haha. i guess the benefit of working in the crazy wee hours of the morning is that it’s pretty silent in the world around (minus the birds chirping outside lol) and more importantly, no one’s posting on facebook so there’s nothing to get distracted by XP. man, i was pretty good at staying away from fb the first week, but the longer i work on this, the less my willpower works. it’s like a weird dichotomy – when i’m focused, i’m really focused because i know the deadline is pressing, but when i’m not focused (which is every few sentences or so after having looked up stuff relating to those sentences), i feel this compulsion to keep checking things like fb or email, even now, when i know there are no new updates. so of course, instead i’ve come here in another attempt to distract myself. T___T *sigh*
i would really not be surprised if i had ADD lol.
but i think people (like my mom from all throughout my years growing up, or anyone who notices how much i post on fb) don’t understand. because to them, it just looks like i’m goofing off and that i don’t care about my work and/or i must have a ton of free time because i’m posting so much. that’s not precisely true. i read and post so much random stuff because i can’t prevent myself from procrastinating, and that urge to procrastinate is strongest right before a deadline until the very last moment, or when i’m screwed. but it’s because i DO care a lot that my brain keeps shutting down like this, because i’m also a perfectionist, and when my brain realizes that it can’t win this war – that because it’s so close to the deadline i can’t do a good enough job, yet the job still needs to be done – that it gets daunted by the task and shuts down. T___T never-ending vicious cycle, that has been gradually deteriorating through the years, and can be evidenced by my more and more frequent posts about this topic lately lol. -.-||
this also applies to e-mails and correspondence that requires more thought. sometimes i put things off because i want to be able to do a good job of responding, when i can be thoughtful and take time to reflect on my answers. but then it ends up getting crowded away and squished down on my list of urgent things to do, and then the person on the other end is left hanging and wondering if i even saw their letter or thinking that i don’t care about them when the very opposite is true… mainly that i care more about them so i want to do spend more time on them! >.< gah. i wonder if this is how some people are with me. it’s kind of funny because i actually hate when i have to wait for people to answer for a long time as well, which is why i’m so upset at myself when it takes me a long time to answer people. case in point: there’s a guy from high school who wrote to me in freshman year of college. quite a long letter in fact, and one that i really appreciated. i’ve been meaning to write back multiple times since then, even asking for his address at least a couple times as he’s moved several times since then, and by now i’m embarrassed to even ask unless i have a letter ready, and he probably won’t respond anyway, seeing as he probably doesn’t think i’ll ever deliver (or care anymore at this point, since we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years). but it still weighs on my mind sometimes. as does a letter i probably dropped the ball on (as usual) with a pen pal that we kept up even through college but i think i just never ended up having time to respond to that last letter, and also of course i also now have one that i’m hoping to respond to after Friday when this is all over. *sigh*
anyways. back to work.
p.s. cheri, if you’re reading this, if you thought 50 tabs was a lot, you would faint over how many i have open now just for this grant. i should take a screenshot just to show you lol.
p.p.s. i’m so glad i bought that large pizza from the pizza hut downstairs yesterday night. i’ve never bought a whole pizza for myself before, but it saved me through the course of last night. about to eat the 5th slice.