whew! thankfully that’s finally over. i think since it’s almost that time of month, my hormones were going out of whack and making me maudlin and dwelling way too much on unnecessary things and feelings. but after getting a bit of release today (after wasting much too much of the day away), i’m feeling a lot better. at the end of the day, i tried my best and learned the lessons i needed to learn, so either he gets his shiznet together or we’re just not meant to be together in this lifetime and i’ll just keep moving forward without him. like i said, just because i understand what he did and why he did it, mostly likely even better than he himself understands it, and that it’s because he has his own fears and poor coping mechanisms he uses against it, doesn’t excuse the actions or make them any less wrong. and though some part of me may never be able to completely forget about him i can’t stay stuck in limbo anymore for someone who isn’t capable of matching me where i’m at. there’s so much more work to be done in the world.
i do hope, for my future spouse’s sake, (should i have one, and should it not be him), that the “twin flame” phenomenon, if that is what we are, will not bind us irreversibly together in a way that i would be too tempted to follow. or that even if the call comes, by that time, God’s way will take precedent, and that I will be obedient unto Him, until the end.