sigh. sometimes i wonder why we’re even still talking. from a practical, logical standpoint, it’s really kind of pointless. nothing’s going to go anywhere, we have different lives and once either of us gets an SO, there’s not really a point in investing into the friendship since we’re literally never seeing each other again, and it’s not like it’s a very important friendship to keep once the feelings are gone since we have very little common ground. i don’t know. it’s such a weird relationship. in what kind of friendship do you say good morning and good night every day, and ask about the other’s day, thank each other when you’re considerate towards the other person, and yet are fairly superficial about the rest? it’s just so odd. most friendships are natural – you just contact whenever you feel like it, you talk normally, and when the convo drops, you just let it die until the next time you have something to say. this falls into the weird realm of “best friend” but with the polite tenterhooks of an acquaintance/a weird layer of distance at the same time. blah i don’t know. i’m so confused and it feels weird and i don’t like it when things feel weird.
lol i just made an online friend in gw2 b/c they said “nice cosplay” about one of my characters ^.^ so glad someone understood what i was trying to do w/ it ^.^ … i’m so dorky to be so happy about that… lol. but yeah, turns out they’re even in the same time zone! and they’ve seen FT too! they said they wanted to do one for darkness from konosuba, which reminds me a bit of lucy now that i’ve looked it up. but yeah might check that out but we’ll see. but yeah, it was cool to make a new friend! ^.^ pretty random too haha.
so apparently, only 4 members of OUAT’s cast has begun negotiations for season 7 – the actors for Emma, Hook, Rumple, and Regina. Is it sad that I’m actually pretty happy about that, since those are basically the only 4 I watch for? I’ve been sick of Belle, Robin Hood and even Snow and Charming, plus a ton of other characters, for at least a couple seasons, so I’m actually kind of glad they’ll be gone. Although honestly even Emma’s been kinda getting annoying, and as good an actor as Hook is, their storyline is just getting kind of stale. Or maybe the show as a whole has been getting stale. I don’t know. Hopefully they’ll end season 6 relatively conclusively and if they do get a fresh start in season 7, I hope it’s better than it’s been.
Anyway! Submitted my revision on Friday!!! And spent all of yesterday with some other MSTP students, plus Ravi and Leon, at Six Flags in Georgia! That was fun, other than the fact that stuff KEPT GETTING IN MY CONTACTS so it was like very painful for half the day and during most of the rides >.<. But it was a good bonding experience, and I haven’t gone to an amusement park in at least 5-6 years so it was nice. We also went to this really delicious African place for dinner – my first time eating African food! – called Bamba Cuisine, and yeah. SO good ^.^
Ok, time to get back on track with work… only < 2 months left!!! ALSJFALWEHTLIEHwr
man. today i shadowed in the psych ward for the first time, and man, it was so crazy. one woman’s story was just heartbreaking – she had been repeatedly sexually traumatized: molested at 5, made to give oral at 7 for candy, was pregnant at 12/13 and then raped by her own brother when she was 7 months pregnant, and just a whole bunch of other things that got her to where she was today. and she has never talked to anyone about some of these things, and she’s never been to a therapist for all the mental abuse and other things she’s had on top of it. and she still was crying because of all her pent up rage that causes her to want to hurt people because she doesn’t want to hurt people – she’d rather kill herself. but she also was taught to only rely on herself so it was hard for her to seek help. i teared up quite a bit during her talk as well, it was so clear how much she was suffering. i really wanted to tell her it’s ok. your rage is understandable. don’t keep beating yourself down. you need someone to help you through this. and i wanted to be able to recommend a therapist for her, but I didn’t know of any. And it also wasn’t my place because I was just a visiting/shadowing medical student and it was at a table with a lot of other people. Don’t get me wrong, the attending did a good job overall, but it just sounds like the medical system isn’t set up right to take care of these kinds of people. I asked later whether there were services or people available to talk with her, and was told there wasn’t really anything like that in the hospital setting – just group talks that may help a little. And that they can recommend a therapist after discharge, but after that it’s up to the patient. But that’s not what someone like this needs though. It was so obvious she needed someone to talk through all her trauma and help her through that as the main thing. All the meds and whatnot are just secondary. Same w/ a couple of the other patients. Also found out that apparently you can’t check someone in to substance abuse clinics if they don’t want to, even if they’re self-harming in an effort to get more pain meds! What the heck?? You can commit someone for suicidal tendencies but not someone who has a history of self-harm for pain med seeking behavior?? *sigh*. One day observing and I already see things that I would want to change in the system lol.
On another note, at least I was interested enough to stay awake while shadowing for once, so maybe this IS the service I should go into. Throughout my time there, I did actually consider both sides – one, that I would probably want more long-term follow-up than it seems like they get here… in-patient service seems to be just acute, and then discharge or refer. Though I could also see it draining on me a LOT if I actually became the one taking care of these patients as a therapist – I would probably definitely be the type to bring work home and it would affect my life. I’d see a lot of the darkness of the human heart through this type of work. And I wonder if I would be more compassionate but broken myself through the despair, or if I would become like the psychiatrists who say, ok, 1 hour is up, and we’re done. Neither seem like a good option.
One other thing this made clear though, is why we need God. I so wanted to help introduce some of these people to God – the ones who couldn’t see the way out of their suffering and where it has just been darkness throughout their lives. Instead, since I only had limited time today, I just prayed for them. May God have mercy on them and help them find peace in Him.
LOL. kimura ryohei plays wakamatsu in gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun AND HE PLAYS A BASKETBALL PLAYER LOLOL. and he’s also in a scene in the first ep he shows up in with hori, who is voiced by yuuki ono, who voiced kagami. XDDD
anyway, got my first paper review back yesterday! looks like we’re good for a revision! hope to turn it around soon!
my cold sore is actually going away quicker than normal – yay for icing it like 5x/day lol. now i know what to do for next time. hopefully the healing is better too. (also been trying to eat foods higher in lysine and cutting down on carbs a lot to try to help T__T). so hungry…
it’s kind of interesting how much you can learn about someone if you just pay attention and listen/ask the right questions. this weekend, due to some completely off-hand comments i made and being receptive/following-up on the off-hand remarks people replied with, i learned that one of the guys we were filming with on saturday had lived through stage 4 t-cell lymphoma (he’s only 26), and that another guy i met at sunday’s workout had both found his father dead at age 12, and also had battled a heroin addiction 3 years back that started after his friend shot himself 2 years prior and he started having back problems and the doctors gave him pain meds that led to the heroin addiction. i asked how he finally got out of it, and he said it took 2 overdoses and basically almost dying for him to realize something had to change, and that he couldn’t do it alone, so he just came to his knees before God and asked. and he went through a program and has been clean for 2 years, which is amazing. God is amazing. and as he was telling me that story, i really couldn’t help but think of erb and wish that something would finally wake him up and get to that point. he’s also almost died a few months ago, and recently had a family member pass away… i hope it doesn’t take him going down a wrong path all the way before he can finally find his way again, but whatever it ends up being, i hope somehow, God will bring him back to Him like he called this guy.
well it’s done. part of me wants to message one more time so we can at least say our goodbyes on video and end it that way before i delete the app, but i don’t know if it will happen. we’ll see i guess come next week.
had a really fun day yesterday though 🙂 did the fan film shoot basically all day yesterday, and laughed really hard and long. i guess i really do miss having people around that i can be snarky with haha! it actually motivated me to do some work too. though that didn’t end up happening b/c we ended up joking around too much online after ^.^|| T__T.
but yeah. 😀 church was also really good today. cried a lot during the songs T___T couldn’t stop the tears. but it was good.