it’s kind of funny how things come full circle sometimes. 4 years ago, i was doing this same assay with a different population of patients, thinking about a boy and a break-up. 4 years later, here i am, doing the same assay for the first time in years and thinking about a different boy (…or i guess technically definitely a man by all age standards lol) and a break-up.
today was an interestingly dichotomous day. on the one hand, i woke up this morning and after checking my e-mail, i found out that my first, first-author paper got accepted! WHOO HOO~! praise the Lord! and i actually got my butt to lab and was productive today (even though i had to miss out on seminar and free lunch b/c i had too much lab stuff to do).
on the other hand, i woke up thinking about him again, and being kind of bummed out at how things are. the thing is, i know exactly what’s going on for once, on both sides. doesn’t help the hurt though. it hurts because we’re not close anymore. it hurts because he doesn’t look at me that way anymore (except maybe at the end every time we talk when his eyes soften up and i can see the fondness there before we reluctantly end the call.) it hurts because i don’t hear the affection in his voice anymore (again, except for maybe a few minutes towards the end of our very sparse calls). it hurts that things i offer to him as a high priority/privilege, he instead throws back in my face, saying it stresses him out or he doesn’t appreciate it or that it’s annoying. it’s like dude, offering you this is not easy for me either! but anyway. what it really comes down to is this:
it hurts because i think i finally get it. the reason for all of our issues, and the subsequent hurt i feel when he either overreacts or is very defensive or ignores me or says/does hurtful things… it’s because he still hasn’t forgiven me. as much as he says he’s moved on and isn’t spiteful or feels betrayed or w/e, what he’s actually doing is blocking it out. blocking me out. because deep down he still resents me for breaking it off back then. it hurt him, maybe more than i knew. he took it as rejection of him, even though that was clearly not the case, and he reacted the only way he knew how to protect himself. so it hurts that all of this up and down the last couple months was my fault. and ultimately it hurts because it was my fault for letting us get so involved in the first place. i, as the Christian, should have known better. but i let curiosity get the best of me as usual, and let things happen. and then i fell. fell into him, even though i knew all the impracticalities. fell even though it was impossible. fell even though he was completely not my type in any way, shape or fashion – from his looks to his partying, weed-smoking, experimenting, womanizer past… to his swearing and complete fearlessness about his own safety, to the fact that we lived literally almost as far apart from each other as possible on the earth and that his future was rooted there and mine was to my home state, to the fact that we have totally different belief systems and values… to the fact that i was only going to be there for a couple more weeks.
it was impossible and impractical and illogical from the get-go. and yet somehow i fell into it… and quite happily so. i didn’t understand it. still don’t really. before, there’s always been a voice at the back of my head chanting how wrong things were if i ever got involved at all physically with someone. and yet this time there was nothing, just feeling. i don’t know. maybe it’s because we were in such a spiritually dark place that things were suppressed. or maybe i myself was in such a dark place that i didn’t even notice. i don’t know. it was so strange. even then, it was a strange feeling – like i was somehow detached from myself and my feelings – like a part of me would be totally ok with letting go and just letting it be like a fling that i forgot about later when i regained my senses or something, and the other part of me was completely wrapped up in enjoying my time with him, and enjoying the feeling of loving and being loved, which i never really had before in a relationship. our levels of comfort and trust with each other were so high, so fast. it was kind of crazy, really.
so i guess it hurts that he doesn’t trust me and isn’t open with me anymore. and it hurts that i know why, and that i don’t know if he’ll ever understand – about the reason for the break-up, or anything else. i worry that this will cause him to resent Christ and Christianity more, and that I’ve caused him to go even further away. i wish he could see his need for Christ. him and a few other people in my life. but when people think they have it all together, when they think they know all the answers to how to cope with life, it’s hard for them to see what they truly need. and knowing he (and they) are lost, hurts as well.
anyway i guess i’d better either start writing my lab notes down or heading to growth group before i get too exhausted to do either. bye.