hah. while we were driving down to the MSTP retreat today, I was mentioning to the new students that we had our last retreat here around 4 years ago. it was just a guesstimate on my part, but when we were almost here, i was suddenly struck with the memory of me talking w/ stephanie r on one of the walkways near the beach about mikey, b/c it was right after the break-up. that’s kind of how we ended up getting to know each other better. i even remember that she was wearing a black and white dress with diagonal stripes lol. but anyway, so yeah. it was exactly 4 years ago that i was here. and it’s so ironic that i’m here again after heartbreak. only this time it’s a little harder, because the water reminds me of him, because of how much he loves it. except now it’s also worse because i know he started liking scuba diving and other stuff likely because that’s what they did together. ugh.
luckily, the beach is different, and the colors are different, than they were in palau. the water color, at least today, since it’s overcast, reminds me much more of the ocean in the bay area, though of course it’s humid here and the sand is better.
maybe this was meant to be. maybe this is the place to find healing, like last time. to break off all my attachments and wash it away into the ocean. though i think last time when i was at retreat, i hadn’t found out about his other girl yet. i think that didn’t happen until i got back from retreat. this time i found out about the other girl beforehand. so this time hopefully the healing will be full after this weekend.
i’m anticipating spending a lot of time alone during free time haha. this will be my mourning period. after that, it’ll be time to cut my losses and move on.
the e-mail grows and grows. part of me wishes i could send it. part of me says to wait until he initiates contact and is ready because there’s no point sending it now, where he will likely either delete it without reading it or miss it altogether. or, if he actually reads it, none of it would sink in, which would be even more frustrating. and i don’t feel like giving him any more clues. the problem with waiting is that i am almost certain that day won’t come. and it somewhat irritates me that he will never get it because no one will be able to explain it to him, and he will just spend the rest of his life thinking that he was in the right, and i was in the wrong. and that just irks me. it irks me that no one can justify my anger and hurt to him, so he will never realize his error. but as a Christian, i guess that’s something i just have to let go. God will justify all at the end. and this relationship was wrong from the beginning. so i guess this is my lesson – my punishment for falling into darkness and trying to make it work out. i suppose if nothing else, i have experienced how it is possible to fall for the wrong person, and why no matter how connected you feel, without God, the relationship will not be sanctioned, and will ultimately fall apart. the relationship started without God, and ended the way a God-less relationship could only be expected to. so i guess that’s just what i deserve for holding on to something that i knew couldn’t last.