there’s been so much going on in the last couple of days that there’s hardly any time to think about non-work related things, which has been a big blessing actually.  in fact, i think i’ve pretty much been able to move on now that i’ve gotten as much closure as i probably am going to get about the situation.  it also helps that i was able to talk with a close friend again on saturday… we actually ended up talking for almost 5 hours on the phone lol, which was a HUGE loss in terms of time i should have spent studying, but overall i think it was quite nourishing to the soul, so i’m grateful.  but yeah, the new stimulant use project, other research things, graduation coming up and my sister visiting, being on call yesterday and post-call today, and so much studying that needs to be done… i really think i’m going to flunk the medicine shelf right now, which is kind of concerning, but i guess we’ll see.

today also officially marks the first day i’ve actually cried over a patient.  i think i almost cried with a patient before (definitely teared up when i was praying for/with mrs. bryant on her last day with us), but this is the first time i actually shed tears outright (though in the privacy of our team room rather than at the bedside.  i almost lost it in the room, but managed to hold it in until i got to our room).  it’s been exactly 6 weeks since i’ve started in back in med school.  i don’t know if that’s late or early to start doing that haha, but it is what it is.  part of me wonders if it’s a little wrong of me to be this upset over this particular patient, as compared to a lot of others we’ve had before, some of which have even actually passed away (though none while in our care/service, and none of them were actually patients that i helped take care of (officially)).  though actually, he wasn’t one of my patients either.  i don’t know what it was.  maybe it’s because he’s one of the youngest ones i’ve seen (though not the youngest – there have been 2 who were younger), or maybe it’s because he’s around my age, or because he seems like he could have so much better prospects if he could just get help to get out of his lifestyle, which is due to his current way of thinking.  it’s heartbreaking seeing someone who is still so relatively young to be so lost, and to hate who he is so much.  i wish i could have conveyed to him that he’s NOT worthless, that he’s worth much more than this.  that i see the good in him, and that more importantly, even if he can’t believe the words of a stranger who doesn’t know all he’s done, GOD knows him and loves him, regardless of whatever has happened in his life.  this was someone who needed God more than anyone, and i’m torn that i wasn’t able to convey that to him in the heat of the moment.  and even now i still keep on tearing up, thinking about his situation.  he was so obviously in so much pain and couldn’t see his way out of the darkness.  and while he kept saying he didn’t want to talk about it, or acted like he didn’t care, it was also obvious inside he was screaming and yelling for someone to hear him, for someone to help him… for someone to save him from what he was doing to himself.  and also that he needed to hear that the mistakes he’d made to this point were ok… that he can be forgiven and move on, that he is loved and cared for.  it was/is still heartbreaking, and i really wish the system was set up better to be able to help him, and others like him.  i really wish there was a way for me to help talk with him and such, but 1) he was transferred to another service today supposedly, and 2) would it be worse for him if i started to help him through it and then after he got discharged he had no one again/had to start opening his wounds all over again with a new psychiatrist, or would it be better for him to at least start opening up and feeling that at least someone cares about him, even if we only have a brief time together? :\ i don’t know. *sigh*  may God help him see the light.

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