sigh. so many thoughts rushing around my head. but i guess that’s better than when i’m down in the slumps and my brain feels like it’s mushed behind glass. makes me feel a little more alive/like i’m living in the present.
after talking with one of the advisors today, and the very unexpected availability of a slot open for one of the clerkships that are usually perpetually full, it seems like the signs are pointing again towards triple boards. T_____T. though on the other hand, not all of the places have great research but i guess we’ll see how my peds rotation goes and go from there.
the CAMS speaker tonight was pretty good – he shared a lot of hard stuff that’s happened in his life, including losing a close friend research-scientist today apparently, as well as being on dialysis 25 years (had to since 19, and had 2 transplants, at least one of which failed) and a bunch of stuff, and he also had cool research on antioxidants. i wanted to ask him what he thought about something i’d seen as a FB post, which was someone musing on tumblr or something about whether maybe we all get old and die because we’re actually slowly being poisoned by oxygen lol. he talked today about how hyperoxia after birth can actually cause issues, and other stuff like that haha, and on wards we’ve learned guidelines are changing so you don’t give O2 unless someone’s below 88% O2 instead of 95%. i wonder if what we actually need is not a certain level of O2, but actually something else, like maybe N2… i feel like at some point we should look at the old studies of gas exchange and see how valid the research actually is on that haha. how revolutionary would it be if it turns out O2 is not all it’s cracked out to be??
other things i thought of during that talk were psych questions – like it’d be interesting to do psych/personality/empathy testing on psychiatrists/psychologists and relate that to outcomes for their patients. and then as phase 2, do an intervention to increase empathy, and then see whether outcomes change. and i’d like to do birth order research too.
speaking of psych research, threads like this make me really want to do studies on child development and the effect of discipline on it, just so there can be scientific evidence on parenting instead of people constantly fighting over “there’s no right answer,” because based on psychological theories/principles, i’m pretty sure there should be some evidence that discipline is better than no discipline for the child’s psyche in the long run.
on a completely separate note, today apparently the residents got a talk/sales pitch about a new EMR system/add-on which allows providers to see how much medicines will cost, and will also have a feature to calculate accumulated ionizing radiation exposure from tests ordered (i.e. CT scans) over the course of a patient’s life, as well as anemia incurred from blood draws. pretty neat! and apparently this company was based here in AL, and is now being used in some bigger hospital systems like parkland (i guess that’s in texas? only know because i just closed a program i had looked at in passing and that page happened to have that hospital name on it haha). although what’s even weirder to me is why it took so long for something like that to be implemented, and i would never have thought to do it for profit. -.-|| guess that’s just a different way of thinking haha… -.-||
today also was a bit surreal in that the guy i’ve been having issues with actually voluntarily came up to talk to me, and not about the project for once. i think it may have been because he finally realized we’re really not competitors, as i’m probably applying to different programs/locations, so he asked about what i’m thinking of applying to, and mentioned where he wants to go, etc. he also said something that was interesting – again highlighting our differences in how our minds work/our priorities, but i think he was trying to encourage me when saying this: he said i was “smart” about how i “spun” it. completely bewildered, i was asked what he meant, and he said the eating disorders thing – it was smart because it connected everything and i could use my research for it or something. and i was like oh, yeah, i guess… but that’s pretty much one of the main reasons i want to have the training for both sides anyway. so it’s just interesting how different we think about things… i am just trying to figure out the best pathway to get the best (clinical) training to be able to do what i want to do, whereas he takes everything from a more calculated, strategic method to achieve a goal. my brain really doesn’t work like that… though now i’m concerned that that way of thinking will mess up how i present myself in going forward – like will i try to push that angle subconsciously now, to the detriment of showing who i really am and what i’m really interested in? i hope not. sigh. i really hope i don’t lose the purity of thought i have now, in terms of wanting to investigate things for the sake of finding answers and helping people. maybe some would count it naive or idealistic, but i hope i never do anything simply for the sake of getting ahead, or connive/scheme things to be a certain way to make myself look better. there’s really no point to such a thing.
but yeah anyway, right now the struggle is – better clinical program, or better research/location? it’s looking like the research stuff i’d like to do would be best served as a single program in CA, but the breadth/depth of training i want to do in the shortest time are all in the combo programs, which are outside of CA, for the most part. *sigh*. God, where are you calling me? Do I need to be away from CA even longer?
the other thing is stuff like this, which, while i think is certainly interesting food for thought, i feel like i am not really “allowed” to post for discussion purposes, lest it affect my relationship with certain people who are close to me. don’t know how to approach that situation really. but yeah, just wanted to put that somewhere for future reference.
ok better head to bed – have a relatively early morning tomorrow (though not nearly as early as i’m going to have to do the next two weeks T__T).