sigh. just met up with my growth group leader and his wife (and kids haha). they basically told me what i know already, but hearing it coming from them, out of love, i guess made it more real. i guess this is why the Body is important – to help you confront things you’d rather leave hidden or pushed to the side until you have “time” to think about it.
i’m kind of bummed out. i know what the right thing to do is, and it’s kind of solidified in my mind now, so i guess the issue is timing and delivery at this point. but i’m pretty sad about it too. and i’m worried. i’m worried this is going to push him back into the state he was in before we met. i’m worried that it’s going to push him even further away from God and Christianity, after we’ve made some headway. i’m sad that i’m going to lose the first person i’ve met who really gets me and who i seem so compatible with on so many different levels. we understand each other’s emotions, react similarly to stuff, on a physical and mental level, we match in so many ways. i thought i’d finally sorted things out and chosen for myself, that he was the one for me, at least for right now. but. but. and this is what it boils down to – what concerned me, and what my growth group leader drove home at lunch just now – he’s not a Christian.
for a long time, i don’t think that would have stopped me, being more liberal in my upbringing and understanding (or perhaps, just less versed in the Bible). and in fact i would say both of my past bfs, and even many/most of the guys i’ve previously liked, were not (well 2nd bf sort of was i guess, but was just pretty far away in his spiritual walk/didn’t really understand things well yet). but now, i think as of a couple years ago, my thought processes have been changing to the point where i do think it is important, and have even started specifically mentioning it as a requirement when friends ask. and i’ve actually already brought it up with him already, that if we’re planning on going long term, that is something that would eventually be important.
but i guess that’s the point. why go through so much time and emotional investment with each other if it’s not going to work in the end because of fundamental value and identity differences? the heartache will just be all the more amplified at that point. so from that perspective, the truly loving and merciful thing for both of us would actually be to cut it off now, while it’s still early stages. and who knows… maybe the opposite of what i fear will happen, and this will actually be an inciting event for him to actually seek the truth more urgently. God can work through all things, and I just need to learn to trust Him. it’s also easier since we don’t see each other in person every day like it was with my last ex, so maybe that’ll make things easier to remain friends, if we can be that. and maybe God knew beforehand this would all happen, and my mother’s visit comes at perfect timing to help me through the break-up. who knows.
in either case, kind of bummed, but also already creating a list of books in my head to send and composing my letter to go with it (which will arrive quite a few days after our conversation, likely). probably means i’ll have to wake up early to have the discussion with him at his nighttime, when he’ll be more free. not looking forward to being cognizant in the early morning hours, but oh well. gotta do what needs to be done.
i’m sorry. i can and have fought a lot of things for this relationship, but the one thing i cannot fight is my identity in Christ. If nothing else, that was the one lesson I learned from the last relationship, and I cannot put anything above Him again.