you know, it occurs to me that i think i actually do like performing.  i enjoy the feeling of standing on stage and being present with an audience.  i think i’ve just been traumatized from a couple of bad instances with recitals and that’s why i have a mental block with performing and didn’t think i liked it. but if i have a team i’m performing with – whether that’s dance, music, or even theater, though that’s a pretty dim memory in my mind, it was fun. that expectant hush and anticipation/tension in the room when you’re about to deliver a line or moment, the feeling of playing your hearts out with people you’ve spent hours working with – the culmination of your practice on display for all to see.

i suppose it can also be nerve-wracking and disappointing if you don’t deliver well, or if the audience doesn’t appreciate what you’ve put out there, but for the most part, besides my poor solo recitals, i feel like things have been well-received, or if not, that people were at least encouraging.

i guess i’ve always been sort of drawn to the performance arts. not sure if that’s because of the influence of all the training/classes my mom enrolled me in when i was little or not, but reviewing our old tapes showed that i actually liked singing and dancing and performing for a camera, even at a very young age. that actually kind of surprised me – i was pretty fearless and actually desired the spotlight.  i guess a lot of things got in the way after that and my self confidence took a hit, so i didn’t think i liked that anymore. and i certainly don’t like the nerves that come before a performance. but i guess i do kind of miss it.

at least i’m able to play on worship services sometimes.  that helps.

maybe i did go into the wrong field after all.

though at the same time, whenever i think that, i also know myself, and realize that i don’t know that i’d be able to be patient enough to practice for hours on end to hone my craft. it’s a competitive world out there and to make a living through performance, you have to be the best, or at least, have a good team. and i don’t have a great track record of being able to find/be on a good team.  but do i think i could be happy just performing and teaching either music, or dance, or directing movies or whatever? i actually don’t know. it seems like it could be pretty fun. to fully devote one’s life to the craft of making music, or dance, or some other form of expression.

i’m probably romanticizing a lot of it right now. i’m sure it’s a lot of struggles and blood, sweat, and tears.  but i remember that year in socal – i actually was motivated to learn dance. i wanted to practice and get better – both for myself, and so i could keep up with/perform well with the team.  i was never really close to anyone on the team, but something about being on a team motivates me to work hard. it’s much more difficult for me to find that passion for my own stuff, if i’m just doing it for my own sake.  that’s part of the reason i’ve been having so much trouble with this thesis i think.  all it is is a means to an end – for me to graduate. there’s no real motivation or desire behind that, in large part because i don’t really feel like any of my findings would really be of any impact to the world at large.  and thus it’s been a slog. (that and all the statistical analyses issues have been a huge demotivation.)

so yeah. i don’t know where this was going but just some thoughts i was musing on i guess.