This pretty much sums up where I am on the “twin flame” journey, if that’s indeed what this is.  God fulfills and sustains, and through being finally shattered and broken, I found that He was more than enough, and always lifts up.  And now I can kind of understand the Trinity as well, if we truly are two souls meant to be one.  I hope he finds Him as well someday.  The last couple days, I’ve been thinking of him a lot more, especially after i think we somehow connected again spiritually maybe before i abruptly shut it off after remembering what he did…and yesterday and today, kept feeling weird thudding of my heart at random times.  not sure if that means he’s either being with someone else, using harmful defense/coping mechanisms, or if he’s just in pain about our situation, but it’s kind of been distracting and kind of painful.  at least this time i know that it’s not coming from me, whatever it is, because praise God that He’s granted me peace for the most part.  I do still miss him and think about him every day, but it’s no longer either a gaping hole, nor a source of anger. doesn’t mean i don’t still tear up sometimes when thinking about it, or get angry sometimes when thinking about what he did – just because i understand why he did it (even more than he himself does i’m pretty sure, as he’s still in complete denial about his culpability and doesn’t realize it) doesn’t mean it wasn’t still wrong of him and something he ought to acknowledge and apologize/repent about.  but ultimately i’ve realized that i no matter what, underneath it all, i do still love him, and love him unconditionally like God loves us.  but part of loving someone is realizing that no matter how much you’d like to help them or be with them, sometimes, you have to let them learn the hard way, or they’ll never learn and/or never really appreciate what they had/have.  and i know now too, what my own worth is, and that i deserve better than someone who doesn’t know how to commit whole-heartedly, who doesn’t know to cherish and fight to keep the one they hold dear.  so the only thing i can do now is send him my love through our connection, and hope that he’s receiving it and knows, at least subconsciously, what it means.  though i still hope we can reconnect again someday, i also have full assurance in the Lord, that He has something better planned than what i sought originally with him, and whether that’s him finally coming to know Christ, repenting, and us coming together, or whether it’s in the form of someone else who I will be much happier with, or whether it’s that I’ll stay single the rest of my life from now on, God is Good and He knows best.  Therefore in Him is who I place my faith and hope.  I hope he can find his way out of the darkness soon and into the Light… my heart is hurting for him as he wanders around lost right now, and seeming not to know the way out.  literally earlier, before the med school dance, i had to spend a good 30 mins just yelling “stop it!” in my mind while whispering it out loud.  stop whatever you’re doing right now… it hurts! it hurts! stop making the wrong choices and hurting yourself. don’t you know that i never rejected you? that the pain you’ve gone through is all stuff your own brain/pride is making up? don’t you know how much i loved you, and how much i still do? stop destroying yourself! and stop running from yourself! face who you are and come to terms with it. stop resisting it, or you’ll never grow. (and selfishly, if you never grow… then we cannot ever be together, for i am/will move on without you, no matter how much our souls are connected).

i don’t know what he’s doing, but i’ve been feeling these pangs more and more today.  still trying to figure out if he’s just thinking about me and hurting, or if he’s messing himself up by being involved with other ppl/drinking/doing other harmful, risky behaviors.  i hope it’s the former, because then it might be a catalyst for change.  but if it’s the latter, he really better stop it.  i gave him a stern talking to about it also earlier,  because at some point, he really needs to step it up and “man up,” as they say.  he can’t be hiding behind victimizing himself forever.

anyway, so yeah. we’ll see how things go i guess.

Advertisements