there’s a kind of deep loneliness that occurs when you realize no one really supports anything you’re doing. and no one ever really has.

i’m not talking about the kind of “support” you get when people treat what you’re doing as “cute” or a novelty – where they kind of condescendingly or confusedly look at what you’re doing and give a little *pat pat* type of encouragement. like saying “oh, that’s really cool!” while inwardly wondering why anyone is doing that at this time/age, or just plain thinking it’s weird, or that you’re not good enough, or that it’s a pipe dream that wouldn’t actually work out.  i mean the type of whole-hearted support where people actually believe in you and your work, where people truly see your potential and think you have a real shot at making it. where they actually want you to pursue your dreams and things you feel a calling for/find enjoyment in, and encourage you to keep going because they want you to be able to finally find success in whatever it is you want to do.

i guess there must have been a time when my mom supported me in that way when i was a kid, before my sibling was born.  i’m told i used to be pretty fearless and apparently enjoyed singing and dancing and stuff based on some old videos we saw recently.  i don’t remember any of that in my own memories, which makes sense, since most people don’t remember stuff before they were 3 or so (i really don’t remember much since before elementary school). but through those same videos fast forwarded a few years, i can also very clearly see how that was completely tamped down after i was no longer the only child, and in whatever i have of my memory, i can’t remember a single time where anything i’ve ever brought up as enjoying to my family has ever not been shot down, and not necessarily even through things i could control.  things like, oh but people will not respect you much if you do that, or that’s a dangerous profession, or that won’t really be able to support you and your family, or that would take too much time away from your family, or you don’t have time for that.  which sounds maybe not much now, but when that’s all you hear, for everything… then it’s a pretty discouraging thing.

huh. now that i think about it, i guess i’ve kind of just been forging my way myself for a very long time now.  this whole thought process came about because for whatever reason, i was wondering when i would say the happiest time in my life was, and my immediate answer is 6th grade, followed by probably freshman year of college.  and i started wondering why the college one (6th grade i’ve always known) and i think it’s because freshman year is where of course i made the most new friends who actually enjoyed the same stuff as me (my wushu friends in particular)… and i lost my other train of thought but maybe that’s because that’s mainly it. the fact that people around me enjoyed the same things and thus i could work hard at something because everyone else was working and helping each other in it as well.  of course, even then, it was not something my parents approved of – me spending so much time with wushu instead of school, for example.

then, and even now, the only way they would somewhat grudgingly accept what i was doing was after they saw that i was somewhat respected or was accomplishing something in it. like cmat. they were like why do you always spend so much time on this?  even when i was a director of it, they didn’t understand, until they actually came to the competition and saw the scope of what it entailed did they sort of get it and accept that it was a lot of work to put it together and not an easy feat.  even now, anything i do, even freaking buying a piano for myself for my own enjoyment/stress relief was met with criticism because they were worried it’d take away from my school work. i’m like wow. do you want me to go insane in this place where i already don’t really fit in and can’t find any semblance of stuff that i used to enjoy because this area has so little in way of cultural arts and education in that area?  or if i talk about doing anything for fun, because you know, otherwise i’d just be completely depressed, then they get very concerned that i can’t handle it. it’s like do you not think i know exceedingly well how much work i need to do, and that i shouldn’t overstep with other stuff?  yes i make seemingly non-nonsensical decisions to you sometimes, but as i’ve already told and proven over and over again in the past, this is what i need to do to survive.

and i’ve totally gone kind of onto my parents, but it’s definitely not just them.  it’s obvious in the way that no one cares about anything i’m trying to do. people hang out all the time together, but when i invite people to stuff? literally no one shows up. everyone loves giving lip service to “oh let’s cosplay this together” or “ooh i want to hear you play” or “i love how you do xyz, let me know when you’re doing it next and we can do it together!” as if they really care about me or my work, but when push comes to shove and things are followed up… invites to shows, actually planning things…yeah, the total sum of people who are down to actually do anything = 0.  same with just ideas and stuff that i’m interested in – policies, theories, etc.

so after a while, it’s just like well. i guess i’ll just have to do everything by myself. which gets depressing sometimes. and people wonder why i’m such a loner when i “seem so friendly.” well maybe it’s because i can’t trust or depend on anyone to actually have my back. because from friends to family, coworkers and even some faculty and even people from the various churches i’m involved in around here… there’s not a single person i can really count on for support – no one comes out to shows, no one has time to hang out, no one has time to eat, work together, etc.  and not for lack of trying. so that’s pretty depressing.

which also explains why despite the craziness that has now become this weekend, i am still looking forward to going to atl. b/c somehow, even though i’ve literally only met/known people for a few days a year from a retreat (and didn’t even really get a chance to talk to them much during that time), there are people there who are willing to meet up and hang out, much more so than the ppl at the chinese church here, which i actually helped out with quite a bit for a while.  also strangely enough, none of my girls that i was a counselor for ever come out really for these things (despite the nice things they say in their cards), but it’s always the guys who are much more willing to not only come out but invite others along and seem happy to see me.  … i guess that’s again another reason why i tend to feel closer to guys than girls… to me, it feels like (some) guys actually care about me as a person, whereas (for the most part), girls in general seem to only come out if other guys (or sometimes other girls) are going, so they seem to go for the other people if they come out at all, rather than for me.  there are, of course exceptions, but so far, those are pretty far and few between.

ok i think i’m done with my emo-ness. mainly because i’m hungry now and i’m also debating whether to go pick up the last stuff i need for my cosplay now and come back to lab after, or to do that tomorrow… hm i think i’m too hungry though, so i think leaving and picking stuff up is going to take priority now haha XP (the place closes at 7pm).  whew!  that was 1400 words?! crazy! feeling a lot better getting all those rambling thoughts out though XD bye!