wow. actually a little overwhelmed/over…come? @__@ really didn’t expect such a big response.  i mean, i don’t even have the degree yet… i’m going to guess it’s because a lot of people don’t know what candidacy means and maybe think i got the actual degree…? 0.o  really i just posted it so that i’d have a record of what day i defended my candidacy if i ever wanted to go back to it later (10/27/15 at 10am, shelby 515 btw, for future reference now that i’m writing it lol) but yeah… that’s more likes on that one post than i’ve probably gotten in like… the last 5? years combined. including birthdays and such. @__@. and more than i’ve seen in some people’s marriage or engagement announcements even. which is pretty crazy.

i know it’s silly to really put much stock in things like FB likes – people were probably just scrolling along their newsfeed and happened to see something they thought they should congratulate someone for, and clicked “like,” then moved on with their day.  but it does mean something. to me. because i know when i’m scrolling around on newsfeed, i don’t click “like” for everything that’s a major life announcement, which i guess this qualifies under.  there’s still a split second decision to click that “like” button. and more than that is the fact that so many people did it.  why? because it’s like a snapshot of all the different parts of my life in one place – the people i’ve encountered, and whose lives i’ve touched… or at least touched enough to warrant a token of encouragement on my journey.  just scanning through the names is pretty amazing – people i haven’t talked to or seen in years, up to people who are currently in my life today. from norcal to socal to AL, and even some from people i’ve just met at conferences and see once a twice a year briefly for those.

it means something because recently, i’ve been thinking of deaths and funerals again. in the cosplay community, someone apparently recently passed away from a car accident. and a few other people i know’s parents or relatives have also passed recently. it got me thinking about my own mortality (selfish i know), and wondering what my life would mean after i was gone.  would people band together like they did for this girl, raising up money for her funeral so her parents wouldn’t have to worry about that during their time of grief? would people even care enough to show up, or at most just send their condolences online, if that?  as a person, when i stop and reflect about these things, i realize that i’ve never really made close friends.  i don’t think there’s a single person out there who can say “i know her” with confidence, or predict what i would say or do in a given situation, who knows how i would think about something.  there’s no one out there who knows my secrets and deepest thoughts, and my ugliest side.  (well i suppose anyone who knows about/bothers to read this blog has a bit more insight than most haha, but still). and i’m sure a lot of that is my own fault… i’m not sure i could say the same of anyone else either.  i don’t think i really know how to get close to people.  and so, it made me really wonder… if i died, would anyone even show up to the funeral, besides my immediate family?

i do remember wondering this before, but it just was thrown into more relief recently again, i guess. it’s been a while since i’ve thought about it.  and of course along with that is wondering if anything i’m doing makes a difference.  and so.  God has been very faithful in that respect lately, i think.  i’ve been feeling a little the same way about music recently, and he gave me two sources of good encouragement in that area over the last couple weeks. and of course i am almost always pretty down about my research work, since nothing ever seems to work and nothing ever seems to come out of it.  but again, He has come through – encouraging me with this abstract which randomly won quite a few awards by my standards, and now again, with all this support from friends on FB, encouraging me on this journey i have undertaken.  it means a lot, because it means others support this path i’m on, even when i don’t see the light yet.  just like He gave me that last little nudge right before i came to AL, after i had made the decision to come. right before i left socal, on one of my last days there (or maybe it was the last day), i had gone to Quest learning center for the last time to take a class with them, and to get a picture with the whole crew.  hok probably forgot about it as soon as he said it, but when he learned i was going to med school, he said something to the effect of that of course i should pursue that, and that that was so much more important than dancing.  and so, with that final confirmation, i left socal and got ready to come to AL to start my life here.