someone posted a video of the piano guys playing one direction’s “what makes you beautiful” as an encore for their live performance. the audience clearly enjoyed it, and though it was a bit too far away and blurry to see any of their faces, it was fairly clear they were all enjoying playing it too.

i thought, not for the first time, how awesome it would be to be able to do that. to just focus every day on making music, and to share that love with a close knit group of friends who love it as much as you do.  i’m sure it’s not all fun and games; there are probably their fair share of differences – in interpretation, musical direction, personality or business clashes – but as a whole, i think being able to share music with others, as part of a group, and then to the broader audience, is one of those things that makes life so much more worthwhile. i really really wish i had people to share that with here, but it’s been so difficult finding people with the same passion.  thankfully there is an outlet which i’m able to play on worship set, but there it’s a little different, as the set/people change all the time, and it’s less of a cohesive unit of partnerships than a rotating group of people under one leader/director.  (though on the plus side, it’s also very fulfilling in a different way to be able to use God’s gifts in contributing to the worship and glorifying of Him).

i wonder if all phd students do a similar thing – dream about the other things they might be doing with their life if they hadn’t decided to embark on this path.  i know quite a few of my friends have joked about us all starting a bakery/cafe/restaurant together haha.  but yet we plod along.  some, i’m sure, do it because their love of science actually outweighs their desire for these other things. others are maybe scared to pursue something off the beaten path.  for me?

i don’t know. i’m not sure.  maybe it’s laziness.  maybe a little bit of fear of condemnation or judgment. maybe a fear of loss of privilege. fear of not being good enough to strike out on my own in a completely foreign field. fear of having to start from scratch and be found wanting.  fear that i wouldn’t really enjoy it and realize it was a huge mistake.

i think underneath it all is still the very practical me, that thinks that it’s important to have a stable job/career somehow first.  that has always been what guides my decisions, and in some ways maybe, you can say it’s what’s always held me back/kept me on the “successful” path.  happiness doesn’t really come into play as much as duty calls. but duty to whom?  myself? my future? my parents? i don’t know.

not sure the point of this post. random thought dump i guess.

today i spent the day originally supposed to be part of a filming session. i was a little worried going in that i wouldn’t have my lines memorized well enough.  instead, turns out i needn’t have worried at all since i ended up helping to teach everyone their lines in japanese since apparently no one else had practiced them or even got the japanese script (-.-|||) even though i had to practice for hours myself just to even learn the words so i dunno how well that went lol. and then basically organized the whole day b/c the guy who was supposed to be leading us kinda was getting stressed out/kept going off track. and helped make sure we had a direction to go in for the future.  yay.  on the one hand, i’m glad we got the chance to all come together so i could see what we were dealing with, swap contact info, and actually be more involved hands on to help push it forward. (which everything did seem to appreciate). but on the other hand, i really really don’t have time to be part of something that’s so disorganized, nor do i have the time/inclination to want to organize something like this. i’ve been burned way too many times, and i really need to graduate.  yet i also don’t want the work i’ve already put into it (making the mask, practicing lines, helping to rewrite the script, helping to plan stuff) and my sister’s translation work, to go to waste.  but if i’m going to be part of something, i want it to be done well.  so. yeah. stuck between a rock and a hard place lol. we’ll see what happens i guess.  the one thing good about today was that i think some of the people in this team (if not all) seem to at least be somewhat invested in trying to make this turn out as a good product.  i can’t help but feel a tiny spark of hope that maybe there are people out there who care about a project as much as i do/would.  let’s hope that doesn’t get quashed like everything else ends up getting lol.

kk sleep time!


edit: OH YEAH! i forgot to mention when first posting this yesterday that the highlight of the day was when i mentioned that i kind of saw my original anbu character as being kind of like erza, and one of the other actresses immediately jumped up and was like “i totally got that! i was like – i see what she’s doing there”. :DDD  that made me super super happy that she could tell that just from my voice inflections (for the most part, since we weren’t really acting anything out). practice does pay off after all ^.^