I have decided.  This year is my year.  My year to grow, to learn, to love, and to be happy.  To discover what I really want to do with my life.  To transform myself and move on from sorrow, sadness, heartbreak… to break free from yearning for the things of this world to yearning for God only – to grow in Him and put Him first.  I saw a post yesterday at the top of this twin flame article (the mobile version… not in the desktop version for some reason) that I rather liked, which said “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”  How beautiful is that?  That’s the kind of woman I aspire to be, and the kind of man I hope to be with someday, should that be in my future.

Today will also be the last time that I look up anything about twin flames again… or at least, for this next coming year, I resolve not to look anything up about that concept anymore, as I’m officially closing that chapter of my life and there is no more reason to wonder whether that was what I experienced or not, whether he still misses me, whether we will reunite one day, etc.  Yesterday was my last indulgence, to check his FB for the last time and see how he’s doing, and look at a few pictures for the last time.  The only exception that may make me a little maudlin this coming year as I am running out of time to catch up on posting pictures is maybe if I finally get around to posting pictures from last year to try to catch back up… I’ll run into the few I took of him again.  But other than that, I resolve to cut off any thoughts of him that crop up – to never let myself indulge again in wishful/hopeful thinking that he would some day come to his senses and truly apologize, to imagine what it would be like to finally be back together in his arms, to never again dream of what it would be like to have a future together.  It’s been over a year now, and it’s long past time to get over it and move on.  Today is a day of endings and beginnings – the ending of our past, and the start of my new future.  Time to step forward to the brightness of the world the Lord has been wanting to show me.

The above-mentioned article will be the last that I post or look up on the topic of twin flames, for it also brings up a concept that I think was true about the experience, even if I’m not sure I buy into the whole “karma/past lives” part of it that some people talk about, which is this:

“To truly start to yearn for God, God must at some point give us a glimpse of His sublime existence. The predestined meeting of the twin flames happens for the very purpose of igniting this longing within both; however we rarely realize that it is God that we are in longing for and instead associate all our longing and love with our twin flame. When we seek to know God in this way (initially disguised as a longing for our twin flame) this progressively expands the consciousness of the two souls. Furthermore, the strong bonding this creates between the twin flame couple guarantees the accomplishment of the spiritual purpose behind the meeting regardless of whether the twins are outwardly ready to complete the work or not…

With our twin flame we are so close to the intensity of Oneness with God that nothing other than pure love can withstand it. When we are not able to remain in the high vibration of unconditional love, the magnetic pulls simply reverses and creates repulsion. The reason this happens is that God, just like our twin flame, cannot give us our answers until we set ourselves in the correct position towards them. Both are here to point to the answers that are already within us. We are only meant to search within, to get to know ourselves and our own truth, to fully connect with the divine guidance in our hearts, which in turn leads us Home to our twin flame and God.

The thing is; when the longing and memory of LOVE of such magnitude is in a person’s heart and when one has tasted such love then one will do everything to feel that love again. Everything, that is, except to face their own soul, their own pain – initially at least. Many get caught in the illusion that somehow they can avoid their internal work and instead seek to find that feeling of fulfilment and nourishment either by pursuing their twin flame or by throwing themselves into other relationships, work, casual sex etc…

Nevertheless, while the soul never stops wanting union within itself, sooner or later it also starts to yearn for the original feeling of Oneness with its source. While it is undeniably the voice of our twin flame which beckons to us from the dark when we stand on the edge of surrender, only the closeness with God can fill every empty place, every feeling that is less than whole, less than perfect. In surrender, we reclaim this closeness by releasing our illusion of separation by rising into Oneness with God. It is here that we realize why our twin flame has been kept away from us. It is because God does not want us to depend on anyone else for our sense of completion, or for being able to connect with the flow of divine love within us. We are to recognize the source of these things within our own being first.”

If this is what God’s lesson for me was, then it was a harsh one, and the hardest I’ve yet had to learn, but also a very important one.  Plus then again, he’s given me two chances before to put Him first, and I clearly have not yet learned how to fully do so.  This time, I tried, and in some ways succeeded where the others failed, but in other ways, still failed quite badly, and got hurt the most.  But through that is also where I finally learned the hardest lesson of all, which is that God is the only one on whom we can depend and trust fully, for all humans are fallible, even the ones you loved and/or thought loved you the most.

Anyway, off to celebrate New Year’s Eve with an MSTP friend and his wife/their family!  It’s nice to have someone to actually spend time with and celebrate the holiday with, and people who will actually stay up until midnight to bring in the new year.  Haven’t had that in quite a while, especially since nowadays even if I do get to spend it with family, no one else usually stays up with me until midnight anymore.

Goodbye, twin flame.  Hello, new me, and hello again to the One above all things – God in the Highest.