haha God answers in funny ways. at the church meeting today:
- One of the little twin Chinese girls who were adopted a while back and always hid from me actually talked with me today! So cute! So maybe I do like interacting with kids after all, if I can be a role model somehow. Or at least, for Asian American/Taiwanese/Chinese kids
- I got there kind of late so there weren’t really any seats left with anyone I knew. I saw an almost empty table with 2 plates, so I sat there. Turns out it was the two boys who were asked to pass out papers for everyone (one may have been the pastor’s son, not sure) and it was kind of awkward (i even said sorry lol, b/c i felt like i was intruding their table) and i felt kind of like i wanted to cry a little inside because no one seemed to care that i was there and alone. but then one of my friends noticed and specifically came over to ask if i wanted to pull up an extra chair and join their table, and they made a place for me. so that was nice that when i was feeling lonely within the church, God showed me that He cares and that i wasn’t as alone as i thought.
- Talked with the pastor after the meeting due to questions about the new church building. He asked how things were going and i told him about my struggles with figuring out where to go next, and he said there are probably many doors out there that can glorify God, and there likely isn’t any one door that’s going to completely mess everything up. that was reassuring to hear, and a good reminder, that in the big picture, it’s ok – what matters is God’s kingdom, not what’s happening here, and though the decision seems momentous to me right now, in the large scheme of things, it’s really not that bad. then he also thanked me for asking the questions i do, and for my heart and desire to serve. and i almost lost it crying right then (and i think he knew that, and being an awkward introvert himself, he understood and let me go soon after that hahaha). but yeah. it was just like… God answering my previous post. that yeah. it’s ok for you to ask questions. people who understand you and understand your heart know that you only ever do so for the greater good, and not for anything else, so don’t feel bad or guilty or wrong for doing so.
on a separate note, i don’t know what made me look it up again, but read up some more on bpd moms and their children and again it explains so much… and reluctantly, it made me understand him more too. i suspected he had one too vaguely in the back of my mind, but the articles i just read kind of prove it. both he and i were the “black sheep”, the “bad” child in our mom’s eyes, at least for a while, and both of us are still struggling to get out from it. it’s why he thinks what he has now is “love,” because until me, he didn’t know any differently, and he hasn’t had the time (or hasn’t wanted to put the time) into thinking any deeper about it. just like how until him, i didn’t really know what it felt like to be fully loved by someone. *sigh*. i hope things work out soon, one way or another. i hope there’s someone out there for me, who really will love me completely for who i am, and who i can love in turn with no fear. otherwise, i hope i can find a fulfilling career so in the quiet hours, i won’t start feeling lonely again for someone or something i can’t have. or better yet, i hope someday, God can fill my heart completely, so that i never need or want anyone else for the rest of my life, and for eternity.