whoa!  had an unexpectedly emotional outburst during one of my favorite songs from HSM2 (Everyday) – like, actually a good couple heaving sob-like episodes.  obviously didn’t last long since i got it together by the time the group joined in, but still surprised that came out of me lol @__@.  i blame hormones and the time of the month lol.  i guess the lyrics and stuff struck a chord (hah), especially since i was already kind of emotional from the “Gotta Go My Own Way” song a bit prior, because the lyrics really spoke to my situation.  i wish he’d actually cared enough to chase after.  to apologize.  that he ever cared enough to seek amends on his own.  but it never happened.  it was always me first.  but man, the lyrics from gotta go my own way… “but what about trust” “you know i never meant to hurt you” “but what about me?” … that’s what i’ve always wanted to say.  you did your own thing… but did you ever think about what it would do to me?

sigh.  someday, i really hope i can fully get past this, for real.  so that it’ll be passing memory that i barely remember.  overall though, the movie(s) still made me really happy and cheery after, so there’s that 🙂

anyway, random note: i noticed that corbin bleu actually dances better than zac efron lol, and ashley tisdale is better than vanessa hudgens.  and the girl who plays kelsey actually isn’t bad either – it’s just hard to notice since she barely gets to join the dance numbers since she’s always supposed to be the pianist lol.

also the other thing i like about the hsm series is how diverse the characters and the background characters are.  ok, well yeah, they could have had an asian person be one of the main cast, but other than that, they did pretty well overall, and they at least have asians as extras (i even noticed some one sitting at sharpay’s table in the cafeteria scene in hsm, which i’d never really paid attention to before haha).  it made it feel… “normal.”  and maybe sub-consciously, that’s one of the (many) reasons i resonate with the series.

anyway, should definitely go to bed now.  thanks evan for the netflix access! XD  that was a good way to end the day.


just re-watched HSM and wahhh~!  so cuteee~  wish i had that kind of romance *sigh*  but also it just makes me super happy watching everyone having fun singing and dancing T___T.  i would so love to be in a movie like that – even as just one of the background dancers/singers.  how awesome would it be to go to a dancing/singing training camp and just be part of that?  *love*  obviously that kind of thing is not sustainable as a long-term job, but how freaking cool would that be still. *sigh*  i miss dancing.  and wushu. and i guess being active in some way, especially on a team.

i wish there were more opportunities to do stuff around here. :\

ah well, time to skim through the good parts of HSM 2! (don’t like that one as much if i recall correctly, but some of the songs/dances are fun).  overall, glad i had a day to recover from stuff (finally my ear hasn’t been completely killing me… but also ended up staying in bed until like 3pm).

so um… ear infections hurt like HEEEECKKKKK.  and when it’s bad, the pain goes down the jaw and gives a pretty bad headache too. blarghhhh.  it’s also very disconcerting not being able to hear that well in one ear.  so now i know what it’s like being partially deaf in one ear.  though also with draining, bloody fluid, and throbbing, sometimes severe, pain. T___T.  really hope it gets better soon…

“you don’t have to save everyone yourself”

i feel like i’m finally sort of starting to understand that phrase.  a woman came in today originally needing pain meds from her injuries after her accident about a week ago, but it turned out she was also running from her abusive husband and needed psych help as well.  i spent quite a lot of time with her, and at first she was kind of guarded and defensive, but then broke down, crying about how much it hurt to have finally realized her husband didn’t love her and was just using her for drugs, and kept repeating that she always tried to be strong but couldn’t do it anymore and needed help.  she mentioned believing in God, so I offered to pray for her, which she accepted, after which she said, kind of with some side-eyed scrutiny “that was a powerful prayer! are you a prayer warrior??” to which i was like… um, i don’t really think of myself that way, but if it helped you, then i’m glad.  she then tried to show me that she carried her Bible with her all the time, but couldn’t find it in her bag :\  i’m bringing one with me tomorrow to give to her if she’s still there and wants it.

at one point though, she got defensive and tried to leave, so i went to talk to her and calm her down until psych could come see her.  she said quite a few times today that the only person who could make her stay was me (to other people too), and at one point, she also mentioned that she had meds in her bag, which i didn’t understand at first, and then she pointedly said, i’m telling you, i have a bunch of pills in my bag that they didn’t check or take away, and i’m not saying i’m going to do anything, but i might and i don’t want to.  then it clicked, and i was like “oh. i see.  do you want me to take your pills away from you?”  and she nodded yes as she teared up, and i took them from her and gave it to her nurse.  when i came back, she was crying again, and said she’d never had a friend before, and didn’t know how to have friends, but if she did, she’d want them to be like me.  she kept asking me to stay and that she wouldn’t talk to others or go unless i was there.  later, after she finally agreed to go to the psych ward, she said it was fine for me to leave (it was past my shift), and i made sure, saying “will you stay?” and she said yes, and then said off-handedly, after i mentioned that i’d be working tomorrow and would check her chart, she was like “well you can come see me too, you know, if you want to,” so i told her i would come by after my shift, as long as she was in the hospital.

so i got to thinking… where is the line though, between physician and patient?  technically i’m not her doctor now b/c 1) i’m a med student, and 2) she’s now being overseen by psych so we’re no longer in that type of relationship, but if she thinks of me as a “friend,” how do i maintain distance with her, or even future patients, especially if i end up doing psych to some capacity?  will probably need to ask some of the residents/attendings on psych later on to figure that out.  but i also happened to talk with an IM resident who had also considered psych apparently, and he mentioned that you can kind of always do psych as an IM doctor (“and no one’s going to fight you for it” because there’s such a high demand, and i guess not many want to do it), but not so much the other way around.  and that makes sense.  and i think it’s ok to let go of that – to realize i may not have the time to save everyone by spending many hours over time longitudinally to work through the healing, but i can be the first one to recognize they have that need, and make sure to get them to a point where they are amenable/receptive to the idea of seeking help, and that it’s ok to seek help.  that’s actually a very common theme i’ve come across with the psych patients i’ve met with and referred to psych while in the ED.  they didn’t want to seek help because they’re trying to shoulder all the burdens on their own, until a breaking point.

the key after that will be to find really good partners to work with though – people who will be actually very empathetic, with a strong desire to help people/listen to them through issues like i would be.

and it’s also making me realize there’s a HUGE need for psych guidelines in the ER setting, because pretty much all of the patients i talked with so far, the EM residents were initially quite dismissive of the seriousness of the condition of the patients.  >.<  also notable is that so far, all used drugs to cope.  we need to teach people better coping mechanisms to people, and find a way to get rid of the drugs (2/3 also had schizophrenia relating to weed use, so to all the people who say weed is harmless… it’s really not, and studies have shown it does mess w/ cognitive function, esp the younger you are when you start using it, not to mention the potential for inducing psychosis like schizo, regardless of whether it’s due to “predisposition” or not. all mind-altering drugs can really mess ppl up in some way, shape or fashion, and i’m almost surprised that most docs, esp ER docs, don’t all come to similar conclusions.  maybe i’m still green yet, and sure, of course the ER setting is specific to those who run into problems so it’s a biased sample in that aspect, but 1) we also don’t know how many suffer for months or years with side effects and broken familes from them, or others that just die in the streets from these kinds of problems, and 2) from a bigger perspective, if we can cut to the root cause of all these problems, we would save so many ER visits and deaths.  I can’t tell you how many traumas come in because someone has abused alcohol or other drugs, and while not super high, I’d say that drugs of some sort (including alcohol and nicotine) have caused a fair portion of ER visits too.  If you include things like COPD exacerbation or heart or liver dz from chronic abuse of substances, I’d say the number is even higher.)

in other news… dang.  my eyes are SUPER red right now, and they actually kind of burn a little bit T__T.  what the heck is going on?!  it’s been almost 3 months already now, whatever it is >.<

also family flew overseas today for a month-long trip – first family trip without me :(. haha but i guess now i know how my parents feel when i go out of the country without them (in terms of worrying about safety, etc).  hope they have a safe journey and fun time!

random thoughts: pride and prejudice (and various other happenings XD)

but first… just b/c i need to rant a bit XD:

it’s kind of amazing how annoyed i am at one of the ER attendings right now.  and not for the reason you’d think lol.  so, generally i’m always either wearing my white coat, or it’s hung up, or it’s folded in such a way that if anyone happened to touch it, the outside of it is showing so they’d only contaminate the outside, and the inside would still be fine.  that was also the case for most of today – it was either on, or, for about half the shift, i’d laid it on the back of my chair folded, and just sat up straight so i wouldn’t touch it.  well.  at some point, i’d put it back on for a bit, and then just shrugged out of it, so that the outside was touching the back of the chair and the inside was lying open on the chair.  i left it on there for just a little while to go see something with a patient for maybe 10 minutes or something… and of course that’s when this attending comes over from a different pod, and then LAYS HIS HAND FULLY ON IT to brace his weight while talking to someone else, like he owned it.  people’s hands are like some of the DIRTIEST parts of their bodies, especially in places like the ER!  and it was at the end of his shift too, so i bet there are multiple layers of germs + antibacterial gel and who knows what else on it (And yes i know antibacterial gel is supposed to kill stuff, but really, how much do people actually carefully cover their hands?!)  ughhhhhhhh. WHY do people not respect other people’s things?? if someone’s backpack is somewhere, don’t move it just so you can sit there! they put it their for a reason! if someone’s clothes are somewhere, don’t just go putting your hands on it (or moving it) because you feel like it!  argh!

it wouldn’t even be that bad if i could actually easily wash my white coat… but i CAN’T at my place, which is the main issue.  that’s why i never washed it the first couple years (we used it so infrequently anyway), and i didn’t wash it until 4 months into clerkships when it got so yellow and gross from sweat that it made me uncomfortable.  and i had to wash it in the washing machine by hand, b/c there’s no area where i can fit a tub to wash it in by hand anywhere in my condo.  and i’d JUST washed it freaking 2-3 weeks ago after the last rotation.  so now i want to wash it ASAP, but 1, that’s super annoying, and 2, i have to wait at least 3 more days because i have to go in every day still until Mon. BLAH.


random thought of the day:  it’s interesting how lack self-confidence and pride are related.  i think there’s actually a U-shaped curve between confidence and pride, which is kind of paradoxical.  you’d think that those without much self-confidence wouldn’t have much pride… yet those people are also the ones who are the most easily hurt.  but if you think about it, what really is the feeling of “being hurt” other than having your pride damaged or dented in some way?  if someone was truly humble (aka, without pride), no insult would really hurt, because they already see themselves as truly small, meek, and less knowledgeable etc than anyone else.  but weirdly, the same could apply to those who are truly self-confident (or have strong self-worth) i’d think, for maybe slightly different reasons – insults would just slide off/not bother them, because they don’t feel diminished by others’ opinions of them.  and i do think the two concepts are separate – you can have humility with or without self-confidence, and you can also have self-confidence without humility.  the best scenario, which i think is actually what Christianity supports and is helpful with, is to be humble but self-confident, so you know that you can learn something from everyone you meet without judgment and that you can constantly improve, but your self-esteem is also not affected by what people may say negatively about you.  if we put our confidence and identity in Christ, like Paul always says, then i think that is actually possible.  so i hope that’s something i can live out and that people can see as a light in this world.

other random thought of the day:  if you’re constantly labeling people as “privileged,” and telling them not to judge others because of their race/gender/orientation, etc… aren’t you being just as judgmental about them?  sometimes i have pretty mixed feelings about so-called “social justice warriors.”  on one hand, i appreciate the concept of spreading awareness of things like “microaggressions” and stuff people may do on accident that can be hurtful to others.  awareness and education i think are the strongest weapons we have against ignorance and bigotry.  however, a lot of people also take things too far, and begin to be the thing they purported protest against, and become bigoted in turn against certain groups of people, making blanket statements and just creating more division.  *sigh*.  i wish more people could listen as well as they talked, and that more people would be humble and truly open to/desiring communication, rather than aiming to be superior and shut people down.

anyway, on another note, my friend is in this pretty cool documentary that will be showing soon via national geographic.  i really liked this behind-the-scenes vid that shows how much research and effort went into making this as true to the actual events as possible by working closely with the vets and families involved with the event.  the actors even trained in a boot camp until they could get their drills down well.  pretty awesome.  and made me realize that’s part of what i’d want to do to – tell people’s stories so that others can hear those who don’t usually have a voice.  how cool would it be to interview people about their experiences and write it up?  so i guess i’m interested in writing both fiction and non-fiction after all.  (always wanted to create my own worlds, but i’m thinking telling real stories can be pretty inspiring too).

anyway, heading out to check out the Dia de los Muertos festival finally for once here! should be interesting.

there was a downer today though.  today was the second time i’ve seen someone arrive pretty much dead on the scene in the trauma bay, though this time with considerably more blood than the last (and accompanied by a lot more people).  it was the first code i’ve observed (luckily we just had our sim lab on coding yesterday so it was fresh on my mind), but i think the general feel in the room was that most of them already knew it was too late.  i think the verdict was that it was self inflicted, and based on how it was done, it’s also marks the second time i’ve now seen brain matter (and blood) draining from a hole from someone’s head.  (which reminds me… I should check up on whatever ended up happening to the other patient… he also had a poor prognosis, but last i checked, he’d lasted at least 2 weeks or so after, and that one was not self-inflicted).

people say you just “know” what death looks like.  after he was pronounced dead (the first one i’ve seen actually pronounced while i was in the room), as i was leaving, i looked back at his body, and saw that the legs were pale-yellow now… looking very similar to that of the other patient i’d seen that had been struck by lightning.  so yeah… i guess now i know what death looks like.

it’s a very strange feeling to be so detached in one sense, and yet knowing that i should feel more, and that very probably i will feel more, after learning what happened via the news in the next few days, like i did after the other patient.  i still teared up today re-reading his article in fact when i re-looked it up.  weird how if you don’t know someone or don’t know their story, it’s much easier to accept death as part of our life here on this earth… but once you do have some level of connection to them, even if it’s through a news story, then the emotions come out.

the other weird disconnect was afterwards – most of the medical personnel cleared out and either stopped talking about it, or i overheard some making rather morbid, but i guess practical, comments, like assumptions about organ donation and such.  in fairly stark contrast, all of the other officers who arrived on scene stayed in a huddle for a while, clearly downcast or kind of mulling around in shock.  i didn’t overhear what any of them were saying, but later i also saw a nurse and officer in a long bear hug, offering each other comfort after the tragedy.

… and ok wow.  in trying to find more details to see if any new info came out about this one (not really, just updated that it was self-inflicted to the head), and just found out that another guy apparently just got shot to death this morning while mowing grass outside, working as a job for the city.  he was found sitting in the lawn mower itself.  geez.  this place is just crazy.

… holy crack actually apparently that was the first of 3 homicides just today. wow, it’s a freaking wednesday, the middle of the week, and most of these were when the sun was still up.  geez! it’s the first of november too man… why would you want to start off the month by doing something like that?! geez.  that’s… pretty depressing… T______T.  May God give strength and comfort to all those left behind.

and as a personal disconnect, after i’d originally started writing this post, i got a bit distracted/didn’t feel like continuing for a bit after the first paragraph, so i browsed FB a while and then decided to try to look up reviews for the fan films i did to see whether people liked it/what the critiques were.  there wasn’t very much, but i did find two websites with a brief overview of the content (a “mini review” if you will) and comments from people (aside from the youtube/fb pages which i’d seen previously) and for the most part, people were pretty positive about it, which was nice.  i was actually quite happy at a couple of the comments – on one of the sites, both commenters were quite excited about what we were able to accomplish in the short time frame, and one even asked if they would get to see more of our characters! ^.^  then, i found that the producer had posted about it on a forum too, and one person said that i was a “spunky character” in the vid, and that they really liked my character. ^.^  i’m actually quite pleased that that specific term (“spunky”) was applied to my character, as i that was one of the ways i thought of her as, and hoped i’d be able to infuse the character with that vibe while portraying her.  so yeah… pretty happy about that.  🙂

ok, too much writing on here, not enough productivity tonight T__T ah wells. tomorrow is another day.  night!


edit: whoa! finally found the thread on the same forum for the other fan film i had a more minor role in, and it looks like i have a fan of sorts!  someone specifically requested they’d like to see more of me, and they liked the final product when the other one came out. aww! ^.^ (hopefully it was because of acting and not anything else more superficial, like how i look or being asian or something like that… haha.  sad that i have to think that, but who knows T__T).

eating my red bean mooncake right now and man, this flavor. so much nostalgia!  this one is done just the way i like them – smooth and not too sweet, but not too bland.  i think maybe that’s why red bean stuff fell out of flavor with me for a long time (like the red bean buns they sell at different asian bakeries i’ve tried since moving to socal).  they just weren’t the right flavor/texture.  but this one is ^.^ it even has egg yolk in it! ^.^

anyway, today was another good day, mood-wise for the most part.  i can tell i’m doing well because after the LC exec meeting, my mind was whirring about all the stuff i needed to do, making a list of things to do when i got back (impeded somewhat by the fact that my computer took about half an hour or more to load up again >.<).  but yeah, i’m making lists in my head again!  that means i’m moving forward, thinking/planning about the future and things i need to do instead of dwelling in the past or on things i can’t control.  and it wasn’t just that i was making lists either, because when i was depressed, when i had enough brain power to actually make a list, it would just depress me further b/c i knew how behind i was, so it actually demotivated me even more.  today’s list-making actually energized me, because i was excited about getting them started/done.  i think probably actually managing to hit a self-imposed deadline (like getting that paper out to my PI yesterday night) helped me feel at least a little bit empowered to do more.  so yay! ^.^

also, i’m writing in here almost daily, which is definitely something i haven’t done for a loonnng time… since leaving college i think.  in socal it was just difficult with work and dance practice and not really having much space on the desk… did i even have a laptop then? o.0 i can’t remember even being on the computer much 0.o  but i must have… i think…? 0.o  yeah i must have at least a little because i had no smart phone but i do remember occasionally seeing INSA pictures and getting friend requests. but i don’t think i had that much time to xanga… or did i?? man, that year was a blur.  but i know that xanga died around spring of my first year here (?) and i didn’t know which platform to write in anymore/took forever to think of an sn, and because i was spending so much time at my ex’s anyway (and therefore not around my computer), i barely wrote anything at all those two years.  after the break-up, of course, i’m sure i wrote some, but as i was pretty depressed after and during the PhD years, i also didn’t really have the energy mustered up to write much (and the idea of writing quite stressed me out sometimes when thinking about all i had to do).  but back in college, i’d write almost every day, and often multiple times a day!  and now i’ve been writing pretty frequently, around since we stopped talking a month ago i think, actually.  so i’m taking it as another positive sign that i’m finally back to my baseline ^.^!!!  whoo hoo!

also… wow lol.  why -.-||  didn’t think of him much at all but of course i watched the FBE channel’s new vid tonight where college kids try Just Dance 2018, and of course both of the songs on it are ones i associate with him. lolol -.-|| at least starting last night i resisted the urge to think about him while about to nap, which is a bad habit i’d picked up over the last few months lol.  don’t feel the need for that anymore, which is awesome.  and i don’t usually notice times, but there was definitely 11:11, 11:22, and 1:13 yesterday.  it’s almost like something out there is trying reaalllyyy hard not to let me forget him.  to which i say… nice try, but nope!  i’m in a good place right now and i’m looking to keep it that way. ^.^

annddd just ran across despacito AGAIN in a biology parody on fb just now geez! lol -.-||(also did not know despacito was the first song that ever hit 3 billion views on youtube 0.o i mean, i knew it was catchy but dang.)

hm. i’m being a super pig today (already ate 2 large bowls of spaghetti prior to the mooncake), but i think i’m gonna cut another slice of that mooncake after all.  it was so good! ^.^||

ok ttyl!

OMGOSH FINALLY DONE WITH THAT DRAFT!!!  it’s not the best but WHATEVER!  SENT IT TO MY PI SO IT’S OUTTA MY HANDS!!! at least for the next week/until i get it back and need to furiously make edits before i need to submit it the following week.  *sweats* but still.  ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO!

and of course tomorrow has to be the first day i’m on a 7am shift, so gonna definitely be down on sleep tomorrow.  but hey, still going in way later than i’ve had to on any other service!

random thought of the day

i think i’m happiest when i’m actually doing something.  or more specifically, i’m happiest when i’m actively trying to figure something out – researching, trying stuff over and over, and/or wrestling with something until i can finally get to the bottom of it.  it’s even better if i have a hard deadline i have to meet at all costs because someone/something is waiting for it and that’s the last chance i’ll have to complete it (as vs. a “soft” deadline that i make for myself along the way), because that’s one of the ways i can finally hyper-focus and hit flow.  like today, i actually got quite a lot done on rewriting one of my manuscripts b/c i knew i had to get as much done as possible while at lab after sim lab because my computer here was pooping out and i promised my PI i’d get it to him tonight.  (it may still end up being tomorrow but we’ll see T__T).

though on second thought, that can’t be completely accurate, because otherwise i’d have had a ball during my phd years, because that’s basically what research is.  and yet i hated it most of the time.  i think a couple things played into that though – mostly frustration and feeling helpless/lost because it was too overwhelming with no guidance at all from anyone.  yet if i were to figure out how to put together a cosplay, which is also something i did completely from scratch and without any help, i was totally motivated to figure that out and didn’t care if i got stuck.  and i’m the same way with dance or music (if there’s a specific piece/set that i’m trying to finish for say, a performance), or even writing stuff (which is why it often takes me so long to write official stuff as it marinates in the back of my head for days lol XD).  definitely not the case with programming though.  so i guess the modifier is that i’m happiest when trying to figure something out when there’s also a concrete goal (that i can buy into/see the utility of), or at least where i will feel like i’ve accomplished something significant by the end of it.  knowing that, maybe i would enjoy IM more because there’s more time to think and figure things out… who knows.  though i’ve also found out that there are combo EM/IM programs so… gah, more options T__T.

in other news, i’ve actually been quite happy today.  partly given the productivity as mentioned above, and partly because… well i think i’m actually back to my baseline.  like back to who i was and how comfortable i am with myself since before even my previous ex.  or quite possibly actually pre-AL times, since i know i was actually homesick for the first (and only) time during my first 6 months here, and i think my ex and i got together around this time my first year, and it wasn’t the most healthy of relationships.  so yeah, wow.  that’s been a long time!  almost 6.5 years ago now.  phew.  7 year cycles are a thing in the Bible and many other stories/folklore, so maybe it’s a sign! haha.  but yeah, i think i’m… actually back to being (for the most part) pretty content/at least ok with my life, instead of low-key (…and sometimes much more than low-key) depressed about something or another (aka ex-bf, PhD struggles + residual self-worth issues from the break-up, then next saga this whole last year w/ the other ex-bf).  now i’m just back to enjoying the freedom of being single and doing whatever i want, whenever i want.  well, besides school/lab related scheduling/manuscripts/meetings, etc. XD  but overall, i think i’m in a much much better place than i’ve been in ever since i came here.  which also means i think i’m back to the mindset of not really understanding why people want to be with someone all the time.  i mean sure once in a while i can see people as couples and be wistful about thinking that’d be nice to have for myself one day maybe if someone really understood me and we meshed really well AND HAVE THE SAME VALUES (that’s gonna be super super even more important going forward than ever before LOL), but overall, i like the independence.  i like not being accountable to anyone for my time (outside work), to cook or eat when i want, play music whenever i want, binge watch/read stuff as much as i like, come and go as i please, go to sleep whenever i want to or stay up late if need be without worrying about bothering anyone else, not catering to others’ schedules or having to wait for people to be able to do things or meet up or whatnot.  and obviously no more emotional baggage and issues to be stressed about/occupy my mind when i need to be doing other things.  i guess it’s my introvert side showing, but i really don’t mind (and in some ways much prefer) to have my own space.

the one unfortunate thing is i still haven’t managed to have a day where i haven’t thought about him yet though.  it’s been every day since we met, so that’s like every day for >11 months, though we haven’t even been talking really for the last 3 or so. >.< that sucks.  i hope there’s a day where i don’t soon.  although that’s kind of one of those things where if you realize it, that means you’ve thought about it, which negates the point -.-|| so i guess i hope there’s a day soon where i suddenly realize i haven’t thought of him for multiple days in a row. XD  i think that would be the icing on the cake if that could happen soon :).

oh also my computer’s been acting up a lot lately and not waking up from sleep mode (or taking forever to do so).  thankfully i just let it run for an hour to start up, left for like 5 hrs, and when i came back to try to work, it started up that time, so phew.  maybe i just need to not click “sleep” and let it fall asleep on its own or something… or more likely, i probably just need more RAM… can’t wait until black friday so i can get a portable HD and dl all those movies and take it off my comp.  hopefully that’ll resolve it.

oh yeah, happy halloween!  haha didn’t really feel like it so totally forgot about it for most of the day.  haven’t really seen anyone dressed up or anything, and haven’t heard any trick or treaters yet.  (actually i don’t think people usually come around here for halloween, and even if they did, i don’t really have candy anyway ^.^||)

this morning i woke up from a pretty bad dream.  well, bad in one sense, but maybe good in another.  i dreamed that we were together, and he was drunk, and a girl came onto him, basically trying to seduce him, and he just laughed in that foolish smile he has when he’s feeling good and engaged in the kiss, and didn’t think that was anything wrong.  and then later when he slept with her (or others), he didn’t think it was wrong either because he didn’t “feel” anything for them.  i remember thinking “i shouldn’t have to define what cheating is or is not to you!  you should know!” and i’m someone who even feels betrayed by emotional cheating, much less anything physical.

anyway, so i woke up from that and it was weird because physiologically i was still completely calm.  not really upset at all, even though my mind was still kind of disoriented and knew it should be upset.  but maybe that’s just it.  maybe my mind and body has finally realized that well… there’s no reason to be upset because it’s over.  and not only is it over, but that’s something i’ll never have to worry about anymore, because we’re never going to see or speak to each other again, and i’m perfectly happy keeping it that way now.  after all, i don’t want to be with a guy who i can’t trust to know how to do the right thing (and even worse, whom i almost expect would not actually know what the right thing is to do).  i don’t want to be locked into a marriage with someone who doesn’t know to protect our relationship as something special and sacred, to flee from infidelity and keep the marriage pure.  i don’t want someone i have to keep checking on or touching base with on where the line is between cheating and not cheating.  that should be a no-brainer.

so i realized when walking back after my shift that… actually in a way, things worked out in the best way they could have, in order for me to experience the depths of human emotion and limits without it being too much for me to handle.  i experienced what it felt like to be truly in love with someone, and have it reciprocated, and also how painful it was to have promises from someone i cared deeply about broken to pieces, and to feel betrayed from the bottom of my heart… without having to experience the actual deeper betrayal that i would have, had we actually gone all the way and if he had then actually cheated on me while we were officially together.  and, fortunately, all this went down as were thousands of miles apart, so i’m not constantly reminded of places we went to together and i don’t see him around all the time, which was what made it so hard to get over my previous ex.  (though i guess you could argue that’s also part of why things went down the way they did, because if we had been around each other, we probably would have stayed much closer, or i would have known much sooner if he was interested/chasing after someone else.  meh.  but it also would have been much harder to let go.  so yeah).  and thus, i was still able to come back from it, with God’s help, and in a relatively much shorter time than i would have been able to.  i will still carry the scars, but i now can better comprehend how it might be possible for two people to fall in love so quickly and “just know,” and also better understand how brokenhearted and devastated someone can feel after being cheated on or betrayed by the one they felt the closest to.  through this, my empathy has grown, as well as my understanding of God and of myself.  so i guess it was a “good” life experience after all, in the sense that i was stretched and grew so much over this relatively short period of time (though it felt like forever, it was all in the span of less than a year).

huh.  maybe this is why they always say: “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

anyway, i’m almost to the big 3-0 now, so it’ll be nice to be able to put this behind me and start anew for the next phase of my life.