what is it like? to go full out on something? to try, try, and try again, no matter how much you get knocked down or what gets in your way? to push yourself to the limit, or past? what is it like to work so hard at something that you leave yourself no excuses, and no regrets? to practice as hard as you can, every day, and to butt heads against teams and rivals over and over again? to love something so desperately and want to get better at it all the time?  what is it like to fight for a team, and to have that team depend on you in turn?

i’ve started watching haikyuu (bad idea for productivity), which is the volleyball anime. while i’m not as much a fan of it as i was kuroko, or even free, it still has that team feel. and i realized… well 2 things. 1, it’s funny how the sports animes i’ve watched are ones i actually had fun doing when i was younger – i used to play bball in middle school at lunch for fun, and volleyball was the only sport i was on a team for (briefly) in 6th grade. swimming i used to love as well, though i never was on a team for that.  next thing you know, i’ll be watching prince of tennis… i used to play that over the summers as well in middle school, though i never liked it that much.  but anyway, the 2nd thing is that i realized i’ve never really done a team sport, save for that brief semester of volleyball mentioned earlier.  even things i’ve done that i’ve competed in as a “team”, like wushu my first year at cal, was still done through individual events.  yeah, i guess there were groupsets, both for wushu, and for dance, but again, most of that is individual training – practicing kicks and moves over and over to memorize, and just getting together to make sure we synchronized. music as well. but while that’s also rewarding in its own way, i don’t think it’s the same as playing on a sports team.  the unpredictability of the ball, adjusting plays based on your opponents, communicating tacitly and understanding your teammates to pull off smooth plays… even at high level performance arts that might come close to that, i think most of those would still be individual lights that merge or fight, rather than coordinating to fight on the same side against another group.

ahhh >.< maybe i should try joining intramurals sometime after all… but i can’t help feeling like i sort of missed my window. back in elementary, middle, or high schools were when sports were organized, and everyone was on the same schedule for practices and such. at the college level, of course were the college teams, which i’m sure were the same, but for the casual player, intramurals i’m sure is where people stopped coming to all practices (much like people start skipping classes) due to scheduling or other life things.  and now, i’m sure it’s even worse now that we’re older. there would probably be a dedicated few, but not as much a team bond for all members. and not to mention i have no stamina or physical ability whatsoever, and would bring down whatever team in whatever sport i tried at this point. (did i also mention that apparently i just found out recently might have a heart problem, which would actually explain a lot about why i never could run as long or fast as others?)  but yeah. i kind of want to know what that feels like. to belong on a team, working towards the same goal. someday…