i came across a post on newsfeed today about someone’s shoes. which surprised me, because well, last i heard, she’d passed away a while ago.  it was her sister, posting on her page that she was going to sell the shoes back to a consignment shop (whatever that is), but wanted to first give her friends the chance to buy them and love them in her stead.

my first thought was curiosity on the shoes themselves, and upon clicking, they were freaking expensive @__@ lol. i don’t think i’d ever pay that much for one pair of shoes in my life, much less so many. i had no idea her shoes cost that much @__@. haha.  but immediately after that, i ended up, as i always do when her name shows up on my feed (oftentimes through her sister posting, but sometimes other mutual friends as well), scrolling through the posts on her wall in remembrance of her, all the way back to the last posts she made prior to her death.

i’m still not fully aware of the circumstances of her death, but from what i can glean from posts, my guess was a suicide by drowning in the ocean? not sure. wasn’t able to find anything that first day i found out about her death through posts on facebook, and even now, still nothing.  it was a shock though.  well, i guess in some ways, and in some ways not, if it was a suicide. not that i knew her well, though we did go on a trip to china together.  i wouldn’t necessarily describe her as a happy person, at least not then, but when she was partying or when something caught her interest, she was very much the life of the party. exuberant. loud. outrageous. laughing. enjoying herself.  she was also very real and down to earth. boy crazy, fashionable yet also totally comfortable in casual clothes and sweating like a pig from working out.  i still have a crystal clear image of her in my mind – who she was. there are clear images, time snippets in my life, that i remember extremely clearly with her, despite not having interacted with her very much at all.  which is weird because i rarely have such a good memory of people’s faces or events in my head.  it’s still hard to believe she’s gone, and i still tear up thinking about it.  she was so vibrant. i came across my own post on her wall, and that was the term i used to describe her then, and still is just as appropriate i feel even now.

anyway.  it’s been about 3 years since her passing apparently.  a little over. and her sister still somewhat often posts on her page things she thinks she would have enjoyed, or would have been proud of her for doing, etc.  i’ve never met her older sister, but looking at it, i understand her heart, and i grieve for her as well.  having a sister who’s been essentially estranged for many many years, and having had to worry sometimes if indeed she was even still alive i guess is, while not nearly the same, has made me grieve that loss, even though my own sister is in fact at this point still alive and well.  i am fortunate that she is still alive and we are starting to mend, but sometimes i worry about if something happens to her, or if this happens.  i don’t know how much younger siblings realize this, if at all, but we probably think about them more than they know.  seeing her sister’s pain even 3 years after the fact, and likely for the rest of her life, it’s really … i don’t even know how to describe it really. touching and heartrending, and sad and nostalgic and… in a way it’s really sweet because she’s trying so desperately to keep her sister’s memory alive. she even said that one of her greatest fears is that her sister will be forgotten, but every time someone posts on her page, she feels relieved because it means people still remember her.  but i can’t help feeling her loneliness in that, as time and years go by, and she’s one of the few who probably think about her missing sister every single day, outside her parents.  i wonder if she feels any guilt over it, if it was a suicide. i wonder how often she grieves.  i sometimes cry just thinking about my sister as things are now (even just thinking about it right now is making me tear up as i write in lab haha)… i can’t imagine how much more i would cry all the time if this happened.  and she has no clue.

anyway. rip my friend. still can’t believe you’re gone. may all your tears be wiped away and joy fill your heart where you are now.

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