from my college days (ugh that makes me sound so old lol >.<) yesterday randomly on fb, and he’s one that fits into the other category – we totally just talk about anything and everything (including when he’s using his phone while in the bathroom…) and both of us know each other well enough to not basically never really take offense at anything either of us says.  definitely a breath of fresh air (despite the bathroom issues) lol.  it’s probably the stark contrast of this friend yesterday with the stuff going on with the other today that has got me in this minor mopey mood lol.  since i actually met both of them around the same time, actually thought i was closer to the other friend when i was in college, and talked with them (or not) about the same amount since graduation.  and yet it is this friend who i actually didn’t spend much time with in college who i feel much more comfortable with now.

i feel like this actually seems to be a rather recurring theme in my life.  so much that i remember posting similar thoughts at least 2-3 other times on xanga or on here before lol.  those who i didn’t think i’d keep in contact with much end up being the ones i do (very loosely speaking), and the ones i feel the most myself with, and the ones that i did think i would at least try to keep up contact with are the ones that fall out by the wayside (usually in a way that’s out of control… i.e. they no longer want to talk/are annoyed by me/whatever else is the reason).  i guess it just goes to show even more how powerless i am in this life and that my efforts mean nothing.  only God truly knows where my life, and those in it, will lead.

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