is it sad that the only place i get news is from comedy sites, because the real news is just too depressing? lol

anyway finished my first week in clerkships! phew @__@. it’s been pretty crazy. i generally wake up around 6am (my body just randomly wakes up then), and post-call day, i had to get by like 4:30am T__T. needless to say, my sleeping schedule has severely flipped haha. but i think it’s good actually – i feel more awake. just means i get SUPER sleepy/tired at night. ¬†and i don’t usually have a lot of energy to study… or do anything else really. the good part about that i guess is there’s not a lot of down time to overthink things. the bad part is there’s not enough time to do everything i need to do. at least it’s making me slightly more efficient i guess haha. T__T

SUPER glad i get a “golden weekend” so we don’t have to go in this week ūüôā

oh man. post-call really is rough. and we actually had it relatively easy during call/post-call. T__T.  had to wake up at 4:45am today to get in around 5am for rounding at 7am.  slept around 6 hours but so freaking sleeping Рkept almost falling asleep in afternoon lecture and yawning, even though it was important info. T__T.  3rd year is rough man.  though my first patient supposedly got discharged today, so yay. and i think i figured out the dx for my 2nd one.

got an e-mail back about needing to fix my thesis so doing that right now.

man, can’t wait until the weekend. ¬†will probably need to make a trip to costco for water and stuff, but yeah. phew. had to take a nap after getting back around 5pm today – just woke up (~8:20pm) and super groggy. will need to sleep early today i think. man. was hoping to do some questions or something today too. T__T.

whew! actually went an ENTIRE DAY without checking facebook! ¬†(well, entire work day) XP. ¬†and actually only did work the entire day. kind of proud of myself. XD ¬†also actually got up early for once! around 6am or so. ¬†man though, so much work to do/catch up on. T__T ¬†wrote my first official¬†Progress Note as a 3rd year (though it’s a pretty shoddy one haha T__T). so tired every day. i guess that’s good though – makes me sleep earlier.

first day back in med school. wow. i know like, literally nothing. T__T. need to catch up for sure. finally got IMPACT access this afternoon, got my iPad set up, and need to buy UWorld qbank like RIGHT NOW. ¬†i’m so behind already man. ¬†>.<

also totally forgot my mouse was on the blink before i left ugh. so annoying.

will need to flip my sleeping schedule and start sleeping early today. actually woke up ~5am this morning, then 6am, then 7am. guess my body actually¬†was kind of excited for today, even though i didn’t feel it.

this is also good though. thoughts about him did pop up once in a while, but for the most part, was too busy/preoccupied to think about it. and i think i’m actually pretty much over it already, which is kind of weird. i guess i really¬†was able to make my peace with the situation, especially after sending that e-mail. ¬†to be completely honest, of course, i do still wish that he would send some sort of apology someday, but i think i’ll forget about it even in a month or two at this rate. praise God.

ok! need to get studying or something. @___@. so much work to do! ¬†and i need to re-submit our manuscript, and get that substance use manuscript/draft edits out as well at some point T__T. now i’m starting to understand why everyone says there’s no time to really do anything during 3rd year. T__T. it’s kind of nice in a way though. finally feel like i’m learning/doing stuff again. ¬†i’m also pretty glad at my schedule – seems i’ll at least get a couple weekends off based on the way our call rotation falls (assuming i understood them correctly…) and with it’s cool having someone from my class (who was nice) as the upper level resident. makes things feel more relaxed. ¬†also happened to run into one of my anatomy lab partners from back in the day after i got out today! ¬†no idea he’s still here. he’s doing psych apparently. ¬†we caught up a bit, and he said he’d text my upper level so we could all catch up and grab lunch someday. ūüôā i hope that happens! ¬†it is¬†nice being able to interact with people and have some kind of social group/teamwork again after all.

welp. was originally gonna post about how i think i’m a lot better now, but that’s gonna have to wait a little bit since a lot has happened in between then – namely a really drunk (and throwing up) roommate, and since my other roommate and i don’t have experience drinking, another neighboring student first year who was also somewhat drunk had to come over and help. ¬†our other roommate is passed out in her room, so she’s sleeping here with us on the floor now. ¬†but yeah man. super sleep deprived now. really didn’t sign up for this. ¬†wonder if next year i can just request to be in a single room or with others who don’t drink -.-|| ¬†though i’m grateful the other girl came to help because otherwise we could potentially have had a pretty dangerous situation and not known how to deal with it. man. why do people do this to themselves?! ¬†also she’s driving tomorrow (and she’s already a pretty erratic driver to begin with, so that’s pretty concerning… (and i’m not sure how much sleep i’m going to get with the vomit smell and other stuff… T___T)…

anyway. ¬†had a good cry out on the beach alone tonight for like semi half an hour to an hour total. though during the 2nd half, a dead shark washed up on the beach, so i got distracted somewhat being kind of sad about the dead shark, which i tried to see if i could feel any movement, but couldn’t, so threw back in the sea so at least it could go back to whence it came (instead of being just dry and washed up on the beach). ¬†then ran into 2 students on the way back and was doing ok at keeping my emotions in check until one of them asked if i was ok, and i ended up breaking down in front of them. ¬†they were very nice and encouraging, and i think being able to talk it out and hearing their stories as well helped a lot. ¬†and also i’m kinda just so freaking tired right now that i can’t really care anymore haha, which i guess is a good thing in its own way. ¬†ugh though. having this much sleep debt before starting clinicals is NOT how i wanted to start my first day. sigh.

things are so unexpectedly cyclical

hah. while we were driving down to the MSTP retreat today, I was mentioning to the new students that we had our last retreat here around 4 years ago. it was just a guesstimate on my part, but when we were almost here, i was suddenly struck with the memory of me talking w/ stephanie r on one of the walkways near the beach about mikey, b/c it was right after the break-up. ¬†that’s kind of how we ended up getting to know each other better. i even remember that she was wearing a black and white dress with diagonal stripes lol. ¬†but anyway, so yeah. it¬†was exactly 4 years ago that i was here. and it’s so ironic that i’m here again after heartbreak. ¬†only this time it’s a little harder, because the water reminds me of him, because of how much he loves it. except now it’s also worse because i know he started liking scuba diving and other stuff likely because that’s what they did together. ¬†ugh.

luckily, the beach is different, and the colors are different, than they were in palau. ¬†the water color, at least today, since it’s overcast, reminds me much more of the ocean in the bay area, though of course it’s humid here and the sand is better.

maybe this was meant to be. ¬†maybe this is the place to find healing, like last time. ¬†to break off all my attachments and wash it away into the ocean. ¬†though i think last time when i was at retreat, i hadn’t found out about his other girl yet. i think that didn’t happen until i got back from retreat. this time i found out about the other girl beforehand. so this time hopefully the healing will be full after this weekend.

i’m anticipating spending a lot of time alone during free time haha. this will be my mourning period. after that, it’ll be time to cut my losses and move on.

the e-mail grows and grows. part of me wishes i could send it. part of me says to wait until he initiates contact and is ready because there’s no point sending it now, where he will likely either delete it without reading it or miss it altogether. or, if he actually reads it, none of it would sink in, which would be even more frustrating. and i don’t feel like giving him any more clues. ¬†the problem with waiting is that i am almost certain that day won’t come. and it somewhat irritates me that he will never get it because no one will be able to explain it to him, and he will just spend the rest of his life thinking that he was in the right, and i was in the wrong. and that just irks me. ¬†it irks me that no one can justify my anger and hurt to him, so he will never realize his error. ¬†but as a Christian, i guess that’s something i just have to let go. ¬†God will justify all at the end. ¬†and this relationship was wrong from the beginning. so i guess this is my lesson – my punishment for falling into darkness and trying to make it work out. i suppose if nothing else, i have experienced how it is possible to fall for the wrong person, and why no matter how connected you feel, without God, the relationship will not be sanctioned, and will ultimately fall apart. ¬†the relationship started without God, and ended the way a God-less relationship could only be expected to. ¬†so i guess that’s just what i deserve for holding on to something that i knew couldn’t last.

ugh. thinking about him literally makes me sick. ¬†i don’t think i’m to the point of hate yet, since that is way too much of an active emotion than i have energy for, but it’s probably the closest i’ve ever been. ¬†at least there’s no pain in my heart. only in my stomach. so while the brain whirls, and it made me sleep late while i kept adding to my growing e-mail to him that will never be sent because he’ll never reach the point of maturity enough to warrant it, at least i actually was able to sleep/concentrate on other stuff. that’s a big improvement over when i was heartsick over him before and just couldn’t eat and sleep. my appetite is definitely down though. ¬†probably largely due to the stomach churning induced by all of this whenever i think about it.

anyway, officially de-friended. ¬†i don’t keep liars as friends.

at least i submitted my manuscript today! yay.

can’t tell if heartbroken, angry, disgusted, sad, or just over it. seems like i keep swinging between all of the above.

the one strange thing about all of it is that i feel like i should be more upset, under ordinary circumstances. so not sure now if God’s been helping protect me from being too upset b/c he’s given me peace… or if i’m just numb and resigned at this point.

anyway, sleep time. night.

and of COURSE… my period has to start to come right before my defense. the first day is usually the worst, and of course, that’s going to be tomorrow, apparently. T__T. may God prevent the cramps from being overwhelming during the defense.