the reality of being a doctor means that you’re going to lose patients. people are going to die.  and from what i’ve heard, someday, in some way, you’re going to be at least partially responsible.

sometimes, i think that i might like to go into trauma or ER or something because it’s a much more hands on, immediate way of tangibly helping someone, and possibly save their lives. but other times, i think of the weight of that responsibility, if that goes wrong, or even if you did everything right but it still wasn’t enough… and then i reconsider.  even what i think i want to do, which is sports medicine, partly because it has less casualties (as far as i know) of the life or death variety, i’m sure there are still times when it happens. or even if it’s not life or death, but i cause someone to be crippled for life. or whatever.  no matter how much good i have done for however many people by that point, i think the guilt from that would be overbearing.

i don’t think i’m at a place where i can handle any of that. and really, i don’t know if anyone is.  it’s no wonder a lot of doctors turn to substance abuse, or their actual lives go down the drain.  and yet, if people were all too scared to make those decisions, we wouldn’t have any doctors, and even more lives would be lost.  someone has to make the calls.  i just don’t know if that will be me.

i bet i would have a lot more to write here (or rather, in my actual md/phd blog that i’ve neglected for about a year now) once clinicals start.  but anyway. time to go get some gas, return some stuff, and go to growth group.