i can’t believe it. i was just thinking about her the other day, wondering whatever happened to that research project we worked on together… and then today i scroll through my newsfeed and see one of her friends post that she’s gone – that she just lost her 6 year battle with breast cancer, leaving behind a husband and two young boys, whom she very obviously loved. though i only knew her briefly, she was always very cheerful and friendly, willing to teach and optimistic about everything. i don’t even remember now how i got in contact with her, but i’m glad i was able to, for that brief time. rest in peace, kathleen chang. you were such a light and you will be missed. i hope you’re in a place free from pain now. may God grant your family and friends strength and comfort during this time.
whew! thankfully that’s finally over. i think since it’s almost that time of month, my hormones were going out of whack and making me maudlin and dwelling way too much on unnecessary things and feelings. but after getting a bit of release today (after wasting much too much of the day away), i’m feeling a lot better. at the end of the day, i tried my best and learned the lessons i needed to learn, so either he gets his shiznet together or we’re just not meant to be together in this lifetime and i’ll just keep moving forward without him. like i said, just because i understand what he did and why he did it, mostly likely even better than he himself understands it, and that it’s because he has his own fears and poor coping mechanisms he uses against it, doesn’t excuse the actions or make them any less wrong. and though some part of me may never be able to completely forget about him i can’t stay stuck in limbo anymore for someone who isn’t capable of matching me where i’m at. there’s so much more work to be done in the world.
i do hope, for my future spouse’s sake, (should i have one, and should it not be him), that the “twin flame” phenomenon, if that is what we are, will not bind us irreversibly together in a way that i would be too tempted to follow. or that even if the call comes, by that time, God’s way will take precedent, and that I will be obedient unto Him, until the end.
This pretty much sums up where I am on the “twin flame” journey, if that’s indeed what this is. God fulfills and sustains, and through being finally shattered and broken, I found that He was more than enough, and always lifts up. And now I can kind of understand the Trinity as well, if we truly are two souls meant to be one. I hope he finds Him as well someday. The last couple days, I’ve been thinking of him a lot more, especially after i think we somehow connected again spiritually maybe before i abruptly shut it off after remembering what he did…and yesterday and today, kept feeling weird thudding of my heart at random times. not sure if that means he’s either being with someone else, using harmful defense/coping mechanisms, or if he’s just in pain about our situation, but it’s kind of been distracting and kind of painful. at least this time i know that it’s not coming from me, whatever it is, because praise God that He’s granted me peace for the most part. I do still miss him and think about him every day, but it’s no longer either a gaping hole, nor a source of anger. doesn’t mean i don’t still tear up sometimes when thinking about it, or get angry sometimes when thinking about what he did – just because i understand why he did it (even more than he himself does i’m pretty sure, as he’s still in complete denial about his culpability and doesn’t realize it) doesn’t mean it wasn’t still wrong of him and something he ought to acknowledge and apologize/repent about. but ultimately i’ve realized that i no matter what, underneath it all, i do still love him, and love him unconditionally like God loves us. but part of loving someone is realizing that no matter how much you’d like to help them or be with them, sometimes, you have to let them learn the hard way, or they’ll never learn and/or never really appreciate what they had/have. and i know now too, what my own worth is, and that i deserve better than someone who doesn’t know how to commit whole-heartedly, who doesn’t know to cherish and fight to keep the one they hold dear. so the only thing i can do now is send him my love through our connection, and hope that he’s receiving it and knows, at least subconsciously, what it means. though i still hope we can reconnect again someday, i also have full assurance in the Lord, that He has something better planned than what i sought originally with him, and whether that’s him finally coming to know Christ, repenting, and us coming together, or whether it’s in the form of someone else who I will be much happier with, or whether it’s that I’ll stay single the rest of my life from now on, God is Good and He knows best. Therefore in Him is who I place my faith and hope. I hope he can find his way out of the darkness soon and into the Light… my heart is hurting for him as he wanders around lost right now, and seeming not to know the way out. literally earlier, before the med school dance, i had to spend a good 30 mins just yelling “stop it!” in my mind while whispering it out loud. stop whatever you’re doing right now… it hurts! it hurts! stop making the wrong choices and hurting yourself. don’t you know that i never rejected you? that the pain you’ve gone through is all stuff your own brain/pride is making up? don’t you know how much i loved you, and how much i still do? stop destroying yourself! and stop running from yourself! face who you are and come to terms with it. stop resisting it, or you’ll never grow. (and selfishly, if you never grow… then we cannot ever be together, for i am/will move on without you, no matter how much our souls are connected).
i don’t know what he’s doing, but i’ve been feeling these pangs more and more today. still trying to figure out if he’s just thinking about me and hurting, or if he’s messing himself up by being involved with other ppl/drinking/doing other harmful, risky behaviors. i hope it’s the former, because then it might be a catalyst for change. but if it’s the latter, he really better stop it. i gave him a stern talking to about it also earlier, because at some point, he really needs to step it up and “man up,” as they say. he can’t be hiding behind victimizing himself forever.
anyway, so yeah. we’ll see how things go i guess.
it’s only day 2 and i think my partner is going to drive me crazy… or at least she is going to severely try my patience. i know that i normally get exhausted being around extroverts, but i think this may be even worse – probably closer to those people who are draining just because they are constantly sapping away the energy of people around them. she’s a really nice person, and helpful and everything, but she also questions like, everything, and is constantly needing either validation or wanting to leave or gossiping or complaining… to the point where i actually felt kind of relieved after we got out (early for me) today just so i wouldn’t have to be around that constant stimulation. -.-|| it’s gonna be a long month.
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~ T____________T. WAHHHHHHH.
FT just ended a couple days ago. such a huge part of my life, and now it’s over. T________T. it’s the one manga i actually followed pretty consistently, all the way until the end. in a way i’m sad b/c jerza never officially became canon the way a couple others did – you’re kind of left with implications but nothing solid. i guess the same could be said of nalu. but in a way, this ending is fitting, and was a much better resolution than either bleach or naruto had for a final chapter (though the zervis thing wasn’t really explained well, i’m even ok with the random reincarnation thing or w/e b/c i’m happy for them). *sigh* what an end of an era. thank you mashima for a wonderful story.
huh. i just realized… technically, i finished all of my graduation requirements from undergrad when i was 20, in 2008, though i didn’t walk/graduate until 2009. next year, due to how the mstp works, i will also have finished all my graduation requirements for the mstp at 30, in 2018, though i won’t technically graduate until i’m 31, in 2019. funny how stuff like that works. if you take it even further, my first relationship ended towards the end of my 2nd year in college. my 2nd ended the 2nd year of med school. and the 3rd ended at the end of the phd, when i have 2 years left of school (1.5 years really) again, for my last degree. interesting.
just re-watched the first season of free! (fast forwarding through some parts) and T___T. i want to be on a team. i want to have a rival/friend. T___T now i’m kind of sad i never played sports in middle/high school T___T. i guess the closest was doing collegiates for wushu, but since i got injured after that first year, i never really got to compete.
i miss performing.
i did get to play for worship team this morning though! that was fun.
but yeah, really miss working together on a team and performing. and yes, i know i keep posting stuff like this lately. just goes to show how much i miss it i guess. which is weird b/c i never though of myself as liking to perform – it’s always so nerve wracking. but when you do end up reaching the audience… it’s pretty great.
random thought of the day…
just saw the opening for an old show from the 80’s-90’s on fb called “hey dude” (…what lol), and was thinking man, everyone looked so wholesome and nice back then. thinking back to all the shows on tv back in the day, they were all so much more innocent and felt more down to earth. and i was like what happened? maybe it’s the hairstyle or clothing… and then i realized… it’s the MAKE-UP. or lack thereof/different style. all the girls looked so much more natural then, whereas now, everyone’s into thick, dark smoky eyes and eye shadow and the sultry look and all that. (and the content of shows is a LOT more risque and dark now). man. wish we could go back to that time…
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!! ZERVISSSSS :((((((((((((((((((
I read it. and cried. and read it again. and cried. T______________T
love is a very funny thing.
i’m still not sure if i would have been better off never having felt it before or not.
man. every time i watch this, it always brings a smile to my face. (and i can never just watch it one time! XD)
i wish there were better quality versions out there but oh well.
i also always seem to notice something new each time. this time, i caught a couple more dance moves that those on the sides were doing. but i also realized for the first time that this was a collab of a predominantly asian group, a black group, and a white group, each with their own very distinct styles (and somewhat arguably representative styles of a subset of each of their races). and that two of those were from the south (AL and GA), and one from the west (CA), which are basically the 3 states i’ve lived in/spent time in the most in the US (GA obviously much less than the other two, but still). what the heckkkk hahaha. so yeah. basically i love this performance even more with both of those facts. *fangirls*!
ok i should sleep now – it’s way past my bedtime. *sigh* i miss the old quest crew and being inspired and… i miss dancing. and having a team. and performing. and… *sigh*.