sigh…

today i was “that med student”. the one who almost fainted in surgery T___T.  it wasn’t because anything was grossing me out or anything, but i’d only eaten a small pack of (old) wheat thins around 6am, had no water, and was sleep deprived, so by the time we did the 2nd part of a surgery we thought was over at first (~12:30pm), i started feeling the familiar signs of hypoglycemia… except this time, i think partly because i had a mask on, the normal semi-hyperventilation blocked out all of the oxygen much quicker, and so after just a minute or so, i was about ready to pass out.  so i had to say that, and they told me to sit on the floor, (and i almost tripped/yanked a cord out of the upper level’s head lights on the way down -.-||), and then the nurses had to help me, and it was just all so blah and embarrassing to have to take their time away from the patient just because i was hypoglycemic.  it was a little worse than usual though – this time both hands/arms got numb up to the elbows, and my hearing was fading/everything was muffled, and i was definitely woozy and not getting enough air.  they even brought out a bed for me so i could lie down and stuff, and brought me the little juice containers and crackers.  after the first juice container, i was already feeling a lot better.  they took my blood pressure and glucose, which were normal, but still wanted me to go to the ED, but i really didn’t want to, so finally convinced them i was ok and went back soon after consuming a couple cracker packets and resting a little bit.  but yeah T__T. lesson learned – always bring a snack bar with you just in case.

in a way it was also a good experience in that maybe i might not be cut out for surgery after all, simply due to physical demands.  i do think i like the idea of being able to take care of people emergently, and working with my hands, but i don’t think i can take the long hours of standing and such with surgery, even though in a way it’s almost like doing stuff for cosplay (lots of sewing and meticulous work).  though also i feel somewhat uncomfortable with it because for example today, we did an ex-lap on a woman who came in with 2 gunshot wounds, which we packed with some shoe-string-esque stuff, but it turned out there was nothing in her belly at all, and as we were closing, we realized we had to open up her leg too, as her sup. fem artery accidentally got nicked while attempting to put in a catheter, and was the reason for her hypotension (and later development of a hematoma) in the trauma bay, rather than the gunshot wounds.  and then later, they had trouble getting a woman intubated, and so had cut open her skin in preparation to do an emergency crich, but luckily they were able to intubate so it wasn’t necessary, but they still had to sew that back up.  both were kind of “unnecessary” procedures that these people will now have scars and potential complications from in the future because they came into the ER with these traumas.  and i don’t think it’s fair to say that was wrong of them to do either, given the circumstances, but it just doesn’t sit well with me if i was the one causing those injuries that a patient would have to then live with the rest of their lives. :\  so after talking to one of the interns, maybe EM actually is a good fit for me, but on the other hand, the shift work time is pretty bad for one’s health too, so i don’t know. :\ gah.  so at the moment, my thought is maybe i can train as an EM doc, but have an integrative medicine clinic on the side where i also use TCM principles to treat patients?  one of the integrative med docs here is an EM trained doc who changed into that after all.  that way, i’d get to have both the emergent care and follow-up setting that i like.  the only question after that is where the heck research (and family life i guess) would fall in all of that. T__T. sigh. oh well, something will work out eventually, i hope.

also was debating whether to go back to the trauma bay after lecture because i’d heard a plane was coming in from houston, and thought it might be a good experience to be there during a crisis and see if i could help out.  but i was still not feeling well after lecture so didn’t want to be a liability (still hadn’t gotten food besides the crackers and juice) and after i came back and showered/got food, the sky started looking like rain and then i had a mini fruit-fly fiasco at my place, so went to the bccc prayer meeting 2 doors down instead.  but hope i can see some of those patients at pre-rounding tomorrow!

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random thought of the day(s)

i wonder if the reason i still like shows like miraculous ladybug and sailor moon is because that’s how i want my relationships to be and i don’t have something like that yet.  i really liked serena and darien’s relationship (yes, i’m purposefully calling them that) growing up, and now that i’ve binged watched ML over the weekend, i really think marinette and adrien’s relationship is pretty cute too.  in both, the two have their spats and snarky/quirky sides, but they love the alter egos, which are also part of the other person.  and they start falling for both, so when they finally recognize the other for who they are, they realize they love all sides of the person, not just the one-dimensional facet of one of the alter egos.  the relationships are also very cute with the shy/sweet sides, and it’s all a very innocent and pure type of love, where just being near the other person is enough to make one happy.  maybe it’s the asexuality in me or w/e but that’s the kind of relationship i’ve always wanted, and weirdly enough, i kind of miss the “crushing” on someone phase.  or whatever you call it when you like someone and aren’t really sure if they like you back, but you look forward to when you can spend a little time with them anyway.

it’s also cool that in both of those shows, the girls are the ones depicted as strong, who are the ones who happen to have the ultimate power to save the day.  thus while they work as partners/a team, in the end, the guys rely on the girls instead of the other way around (at least in their alter egos) and really respect/admire the girls for their strength/smarts/ability to love others.

it probably doesn’t hurt that i think both darien/tuxedo mask and adrien are pretty cute/good-looking XD, and i like their voices (though i think i like the french adrien’s voice timbre better actually, even though i’m not the most fond of the french language ^.^||)

i also wonder if that means when i do find someone, whether my interest in these types of shows will fade.  will i find them too shallow, or not matching up to the real thing?  i also wonder if all the people my age and older who are in relationships but still like these shows find something lacking in their partner… or do they see those qualities in their partner too?  the latter i’d imagine is much more desirable than the former lol…

anyway, the one good thing that for sure came out of this show is that i think i’m finally over him! 0.o  our relationship was nothing like the above, and regardless of how we might have felt, he messed it up too much, and there was nothing innocent or even any time to really start the liking process before everything happened. on my end, it was mostly curiosity piqued that led to being too involved before i was ready (and the circumstances of our meeting) but i think i’ve lost even that feeling of closeness pretty much completely.  a quote i saw on fb sums it up pretty well: “she moved on, and i feel sorry for you, because she thought you were the most amazing boy ever.  if she could have had any guy in the world, she still would have picked you.  now, you’re just another part of her past, a memory more faded every day.  and someday, she’ll find the one she deserves, and he will make her the happiest girl in the world.”

of course, the best guy for any of us is Jesus 😛 but yeah, it’d be nice to find someone who actually fits well, at least for all the important things.  the more i see in trauma and medicine in general, the more i appreciate/realize how important it is to find someone you truly can be together with “in sickness and in health,” on both ends.

i guess i do still sometimes wonder whether he’ll realize what he’s lost.  it’s really too bad, for him anyway.  now that i’m over it, i think i would actually even be perfectly fine just being friends.  but he’s lost something special, and i think he may even come to realize that at some point, but it’ll be too late by then.  it’s probably already too late now.  never say never i guess, but my heart really does feel like it’s moved on.  it’s kind of a bittersweet realization, but i’m grateful for God’s answer to my prayer.  and speaking of answered prayers, mom’s surgery only required one layer today, which is awesome ^.^. praise the Lord.

there’s been so much going on in the last couple of days that there’s hardly any time to think about non-work related things, which has been a big blessing actually.  in fact, i think i’ve pretty much been able to move on now that i’ve gotten as much closure as i probably am going to get about the situation.  it also helps that i was able to talk with a close friend again on saturday… we actually ended up talking for almost 5 hours on the phone lol, which was a HUGE loss in terms of time i should have spent studying, but overall i think it was quite nourishing to the soul, so i’m grateful.  but yeah, the new stimulant use project, other research things, graduation coming up and my sister visiting, being on call yesterday and post-call today, and so much studying that needs to be done… i really think i’m going to flunk the medicine shelf right now, which is kind of concerning, but i guess we’ll see.

today also officially marks the first day i’ve actually cried over a patient.  i think i almost cried with a patient before (definitely teared up when i was praying for/with mrs. bryant on her last day with us), but this is the first time i actually shed tears outright (though in the privacy of our team room rather than at the bedside.  i almost lost it in the room, but managed to hold it in until i got to our room).  it’s been exactly 6 weeks since i’ve started in back in med school.  i don’t know if that’s late or early to start doing that haha, but it is what it is.  part of me wonders if it’s a little wrong of me to be this upset over this particular patient, as compared to a lot of others we’ve had before, some of which have even actually passed away (though none while in our care/service, and none of them were actually patients that i helped take care of (officially)).  though actually, he wasn’t one of my patients either.  i don’t know what it was.  maybe it’s because he’s one of the youngest ones i’ve seen (though not the youngest – there have been 2 who were younger), or maybe it’s because he’s around my age, or because he seems like he could have so much better prospects if he could just get help to get out of his lifestyle, which is due to his current way of thinking.  it’s heartbreaking seeing someone who is still so relatively young to be so lost, and to hate who he is so much.  i wish i could have conveyed to him that he’s NOT worthless, that he’s worth much more than this.  that i see the good in him, and that more importantly, even if he can’t believe the words of a stranger who doesn’t know all he’s done, GOD knows him and loves him, regardless of whatever has happened in his life.  this was someone who needed God more than anyone, and i’m torn that i wasn’t able to convey that to him in the heat of the moment.  and even now i still keep on tearing up, thinking about his situation.  he was so obviously in so much pain and couldn’t see his way out of the darkness.  and while he kept saying he didn’t want to talk about it, or acted like he didn’t care, it was also obvious inside he was screaming and yelling for someone to hear him, for someone to help him… for someone to save him from what he was doing to himself.  and also that he needed to hear that the mistakes he’d made to this point were ok… that he can be forgiven and move on, that he is loved and cared for.  it was/is still heartbreaking, and i really wish the system was set up better to be able to help him, and others like him.  i really wish there was a way for me to help talk with him and such, but 1) he was transferred to another service today supposedly, and 2) would it be worse for him if i started to help him through it and then after he got discharged he had no one again/had to start opening his wounds all over again with a new psychiatrist, or would it be better for him to at least start opening up and feeling that at least someone cares about him, even if we only have a brief time together? :\ i don’t know. *sigh*  may God help him see the light.

lol i think at least 3/4 of the neighbors that border my place are new residents/medical students/other students.  there has been hammering on both walls at varying times, as well as hammering/thumping sounds from above these last 2 days.  guess everyone’s trying to unpack everything as much as they can this weekend before things really ramp up haha XD

in other news, i’m totally behind on my uworld questions and studying…

and other other news, it’s kind of cool to hear veterans’ stories, and how much history they lived through (and kind of how terrible the government was to some of them…) yesterday, i found out one was around during the atomic bomb testing and they were told to specifically run under the cloud of gas @___@… another served in korea for 8 years and had a group of 36 that saved a group of 86 without losing a single person… but then their record got lost so they never got commended for it.  and then the subsequent stuff they experienced there cause them to drink for 42 years, 14 of which they were drunk straight every day and almost committed suicide… until the drinking caused a seizure and convulsions and he was deemed that he would die within 6 hours due to pancreatic and kidney failure… and then God saved him and he hasn’t smoked or drunk anything since.  freaking amazing.  can’t help hoping some other people i know could turn their lives around like that… :\

he also surprised me after i finished taking his H&P by saying “I’m glad it was you.”  He must have seen the surprise in my face, because he followed it up with “You seem like you really know what you’re doing, and you’re really thorough about it.”  That was surprising, and kind of touching.  It does feel a little weird as my current knowledge/skill level certainly doesn’t warrant that kind of confidence, but if it made him feel cared for, then I guess I’m glad.

oh yeah, there was one good thing about staying there late yesterday! found out one of the interns has been feeling the same way i have about our team, so that was kind of reassuring.

anyway. gonna try to get some more studying done today.  bye!

you know, i’m really starting to appreciate my previous team… even more so than i thought i did.  it’s interesting how big a difference it makes having a confident upper-level, or at least one who is(/seems) well-prepared, organized and thoughtful.  our current one is often frazzled, and it sounds like she’s also kind of anxious? since she’s been waking up at 3am every morning worried about her patients/how she’s doing with managing them.  and i think her stress translates to our stress, because it creates a kind of tense atmosphere, and she often forgets where people are or who has which patient, etc.  whereas with my other team, we were pretty relaxed all the time, everyone was clear who they were following and what needed to be done when, etc.  even though i knew j would be stressed out sometimes too with everything he had to take care of, he would always make time for questions, or apologize about not having time to (which he definitely didn’t need to) and he seemed to be well balanced about keeping everyone going.

it’s possible we also had better interns last time, and it probably helped also that we had an AI to split the load.  “better” in the sense that they were both autonomous and seemed to have a good idea of how to handle their patients – one of our interns this time seems like that, but the other seems a little lost most of the time, nice though he is.  what’s definitely also not helping the atmosphere, at least for me, is the other med student.  she’s nice enough, but much too anxious and aggressive at the same time (maybe because she’s anxious about doing well?) and it’s just really tiring dealing with her simultaneous need for attention/validation, and then her stepping over of me and other teammates in trying to impress the higher ups.  she’s definitely more knowledgeable than me, and i’m sure would be a good doctor for that reason, but she’s also the type that i would not want to see, nor would i want any family members to see, simply because she would be too pushy for things.  and also i think i just have a distaste for fakeness, which she oozes – she acts so nice to patients and to other people, but talks about people behind their backs constantly, or complains about how annoying it was to have to pretend to be interested in what an attending or others had to say, which during that whole conversation, she sounded super enthusiastic about it the whole time.  also, our first day together, she complained about how her previous partner kept “stealing” her patients… and then she later says she took care of 4 patients, and even now she keeps trying to take more, or keeps “happening” to see my patients along with hers and trying to interject about them all the time… so now i’m like welp, this sounds like a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black, and/or projection.  guess this is what they call a “gunner”. so yeah, just doing the best i can while staying as far away as possible.

RIP

i can’t believe it.  i was just thinking about her the other day, wondering whatever happened to that research project we worked on together… and then today i scroll through my newsfeed and see one of her friends post that she’s gone – that she just lost her 6 year battle with breast cancer, leaving behind a husband and two young boys, whom she very obviously loved.  though i only knew her briefly, she was always very cheerful and friendly, willing to teach and optimistic about everything.  i don’t even remember now how i got in contact with her, but i’m glad i was able to, for that brief time.  rest in peace, kathleen chang. you were such a light and you will be missed.  i hope you’re in a place free from pain now.  may God grant your family and friends strength and comfort during this time.

whew! thankfully that’s finally over.  i think since it’s almost that time of month, my hormones were going out of whack and making me maudlin and dwelling way too much on unnecessary things and feelings.  but after getting a bit of release today (after wasting much too much of the day away), i’m feeling a lot better.  at the end of the day, i tried my best and learned the lessons i needed to learn, so either he gets his shiznet together or we’re just not meant to be together in this lifetime and i’ll just keep moving forward without him.  like i said, just because i understand what he did and why he did it, mostly likely even better than he himself understands it, and that it’s because he has his own fears and poor coping mechanisms he uses against it, doesn’t excuse the actions or make them any less wrong.  and though some part of me may never be able to completely forget about him i can’t stay stuck in limbo anymore for someone who isn’t capable of matching me where i’m at.  there’s so much more work to be done in the world.

i do hope, for my future spouse’s sake, (should i have one, and should it not be him), that the “twin flame” phenomenon, if that is what we are, will not bind us irreversibly together in a way that i would be too tempted to follow.  or that even if the call comes, by that time, God’s way will take precedent, and that I will be obedient unto Him, until the end.

 

This pretty much sums up where I am on the “twin flame” journey, if that’s indeed what this is.  God fulfills and sustains, and through being finally shattered and broken, I found that He was more than enough, and always lifts up.  And now I can kind of understand the Trinity as well, if we truly are two souls meant to be one.  I hope he finds Him as well someday.  The last couple days, I’ve been thinking of him a lot more, especially after i think we somehow connected again spiritually maybe before i abruptly shut it off after remembering what he did…and yesterday and today, kept feeling weird thudding of my heart at random times.  not sure if that means he’s either being with someone else, using harmful defense/coping mechanisms, or if he’s just in pain about our situation, but it’s kind of been distracting and kind of painful.  at least this time i know that it’s not coming from me, whatever it is, because praise God that He’s granted me peace for the most part.  I do still miss him and think about him every day, but it’s no longer either a gaping hole, nor a source of anger. doesn’t mean i don’t still tear up sometimes when thinking about it, or get angry sometimes when thinking about what he did – just because i understand why he did it (even more than he himself does i’m pretty sure, as he’s still in complete denial about his culpability and doesn’t realize it) doesn’t mean it wasn’t still wrong of him and something he ought to acknowledge and apologize/repent about.  but ultimately i’ve realized that i no matter what, underneath it all, i do still love him, and love him unconditionally like God loves us.  but part of loving someone is realizing that no matter how much you’d like to help them or be with them, sometimes, you have to let them learn the hard way, or they’ll never learn and/or never really appreciate what they had/have.  and i know now too, what my own worth is, and that i deserve better than someone who doesn’t know how to commit whole-heartedly, who doesn’t know to cherish and fight to keep the one they hold dear.  so the only thing i can do now is send him my love through our connection, and hope that he’s receiving it and knows, at least subconsciously, what it means.  though i still hope we can reconnect again someday, i also have full assurance in the Lord, that He has something better planned than what i sought originally with him, and whether that’s him finally coming to know Christ, repenting, and us coming together, or whether it’s in the form of someone else who I will be much happier with, or whether it’s that I’ll stay single the rest of my life from now on, God is Good and He knows best.  Therefore in Him is who I place my faith and hope.  I hope he can find his way out of the darkness soon and into the Light… my heart is hurting for him as he wanders around lost right now, and seeming not to know the way out.  literally earlier, before the med school dance, i had to spend a good 30 mins just yelling “stop it!” in my mind while whispering it out loud.  stop whatever you’re doing right now… it hurts! it hurts! stop making the wrong choices and hurting yourself. don’t you know that i never rejected you? that the pain you’ve gone through is all stuff your own brain/pride is making up? don’t you know how much i loved you, and how much i still do? stop destroying yourself! and stop running from yourself! face who you are and come to terms with it. stop resisting it, or you’ll never grow. (and selfishly, if you never grow… then we cannot ever be together, for i am/will move on without you, no matter how much our souls are connected).

i don’t know what he’s doing, but i’ve been feeling these pangs more and more today.  still trying to figure out if he’s just thinking about me and hurting, or if he’s messing himself up by being involved with other ppl/drinking/doing other harmful, risky behaviors.  i hope it’s the former, because then it might be a catalyst for change.  but if it’s the latter, he really better stop it.  i gave him a stern talking to about it also earlier,  because at some point, he really needs to step it up and “man up,” as they say.  he can’t be hiding behind victimizing himself forever.

anyway, so yeah. we’ll see how things go i guess.

it’s only day 2 and i think my partner is going to drive me crazy… or at least she is going to severely try my patience.  i know that i normally get exhausted being around extroverts, but i think this may be even worse – probably closer to those people who are draining just because they are constantly sapping away the energy of people around them.  she’s a really nice person, and helpful and everything, but she also questions like, everything, and is constantly needing either validation or wanting to leave or gossiping or complaining… to the point where i actually felt kind of relieved after we got out (early for me) today just so i wouldn’t have to be around that constant stimulation. -.-||  it’s gonna be a long month.

WAAHHHHH~!!!!! FT JUST ENDED

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~ T____________T.  WAHHHHHHH.

FT just ended a couple days ago. such a huge part of my life, and now it’s over. T________T.  it’s the one manga i actually followed pretty consistently, all the way until the end.  in a way i’m sad b/c jerza never officially became canon the way a couple others did – you’re kind of left with implications but nothing solid.  i guess the same could be said of nalu.  but in a way, this ending is fitting, and was a much better resolution than either bleach or naruto had for a final chapter (though the zervis thing wasn’t really explained well, i’m even ok with the random reincarnation thing or w/e b/c i’m happy for them).  *sigh* what an end of an era.  thank you mashima for a wonderful story.