welp. we did the audition today.  i think everyone liked it, but i’m pretty annoyed at my body which kept on shaking for no reason. >.< in particular, my right arm decided to shake during basically the ENTIRE performance, so i couldn’t really play any of the long notes, or any dynamics, because it was wobbling so much. T___________T.  at least neither of us audibly brain spazzed/blanked out and messed up whole chunks of it.  *sigh* T____T

at least at the end, one of the guys said he recognized “like, 3 of the songs”, which basically made my day b/c having just one person get it and relive their childhood just made it all worth it.  i hope we can do it justice during the real thing T__T.

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frick

now i’ve stumbled on even MORE choices for potential career choices:

  • psychosomatic medicine – the practice underlying the belief that some medical illnesses have a psych component as the cause/exacerbating factor
    • new name for consult-liaison psych, which apparently is when you’re the psych consult for medical patients (either in or out-patient).  previously i thought this was more for psychotic disorders, but that may not be the case.
  • psychoneuroimmunology (which sounds like exactly something i believe in/want to do research in): how mental issues affect the immune system and vice versa, and also includes a behavioral component.

ALSFJLAWEHILAIHWELRIAHWLEHIr.  WHY CAN’T MEDICINE BE MORE INTEGRATED SO THERE AREN’T ALL THESE MINOR SUBSPECIALTY OF SUBSPECIALTIES FOR “INTEGRATION” WHICH WE WOULDN’T NEED IF IT WAS ALL INTEGRATED BETTER IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! LASDJFLAIHEWTLAIHEWRLieh

… so, yeah. decided not to go to prayer meeting anymore because now i have even more career stuff to figure out on top of studying. -.-|| and also b/c having all these tabs open has been kind of crashing my computer these last few days  >.< so just made guacamole and am doing laundry while looking all this stuff up instead lol.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

edit: man. i rejoiced way too early.  turns out the resident was wrong, and we actually need to come in even EARLIER than usual because the teams switch tomorrow and the residents want the notes done by 5am. T__T.  so we were told to go in at 4am, which means i need to sleep like… now.  *SIGH*.  there goes any plans of studying.  hopefully they’ll be some down time to study tomorrow instead… T__T.

dang. just realized just how freaking much i have left to do. T__T. but PRAISE GOD just got the text saying we only have to come in at 6am tomorrow instead of 4:30am like we thought, so i can sleep a little later tonight and hopefully actually get some studying done since i haven’t been able to yet.  the good news is that our practice today actually went pretty well/fast compared to normal so i think we’ll be good for the auditions tomorrow. but yeah here’s a brief list of stuff that needs to be done over the next 2 weeks @__@:

  • 420 more questions on UWise (try to finish by today or tomorrow if at all possible…)
  • 3 50-question practice tests + 1 100-question timed practice test on UWise (try to finish over the next week/maybe save the 100-q one for the following week before the shelf)
  • ~300 questions on UWorld (try to get through as many as possible…)
  • Complete all MedHub entries
  • Live act auditions on Monday (which we’ve been practicing for)
  • Meet with/e-mail multiple advisors to figure out my schedule/what to do for residencies…
    • schedule away rotations, Step 2 CK and CS (figure that out), MS4 scheduling and what AI’s to pick, etc.
    • figure out what programs i actually want to apply to, which i’ve started a spread sheet on but there’s a daunting amount of info to sort through…
  • Figure out contacts issues
  • Shelf on the 23rd, along with BMS that night – somewhere during which we probably need to practice and do sound check and change…
  • Edit/follow-up on manuscript

… all while having to wake up around 4am every day and catching up on studying, which really means i’m probably either not going to get a lot of sleep or i’ll be too tired to really do most of the stuff most days so i probably am not going to do well on the tests, or both.  not to mention after that, i’ll need to write my personal statement, start putting stuff together for ERAS, figure out letters of rec, etc. etc. T______T. man. there’s just so little time.  i really hope my peds rotation will be informative in trying to figure out what i really want to do…

oh yeah, also need to get my car fixed at some point, figure out what i’m doing over the 6 month break, figure out if i need to do some research projects while i’m here/go to triple board summit in april, fly back for a friend’s wedding in march, maybe need to fix a cavity at some point, and then also not to mention all the yelp reviews, photo editing, etc that need to happen at some point.  (which honestly pretty much means they’re probably not going to happen lol -.-).  *sigh*.  bye.

my yelp scale

i think i’ve finally figured out my personal criteria for how to rate restaurants on yelp XD.  luckily so far my ratings match up, so it’ll be consistent.  but yeah, i was having issues figuring out how to rate stuff to make sure i wasn’t too harsh but also wasn’t too lax, giving out too many 4-5 stars. i feel like ratings should count for something, and thus things should be more spread around the board, with 3 truly being an average, rather than having inflated scores that may waver depending on mood or taste for the day.  so here’s what i’ve come up with, which i think makes sense for me:

1 star – disgusting, never going there again, food not fit for consumption.  this really should be a 0 star, but since that’s not an option, that will have to fall under 1 star.
2 star – food disappointing/bad, would not want to go again even if people invited me, though if i was very hungry and it was the only option (either for socializing’s sake or only food around) i would probably still eat it.
3 star – food ok, or food decently good but bad service, or vice versa.  would most likely not voluntarily go back on my own, but if friends wanted to go there i would be ok accompanying them there.
4 star – food good – would go back again voluntarily 🙂
5 star – really good food!  authentic, tasty, well balanced, well-made.  would definitely go back and recommend it to others.

i also only just noticed but apparently 2 weeks ago an elite member from around here friended me and messaged me asking if i wanted to join elite and saying he could help give me tips to get there if i wanted since he liked my reviews! ^.^ yay!! i hope i can get on yelp elite 😀

yesterday during clinic the doctor mentioned to a patient that sometimes the babies get really hyper from the glucose challenge used to screen for GDM.  can’t help but wonder if that’s not a good thing to expose babies to at such a young age… need to look into the research on that and if it affects fetal metabolism, though i don’t know how one would control for that or look at outcomes in a tangible way…

random thought of the day

america has some of the most overworked and underpaid people in the world, with worse access to healthcare, mental health care, vacation/rest times and other things.  you go to other countries and the pace of life is much slower, or they have mandated siestas during the day or everything is closed on the weekend, etc.  so on the one hand, we wonder what went wrong.  on the other hand, probably because of our culture of driven people who are willing to go the extra mile, sacrificing sleep and family etc. for their work, america has produced some of the leading scientists, doctors, engineers, etc (and respective training programs) in their fields (though of course now we’re being overtaken thanks to things i won’t discuss today).  i’m not saying sacrificing these things are healthy, but that attitude is probably what got us this far.

i wonder if the reason for our drive is because basically the country was built on struggle.  and almost every newcomer/immigrant that came to this country subsequently had to face struggle at some point – the irish, the chinese, the japanese internment camps, now the muslims, etc.  so maybe ever since the founding of the country as liberation from the British government, and the “american dream” for freedom and prosperity began, our country has always been one where groups began by struggling to survive, and that drive has now carried on into the wills of the people who want to push the boundaries of success/science/medicine/technology.  if we didn’t have that anymore – if we moved to a more relaxed state overall – would we still have the america we know today?  or would we still be able to maintain that drive, just with healthier, happier lives?  when overseas (and honestly in the south here as well), sometimes i find myself chafing at the slowness of pace and get impatient at the lack of efficiency/loss of productive time due to how everyone just takes their darn time at simple things that could be done in 1/5 the time.  but i also do think people need time to wind down and rest, lest they overwork themselves or cause so much mental stress that they take it out in other forms, either through substance abuse, physical/sexual abuse, or suicide.  i believe that if done right, we could still maintain efficiency and productivity with healthier, happier people.  maybe that will be one of my goals as a physician scientist.

sigh. so many thoughts rushing around my head.  but i guess that’s better than when i’m down in the slumps and my brain feels like it’s mushed behind glass.  makes me feel a little more alive/like i’m living in the present.

after talking with one of the advisors today, and the very unexpected availability of a slot open for one of the clerkships that are usually perpetually full, it seems like the signs are pointing again towards triple boards. T_____T.  though on the other hand, not all of the places have great research :\  but i guess we’ll see how my peds rotation goes and go from there.

the CAMS speaker tonight was pretty good – he shared a lot of hard stuff that’s happened in his life, including losing a close friend research-scientist today apparently, as well as being on dialysis 25 years (had to since 19, and had 2 transplants, at least one of which failed) and a bunch of stuff, and he also had cool research on antioxidants. i wanted to ask him what he thought about something i’d seen as a FB post, which was someone musing on tumblr or something about whether maybe we all get old and die because we’re actually slowly being poisoned by oxygen lol.  he talked today about how hyperoxia after birth can actually cause issues, and other stuff like that haha, and on wards we’ve learned guidelines are changing so you don’t give O2 unless someone’s below 88% O2 instead of 95%. i wonder if what we actually need is not a certain level of O2, but actually something else, like maybe N2… i feel like at some point we should look at the old studies of gas exchange and see how valid the research actually is on that haha. how revolutionary would it be if it turns out O2 is not all it’s cracked out to be??

other things i thought of during that talk were psych questions – like it’d be interesting to do psych/personality/empathy testing on psychiatrists/psychologists and relate that to outcomes for their patients.  and then as phase 2, do an intervention to increase empathy, and then see whether outcomes change.  and i’d like to do birth order research too.

speaking of psych research, threads like this make me really want to do studies on child development and the effect of discipline on it, just so there can be scientific evidence on parenting instead of people constantly fighting over “there’s no right answer,” because based on psychological theories/principles, i’m pretty sure there should be some evidence that discipline is better than no discipline for the child’s psyche in the long run.

on a completely separate note, today apparently the residents got a talk/sales pitch about a new EMR system/add-on which allows providers to see how much medicines will cost, and will also have a feature to calculate accumulated ionizing radiation exposure from tests ordered (i.e. CT scans) over the course of a patient’s life, as well as anemia incurred from blood draws.  pretty neat!  and apparently this company was based here in AL, and is now being used in some bigger hospital systems like parkland (i guess that’s in texas? only know because i just closed a program i had looked at in passing and that page happened to have that hospital name on it haha).  although what’s even weirder to me is why it took so long for something like that to be implemented, and i would never have thought to do it for profit. -.-|| guess that’s just a different way of thinking haha… -.-||

today also was a bit surreal in that the guy i’ve been having issues with actually voluntarily came up to talk to me, and not about the project for once.  i think it may have been because he finally realized we’re really not competitors, as i’m probably applying to different programs/locations, so he asked about what i’m thinking of applying to, and mentioned where he wants to go, etc.  he also said something that was interesting – again highlighting our differences in how our minds work/our priorities, but i think he was trying to encourage me when saying this: he said i was “smart” about how i “spun” it.  completely bewildered, i was asked what he meant, and he said the eating disorders thing – it was smart because it connected everything and i could use my research for it or something.  and i was like oh, yeah, i guess… but that’s pretty much one of the main reasons i want to have the training for both sides anyway.  so it’s just interesting how different we think about things… i am just trying to figure out the best pathway to get the best (clinical) training to be able to do what i want to do, whereas he takes everything from a more calculated, strategic method to achieve a goal.  my brain really doesn’t work like that… though now i’m concerned that that way of thinking will mess up how i present myself in going forward – like will i try to push that angle subconsciously now, to the detriment of showing who i really am and what i’m really interested in?  i hope not.  sigh. i really hope i don’t lose the purity of thought i have now, in terms of wanting to investigate things for the sake of finding answers and helping people. maybe some would count it naive or idealistic, but i hope i never do anything simply for the sake of getting ahead, or connive/scheme things to be a certain way to make myself look better. there’s really no point to such a thing.

but yeah anyway, right now the struggle is – better clinical program, or better research/location?  it’s looking like the research stuff i’d like to do would be best served as a single program in CA, but the breadth/depth of training i want to do in the shortest time are all in the combo programs, which are outside of CA, for the most part.  *sigh*.  God, where are you calling me?  Do I need to be away from CA even longer?

the other thing is stuff like this, which, while i think is certainly interesting food for thought, i feel like i am not really “allowed” to post for discussion purposes, lest it affect my relationship with certain people who are close to me. :\  don’t know how to approach that situation really. :\  but yeah, just wanted to put that somewhere for future reference.

ok better head to bed – have a relatively early morning tomorrow (though not nearly as early as i’m going to have to do the next two weeks T__T).

… why do i feel like the more i talk to people/faculty/advisors, the more options there are…?!? T___T i thought the point was to narrow down the options, not grow them! T___T.

i think probably it’s because there’s no one best way to get there (at least how medicine is set up right now) – it’s more a question of what’s the shortest time period to get to where you’re going yet with adequate training, (and if possible, in a preferred location, +/- ability to do the research one desires).  *sigh*.

welp, basically didn’t do anything this weekend, though i did end up ripping apart and redoing my katara cosplay so it looks a lot better now (and it’s on the right side this time lol…).  well, still haven’t added the white parts, but have mostly figured things out and the blue parts look fine now. mostly i just wanted it to get to a point where i could clean everything up and put it all away for when i have more time to work on it b/c the ironing board was blocking one of the bathroom doors/hallways and the cloth/pattern stuff was blocking most of the kitchen area. so now at least there’s some room to walk around in straight paths in my place again lol, and the extra bed is mostly clear except for stuff that needs to be returned.  but yeah i realllly need to start studying soon. @__@.  luckily the MS4 meeting is tomorrow so i have another day to take a break ^.^|| oh shoot that reminds me, i need to do laundry tomorrow.  ack.