today (and somewhat yesterday, to be honest), has been a trip down memory lane. watching old videos, looking through old pictures… there’s actually quite a lot of things i’ve forgotten apparently 0.o like i found a whole swatch of pictures today that i was like wait, did these ever go on fb even?? i don’t remember this! then i went on fb and sure enough, they’re there o.0 and also some that friends gave me during the same time period, which of course were never put up since they weren’t from my camera. but yeah. i’d forgotten that another thing that had made that year off in socal great was getting to meet the guys at UCLA (who actually basically all went to berkeley too, though i didn’t know them then lol). i also didn’t quite realize back then how many pictures i always happened to end up next to a certain friend until looking back on these. no wonder it hurt so much when he basically completely ignored me and blocked me out last time we saw each other. it’s such a dramatic change. was i really that bad the last time we met before that or something? (which happened to be when i introduced his gf to him)? sigh. is it sad that when i watched through their old vids, i still smile when i see him be his dorky self and i still laugh a lot when he does in the vids? (i can’t tell if it’s because i’m laughing at him or b/c maybe we just find the same thing hilarious… i don’t know lol). sigh. in watching these, i’m reminded how much i genuinely liked being with (aka around) him, before all this. and in looking at the pictures, i think we were genuinely fond of each other. but that was 6-7 years ago now, and i guess something’s changed, at least on his end.
of course, it could just be the age old thing where, once someone gets to really know me – my insecurities, doubts, criticisms, etc, then they don’t want anything to do with me. i guess i’m good at being a nice (albeit awkward/dorky) person, so if people can tolerate or find the awkwardness amusing, they are generally cool having me around until i start talking about my true feelings about things if they clash with another person’s, or if i show that something someone does upsets me.
huh. now that i think of it… i wonder if that’s why i’m so nice to people. maybe it was a survival mechanism learned at a very young age that people would only pay attention and be nice to me if i was nice to them. that’s a pretty depressing thought.
anyway, most of this trip down nostalgia lane was brought on by because of a pretty insensitive response to a question i had to someone i’ve been talking to, and it’s really been a turn-off. i don’t think he even realizes yet that my radio silence is a warning sign that he messed up. i mean, it should be a pretty clear signal since i pretty much message him with a barrage of stuff daily, so the fact that it’s been two days without anything should be an obvious sign something’s wrong. but he has yet to say anything, and as the days go by, my interest is rapidly waning. especially as i look through these old photos and videos and realize that there actually are/were a lot of guys in my life who’ve i’ve liked and admired for different things – who i got along with well and well… maybe they weren’t the best at listening per se, and they probably wouldn’t have been able to handle my insecurities and such either, but they did care for me in their own way.
It’s actually really weird how quickly it feels like that part of my life was another time, and how easy it is to forget how i felt about him. it’s probably the long distance… or maybe just the build-up of realization that we basically have nothing in common except love of martial arts, a physical connection, and communication, and so if we don’t even have the 3rd part anymore (and the 2nd part shouldn’t have happened and obviously isn’t happening with long distance), then well… that’s pretty much it, isn’t it? especially since he still didn’t confirm whether he was really over the other girl or not, which to me is a big red flag. it’s only been 2 days but it’s like my feelings have died pretty much overnight, and the only thing left is just indignation at how he handled it, but if we end up just never talking or seeing each other again, i’d be ok with it. which is kind of scary in a sense – have i become numb to stuff? is this what it means to just have a fling? i want to think our relationship meant more than that… but it was a strange situation to begin with.
also … blah. just went through all our old messages and stuff with my other friend since the time i introduced his gf to him and now to see what could possibly have changed between then and the wedding we last saw each other at, but i can’t see a single thing that happened except MAYBE one message that was me being all depressed at not having friends and telling him i missed being able to talk to him, but i also sent a message last year when i saw it apologizing for that (if he even saw it) so i don’t know what’s going on. it seemed like we were actually on ok terms w/ the last conversation we had prior to that, which was about 2-3 years ago (our average talking is like once every year or so lol) so yeah i really have no idea T__T. poop. oh well.
edit: well maybe this is why i’m not feeling much about the guy i’ve been talking to. maybe i’ve come to realize this same thing one of my friends posted about on FB just today, because it resonated a lot with how i’ve been feeling/what i’ve decided to do from here on out (curse word edited):
“I like to believe and see people for the potential and good any one person can be. But if you f*** with me, physically, emotionally or mentally, i lose an immense amount of respect and feeling for you. And I simply will weed you out of my life. All you’re gonna get is cordiality and you no longer can see into the depths of my soul.